Stage fright

So one of my biggest personal goals right now is to address this issue that has plagued me since I was little: stage fright. It's unfortunate because the only thing I've ever really wanted to do with my time is perform on stage and it's the one thing that makes me want to pass out.

I've studied theatre on and off since I was young and I've done it occasionally, sometimes more than that. But I keep coming up against my fear of being in front of people. More often than not, once I'm on stage it's fine. Sometimes it's not and I am not able to forget that I'm being WATCHED and I can't access my creative place and I don't do very well but most of the time I can get into a groove at some point. But the panic (and I do mean PANIC) that I experience beforehand is horrible. I can't talk to anyone or deal with anything. If I remain very still and control my breathing I can usually make it through without feeling like I'm literally going to die. But that is so extreme, I'm determined to find a way to lessen that so I can function.

Right now I'm taking improv class in an effort to get my creative muscle re-attuned to performing. I haven't performed since moving to NYC and it's time. I've been busy doing other things like setting up a life with my now husband which has been so fucking awesome I can't believe how lucky I am! But now it's time to concentrate on me and what I want for myself.

So many women I know at my age are in this conundrum of being at child-bearing age and yet not ready to have children for a myriad of reasons; Financially, emotionally, relationship-wise, career-wise... we want to be set before we procreate. It's scary and exciting at the same time.

I remember after college watching some of my friends go to grad school and thinking, "I have no idea what I want to do with my life yet". Loving theatre, philosophy and the arts was not enough to guide me in the direction of a specific career... you have to really WANT something to go after it with everything you've got. And if you don't know what that something is and have a plan, most likely, you're not going to get it. You may not get it anyway, but you most certainly won't get there just by showing up.

Having said that, life leads you in places you can't anticipate most of the time and that is the exciting part. But for me, growing up on my own (which was very different from the growing up I did in my parents house) has been a hugely rewarding process. My life is very rich in many ways that it would not be had I placed a huge importance on succeeding in my twenties. I'm glad I took the time to get to know myself before getting to this point. I have incredible friends, a perverted, strange, creative, smart and totally lovable husband, and have had the opportunity to live different places and go where I want, when I want, as a result.

However. I'm 34 without a job, nevermind a career, and I need to find a way to make myself happy while providing myself with a life that will help me and my husband to flourish as people and not paint us into a corner.

Puzzles, puzzles. What to do, what to do.

For all of my weaknesses (of which there are plenty), I am a determined person who, once I sink my teeth into something, does not let go. And I'm getting a picture (albeit still a little out of focus) of what I might like to do. That I will not share with anyone until I know for certain a few basic things. So many people have an opinion when they should not that I have learned to keep my hopes to myself until it is time to act (if you'll pardon the pun).

Let the Right One In

If you live in NYC I highly, highly recommend the movie "Let The Right One In" - a Swedish vampire flick at the Angelika right now. I went to see it a while ago with my husband and a friend and it was awesome. It's actually an excellent film AND it's a vampire movie.

I am into vampires as I have been for a while. I have read the Twilight series (a film that does not promise to be good, but one I will see and enjoy, I'm sure), I watch True Blood with all the dedication of a fanatic but I swear to you this is not why I'm recommending this film.

The sound is incredible, the characters are real and interesting and the pace and tone make it unusual and captivating.

Okay, I've said enough. I went to see it after scanning the Voice's review (which is what made me want to see it) and didn't really know anything about it. That was a good way to see it - without watching previews or reading plot synopsis.

Voting Day!

Well, today we will see who the United States chooses as our next President. Dear god, let it be Obama! Otherwise I'm seriously going to be depressed.

Jon and I got up early today and walked down to the voting facility which was held in a high school gym. It was easy-peasy. In and out in 10 minutes.

I am heading to the UWS tonight to hopefully celebrate Obama/Biden's victory with Saramanda at a Columbia bar.

I'm taking another improv class at UCB (Upright Citizen's Brigade) and it's proving to be difficult, but a great learning experience. The first class I was so nervous I almost crawled out of my own skin. But yesterday, the second class, went a little better. I made a lot of mistakes, but I also risked more so I will take that happily.

