last night as we were sitting and having a couple of drinks, trying to absorb the loss of our dear mo, my husband said, "Is that a full moon? Yeah, it is. Fuck you, Full Moon, I want my cat back."
i found his toy stuffed dinosaur and burst into tears, the one he brought and put on our bed so he could take a nap next to it. i saw his brother look for him and burst into tears. i realized we will never again sit outside on the terrace having a glass of wine while mo rubs our legs and hands back and forth in pure bliss at having our company outside. during story time with my son he would come and sit, butt to butt with me, back to back, and purr. i read my son stories tonight and no one came, there was no warm, slight pressure on my back, reassuring me.
he was the cutest kitten i've ever seen. and that's saying something. he was the happiest, most joyful animal i've had the pleasure of living with and loving. he adored my husband and would come on our bed and watch him get dressed every morning, waiting for the occasional pet as he walked around our room.
he peed on stuff when we went on vacation. it was maddening. the last time we went away he peed on our dining room table. he wasn't a saint, he was a cat. a cat who liked to have us around.
the night before he died, he sat at my husband's feet on the carpet, all paws tucked under his body, not moving, not looking for anything, just happy to be in his presence.
his brother is glued to my right hip as i type this. he's never lived a single day in his life without his brother. they would wash one another, nap together, play together, chase one another and spend nights outside together. he's so lonely it's heart breaking.
the lottery was $400 million the day after he died. i said to my husband, "i thought, 'would i rather have $400 million or have my cat back? and i realized, i'd rather have mo back'". my husband said, "i thought the same thing. yeah, of course i'd rather have him back."
we've lost two furry friends in the last month. our house is so much quieter, so much emptier. i keep thinking i see them both on the bed, around a corner, waiting for food. it's just one. one, lonely cat who doesn't understand where his buddies went.
the older cat who had been ill, while it was a real loss because he was my feline soul mate, he had lived a long, good life. but mo, he was young and vibrant and just fine right up until my husband walked back in the bedroom and found him dead on the floor.
these little creatures that people dismiss as lesser than humans... let me tell you, i have mourned more losing these two beings than i've mourned some family members' passing. they fill up our hearts and bring us joy and comfort every day.
i just said to my husband, "how am i supposed to cope with the loss of my cherished cats without the very beings that help me cope with loss?!". he replied, "i don't know". well, me neither.
i'm going to climb in bed tonight with my one remaining cat and snuggle and watch tv with a glass of wine. and try not to cry too much.
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