6:30 am wake up, make tea, have cereal, check email
8:30 am take over watching baby, play, make bottle
9 am put baby down for nap, change into work out clothes
9:30 am do work out video, shower, receive delivered groceries
10 am have phone appointment, unpack groceries
11 am wash dishes & bottles, make orzo with pesto for baby
11:30 am baby wakes up, feed him brunch of orzo with pesto. he hates it despite having pesto before and having loved it. hmmm. feed baby strawberries and yogurt instead
12 pm print itinerary & directions for upcoming trip, play with baby, clean up from brunch, pack husband's lunch for next day: guess what? orzo with pesto for him!, put away baby's laundry
1:30 pm put baby down for potential (but doubtful) second nap, get ready to leave for baby/momma meetup and swim time, change clothes
2 pm get non-napping baby up, finish preparing for us to leave
2:20 pm leave for baby/momma meetup and swim time, call husband & friend quickly while walking
2:30pm arrive at baby/momma meetup
3 pm first time in pool with baby! he loves it! kick kick kick!
4:15pm leave baby/momma swim time & go home with very tired baby
4:30 pm feed baby bottle and put him down for second nap (please please), unpack diaper bag and stroller from meetup, do dishes, make another batch of orzo, this time with marinara for dinner, check email, change clothes
6 pm wake up tired baby & feed him dinner
6:45 baby play time while i clean up from dinner (orzo with tomato sauce a hit and orzo EVERYWHERE)
7 pm bath time
7:15 pm bottle and bed time for baby
7:30 pm check texts, email, relax, eat something, do something creative, do dishes, put away food, clean up toys, check laundry
9:30 pm check in with husband who is working late
10 pm write blog entry for the hell of it
10:15 pm read book in bed until i fall asleep
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Monday, June 17, 2013
around
i've lived a thousand lifetimes already it feels. perhaps 1,000 is exaggerating. maybe three.
i'm a little lost, mom. and i need your help.
when does faith and perseverance turn into foolishness and self-delusion? are they the same thing until you succeed at something? is it like that saying, just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not after you?
i know what i want, but i don't know how to get there. and i don't know if i'm being stupid trying to fit a round peg in a square hole. as you may remember, i'm a bit strong willed. like someone else i know.
i think i can do these things i want to do, but i'm worried about the cost. the thing i am most angry with dad about is the cost. he was very successful. and what he did to get there (i don't know if it's what he had to do, but it is what he did), wasn't worth the end result. in fact, what he did to get there is what ultimately destroyed him. *cosmic justice is a bitch*
i know i have many choices along the way. i did a good thing- i picked a good partner in life. he's strong, he understands my fight, he supports it. but life is stressful and i see him suffer and i wonder what it's all for.
we could just move to another less-expensive city and both have decent, boring jobs that pay relatively well and live a good life, albeit a life neither of us want. but we could have things. things we don't have now and won't have for a while here, probably. like vacations. rest. help. we could hire help.
you taught me to go big or go home. yes, yes, you did. don't back out on me now. and you put yourself on hold when you had me. because you threw yourself into being my mama, and i'm eternally grateful. i don't want exactly that for myself. i want to be mama bear extraordinaire, but i want other things too. things that i hope my children will admire me for, or at least be impressed by my efforts.
but since i'm stuck in the house with a little being, it's hard to tell what to do. i wait and i clean and i cook and i diet and i work out and i take care of him, the little one whose presence has changed my life for always. he gets teeth i look at them and marvel at how startlingly beautiful they are. they are jagged and oddly spaced and when he smiles they pop out at me as if to say, we are working! this little body you made with yours is working, working hard! just wait! there's more! there's more than you could dream up!
so, this is a worthy task. so what if it takes all my physical energy in a day and most of my patience and all of my sanity? there are these eyes watching me, absorbing it all.
i need a guidebook, a road map- a sign telling me, no matter what you do, DO NOT TURN THERE. because i might just turn there. knowing my sense of direction (ahem), i will.
