Weight loss... what a bitch.

So I have decided to partially document the diet I have begun... again.

I have struggled with my weight for a long, long, long time. Even when I was thin/skinny/svelt I struggled and felt fat. I now look back at those photos of myself and think, "Holy crap, I would KILL to be that weight again". Getting older and having a slower metabolism doesn't help.

This is not reflective of my general feeling of attractiveness, sexiness, hotness etc. But I do want to lose a fairly significant amount of weight and since I have struggled with this for a while I thought I would write down some thoughts, choices, experiences as I go along. Maybe someone else will find them useful.

I have given up sugar until my birthday which is in July. I am allowed to have cake on my husband's birthday which is June and then will have a shit-ton of sugar on my birthday and make myself sick doing so. I LOVE cake. Love love love love love. I was not allowed to eat sugar growing up, or really eat a lot of anything, so now I feel immense pleasure when I get to gorge on desserts. So we'll see how that goes. I'm already (3 days in) psychotic with sugar cravings. I am allowing myself sugar in my tea and a little on my oatmeal. If you've ever eaten plain oatmeal then you know why.

No desserts, no sugary cereals, no chocolate milk etc. I'm also trying to work out 3-5 times/week (cardio & weights at the gym, yoga, kickboxing, pilates at home). And, of course, I am watching my fat, salt, and carb intake. I eat a lot of low fat meats, vegetables and fruits. The grains I do eat I try to make whole and keep them on the lighter side (Weight Watchers bread etc.). I will be doing Weight Watchers online which I have done before and it's really helped me.

I love all kinds of food passionately. I love to bake, to cook, to go out to eat. I grew up with a mother who enjoyed abstaining from foods in order to preserve her lovely figure - as a result this behavior is repugnant to me so dieting brings out a lot of negative feelings. I am trying to balance all these feelings with the feelings of wanting to feel good about my body, especially as I get older, and watch my health.

I'm 3 days into the no-sugar thing and I want to drown myself in a vat of melted chocolate. I literally moaned out loud at the deli today looking at my favorite chocolate bar. I think the woman behind the counter probably thought, "No wonder she's fat... she's moaning out loud at the mere SIGHT of chocolate." I was on my way home from the gym and was ravenous.

Ok! Off to shower and get back to my day. [Big, forced smile.]