I have Curtis Gwinn as a teacher and enjoy his comments. He is not going to sugar coat anything... he will tell you when you make a mistake or wander off-track. But he seems to be fair in his criticism and also tells you when you have done something successful. Which makes those times all the more fun!

In general, I'm trying to get some things I've sewn up on Etsy.com under "BadGalQuilts". I have a lot of ideas for sewing projects and have so many things I want to make. No one, except for some friends, has bought anything yet. But I have hope. I would buy my stuff and especially as I move away from tea towels (which are the only things up there right now) and into bags and napkins, placemats etc. I think it will pick up. I will post a couple of photos of my favorites at the end.

My life seems to be one big experiment right now. There are a lot of pieces that I am trying to put together and have work... and I'm not sure how that will go! But the good news is I love living in NYC, love our apartment, love my husband and friends. If I can just find a way to balance my creative side with a way to make money I will be a happy camper.

Happy Election Day!
Get out there and vote!

Oh, Havana... I mean Habana... I mean Cubano bocadillo.

My favorite bar in Brooklyn is one I rarely go to. It's way too popular for me and I hate crowds and wading through bodies when I have to use the damn bathroom. However, when a good friend of mine was in town we stopped by at about 4:30pm and got a table and people met us throughout the evening. It was awesome. I had a Cuban sandwich and some Cuban corn and a few margaritas and some sangria. Just lovely. What better way to welcome Fall?

Coolest recycling bin EVER!

So I am a domestic weirdo. I LOVE to find the perfectest bestest things for my home that make things efficient and streamlined and attractive. LOVE it. It's one of my hobbies.

In that vein, I recently purchased the fourth (?) solution to our recycling issuse in our apartment that we've lived in for two years. I've tried plastic garbage bins, two sets of recycling containers and small metal garbage cans... none of them really worked. We have limited space where our trash is and if it gets too wide we can't get down the stairs out the side door to drop it off and we can't open the cupboards to get at the cat food on the other side.

Blah, blah, blah... I FOUND IT. Not only did I find the PERFECT recycling bin but also the PERFECT trash can. And when you're me, this is a big deal. I find myself going to the kitchen with one piece of paper happily recycling now just so I can see our set up.

Anyway - they weren't cheap, but perfection never is. We got the Fingerprint-Proof Butterfly Recycler by SimpleHuman. And for our trash can we have the OXO Good Grips Stainless Steel Rectangular 40-Liter Touch Can.





I will say that you can get a nice trash can for a little cheaper - SimpleHuman makes a step can with a black lid for $99. But it's only 9 gallons and this one is 12 and takes up very little room. I also like the Touch Can because you can leave it open when cooking and just throw things in there for 10 minutes and close it when you're done.

Regardless, the recycling can is GREAT. It holds a lot of recycling (in the photo they use for trash and recycyling and we use the two containers to divide paper products and glass/plastic/metals) and is easy to take out the containers and dump them into the recycling bins outside. It's sleek, sexy and takes up almost no room. For urban living, I highly recommend it.

My last great trash can I had for 8 years and I hope to have this one just as long.

Sometimes ya gotta make a cake.

When it's a time of cravings and mood swings and tears at commercials... ya gotta make a cake.

My current favorite favorite cake is yellow cake with chocolate buttercream frosting. So i set out last night to make just that. I have a recipe from a cupcake cookbook that ROCKS but i was scared to use it for a cake because i'm not so good at math and haven't tried it before. But I want to make this cake for my Dad's upcoming birthday so I thought I'd try it out.

It had NOTHING to do with the fact that I want to eat an entire bowl of melted chocolate with a spoon and a glass of milk... nothing at all.

But I fucked up, ladies and gentlemen. I used a NEWWWWWW recipe that I'd never tried before from the Joy of Cooking for both the cake AND the frosting.

Don't change. When something is already perfect, don't fucking change it right when you are relying on the good ol' cake you knew and loved.

It's FINE. But it ain't the yellow cake I was craving and this "Chocolate Satin Frosting" is NO buttercream. The fact that the recipe calls for butter and cream is a mere coincidence.