but maybe there's magic up ahead. and only the foolish and the brave get to experience it. god knows i am both of those. can you call out from where you are? can you smell my hair? i can see your hands, hear your shaky voice as you read to me. maybe you can send me a message. i'll be listening.
i'm a little lost, mom. and i need your help.
when does faith and perseverance turn into foolishness and self-delusion? are they the same thing until you succeed at something? is it like that saying, just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not after you?
i know what i want, but i don't know how to get there. and i don't know if i'm being stupid trying to fit a round peg in a square hole. as you may remember, i'm a bit strong willed. like someone else i know.
i think i can do these things i want to do, but i'm worried about the cost. the thing i am most angry with dad about is the cost. he was very successful. and what he did to get there (i don't know if it's what he had to do, but it is what he did), wasn't worth the end result. in fact, what he did to get there is what ultimately destroyed him. *cosmic justice is a bitch*
i know i have many choices along the way. i did a good thing- i picked a good partner in life. he's strong, he understands my fight, he supports it. but life is stressful and i see him suffer and i wonder what it's all for.
we could just move to another less-expensive city and both have decent, boring jobs that pay relatively well and live a good life, albeit a life neither of us want. but we could have things. things we don't have now and won't have for a while here, probably. like vacations. rest. help. we could hire help.
you taught me to go big or go home. yes, yes, you did. don't back out on me now. and you put yourself on hold when you had me. because you threw yourself into being my mama, and i'm eternally grateful. i don't want exactly that for myself. i want to be mama bear extraordinaire, but i want other things too. things that i hope my children will admire me for, or at least be impressed by my efforts.
but since i'm stuck in the house with a little being, it's hard to tell what to do. i wait and i clean and i cook and i diet and i work out and i take care of him, the little one whose presence has changed my life for always. he gets teeth i look at them and marvel at how startlingly beautiful they are. they are jagged and oddly spaced and when he smiles they pop out at me as if to say, we are working! this little body you made with yours is working, working hard! just wait! there's more! there's more than you could dream up!
so, this is a worthy task. so what if it takes all my physical energy in a day and most of my patience and all of my sanity? there are these eyes watching me, absorbing it all.
i need a guidebook, a road map- a sign telling me, no matter what you do, DO NOT TURN THERE. because i might just turn there. knowing my sense of direction (ahem), i will.
but maybe there's magic up ahead. and only the foolish and the brave get to experience it. god knows i am both of those. can you call out from where you are? can you smell my hair? i can see your hands, hear your shaky voice as you read to me. maybe you can send me a message. i'll be listening.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
alternative baking
see? i stayed away for about 3 minutes.
then i had to share this thought/s.
i like alternative baking. some people fall into the if-you-aren't-making-the-real-thing-with-lots-of-butter-and-sugar-then-don't-bake camp. i understand that. but i like to bake with lots of butter and sugar and i like to make alternative stuff like vegan, raw, paleo, low-carb whatevers. because the fact of the matter is, i feel like SHIT after i eat baked goods.
one, i can never stop eating them after a reasonable amount. never. i will obsessively eat cookies, cake, pastry, pie, you-name-it until it's gone and do not get between me and the refrigerator. maybe it's because my mother didn't believe in feeding her little darling sweets, maybe it's because i have the alcoholic gene (yup, you heard me) and the anxiety and depressive genes- if you're predisposed to depression you crave things that provide you with more dopamine in your brain like cigarettes, alcohol, caffeine, chocolate, cocaine...this explained a LOT to me when i found out about this...but i digress- and i want to eat sugar all the time. i don't know. i don't know and it doesn't really matter.
here's what matters - i'm unhappy with my level of fitness and appearance and have been for quite some time. truly unhappy. i exercise, i eat well, i monitor my calories and fat intake, i've lowered my blood pressure before yadda yadda yadda. BUT. if you put a dessert in front of me a switch flips in my brain and it's all i want.
one cookie? go fuck yourself. i'd rather not eat cookies than limit it to one or two. it hurts.