This is what I ate for dinner. And breakfast. And a little snack just now. In fact this is ALL I've eaten since 5pm yesterday. I'm over it.



Use these recipes next time REDHEAD. Jeez.

1 1/4 unbleached all-purpose flour.
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp salt
1 large egg
1 large egg yolk
1 cup sugar
1/2 cup canola or corn oil
1 tsp vanilla extract
1/2 cup sour cream

Sift the flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt into a medium bowl and set aside.

In a large bowl, using an electric mixer on medium speed, beat the egg and yolk and sugar until thickened and lightened to a cream color, about 2 minutes. Stop the mixer and scrape the sides of the bowl as needed during mixing. On low speed, mix in the oil and vanilla until blended. Mix in the sour cream until no white streaks remain. Mix in the flour mixture until it is incorporated and the batter is smooth. The batter is ready to bake, or for additions such as nuts, or other flavorings.

And this frosting, noodlebrain.

Makes frosting for 18 cupcakes.

3 oz unsweetened chocolate, chopped
2 1/2 cups powdered sugar
1 1/2 T unsweetened Dutch-process cocoa powder
1 1/2 cups (3 sticks) unsalted butter, at room temperature
1 tsp vanilla
1/2 cup heavy whipping cream, at room temperature

Put the chocolate in a heatproof bowl or the top of a double boiler and place it over, but not touching, a saucepan of barely simmering water (or the bottom of the double boiler). Stir the chocolate until it is melted and smooth. Remove from the water and set aside to cool slightly.

Sift the powdered sugar and cocoa powder into a large bowl. Add the butter, and using an electric mixer on low speed, beat until smoothly blended, about 2 minutes. At first the mixture will look crumbly, but then it will form a smooth mass. Beat in the melted chocolate. Add the vanilla and cream, mixing to incorporate. On medium speed, beat the frosting for at least 3 minutes, until it looks smooth and creamy and the color lightens.

Both are from Cupcakes! by Elinor Klivans. I highly recommend this cookbook. Not all the recipes are great, but the ones that are (yellow cupcakes and chocolate buttercream etc.) are fantastic.

Oh, look - it's martini o'clock!

Which would be fine except that it's 8:45 am EST. And I have been up for an hour making tea and oatmeal and trying to get decent photos of my baby quilt (Bad Gal Quilts) uploaded from my iPhone [product placement] for my blog.

And I'm sitting here and thinking, "Is it time to go have drinks with my friends yet?"

A good friend of mine who shall remain anonymous (Jessica) upon returning to CA from Bermuda after the wedding was so upset at being back in her everyday life and not on a tropical island with her good friends texted a mutual friend at 10 am PT to see if they could go get drinks. She was up at 8am and waited a WHOLE TWO HOURS until it was socially acceptable (by whom I'm not quite sure) to mention getting drinks.

And that's how I feel today. Part of it is because I've been a recluse since I returned from Bermuda and have been working on getting our lives straightened up and cleaned out and looking pretty again. And I've been working like crazy on this baby quilt. (Two days.) Which I'm about to start on again.

But the other part is that my friends are the funniest people on the face of the planet and when I'm around them I care less about all the starving, homeless cats, the warming of the globe, the futile efforts of humanitarianism, the national economy and what an irresponsible waste of human being I am (depends on the day - for complaints see The Superego Dept.). And when I haven't seen them in oh, two to three days I start to get fussy.

My nameless friend (Jessica Huppi) is also coming to visit for a few days in early Sept. which is making me want to run in circles now in anticipation.

ALSO, another good friend of mine (Mrs. Tavano) is coming to pick up two kittens that were homeless and now will be fostered in Maine until they are found good and loving homes. She is driving ALL the way from Portland, ME to Brooklyn, NY on Sunday to pick up these kittens, one of which is in our guest room having breakfast at this very moment, and bring them back to the foster home. How's THAT for altruistic? Oh, and she too wants to see friends and have drinks.

So bring on the dirties - both people and drinks, because I'm ready.