i eat until i feel a certain satisfying feeling and then i stop. it's always the same. the only way i have ever found to make this not happen is to keep all baked goods out of my home. i can go buy a slice of cake once in a while and eat it as quickly and greedily as i want and then i have no more.
but i love to bake. and other people love me to bake because i'm good at it. herein lies the conundrum.
so i turn to alternative baking and i'm still experimenting with what i like and don't like. i don't think i'll be making raw, vegan cheesecake again, although i'm glad i tried it.
here's the problem i have with alternative baking - don't call it cheesecake. don't call them brownies or truffles. if it doesn't have flour, sugar or butter in it it isn't a fucking brownie. sorry. it's something else. it might be delicious. but it ain't a fucking brownie.
i just saw a recipe for a gluten-free, grain-free, sugar-free, dairy-free, chocolate-free carob tuffle.
THAT IS NOT A CHOCOLATE TRUFFLE.
that's like saying New London, CT is like London, England because they're both called London.
NO.
one might be inspired from the other, but the reality is a far cry from the original.
anyway, i'm digging this grain-free baking thing. i'll let you know how it goes. but i'm not calling it cake without wheat, butter, or sugar. i'll call it something else.
then i had to share this thought/s.
i like alternative baking. some people fall into the if-you-aren't-making-the-real-thing-with-lots-of-butter-and-sugar-then-don't-bake camp. i understand that. but i like to bake with lots of butter and sugar and i like to make alternative stuff like vegan, raw, paleo, low-carb whatevers. because the fact of the matter is, i feel like SHIT after i eat baked goods.
one, i can never stop eating them after a reasonable amount. never. i will obsessively eat cookies, cake, pastry, pie, you-name-it until it's gone and do not get between me and the refrigerator. maybe it's because my mother didn't believe in feeding her little darling sweets, maybe it's because i have the alcoholic gene (yup, you heard me) and the anxiety and depressive genes- if you're predisposed to depression you crave things that provide you with more dopamine in your brain like cigarettes, alcohol, caffeine, chocolate, cocaine...this explained a LOT to me when i found out about this...but i digress- and i want to eat sugar all the time. i don't know. i don't know and it doesn't really matter.
here's what matters - i'm unhappy with my level of fitness and appearance and have been for quite some time. truly unhappy. i exercise, i eat well, i monitor my calories and fat intake, i've lowered my blood pressure before yadda yadda yadda. BUT. if you put a dessert in front of me a switch flips in my brain and it's all i want.
one cookie? go fuck yourself. i'd rather not eat cookies than limit it to one or two. it hurts.
i eat until i feel a certain satisfying feeling and then i stop. it's always the same. the only way i have ever found to make this not happen is to keep all baked goods out of my home. i can go buy a slice of cake once in a while and eat it as quickly and greedily as i want and then i have no more.
but i love to bake. and other people love me to bake because i'm good at it. herein lies the conundrum.
so i turn to alternative baking and i'm still experimenting with what i like and don't like. i don't think i'll be making raw, vegan cheesecake again, although i'm glad i tried it.
here's the problem i have with alternative baking - don't call it cheesecake. don't call them brownies or truffles. if it doesn't have flour, sugar or butter in it it isn't a fucking brownie. sorry. it's something else. it might be delicious. but it ain't a fucking brownie.
i just saw a recipe for a gluten-free, grain-free, sugar-free, dairy-free, chocolate-free carob tuffle.
THAT IS NOT A CHOCOLATE TRUFFLE.
that's like saying New London, CT is like London, England because they're both called London.
NO.
one might be inspired from the other, but the reality is a far cry from the original.
anyway, i'm digging this grain-free baking thing. i'll let you know how it goes. but i'm not calling it cake without wheat, butter, or sugar. i'll call it something else.
notes on surgery.
1. make sure you make your nurses and doctors like you. i was exceedingly polite and charming (duh) and i think it helps.
2. make sure you get a prescription for heavy duty painkillers afterwards.
3. after surgery, whatever you do, do not ever, ever never ever sneeze. NO SNEEZING.
4. pick an online project and get lost in it because it's gonna be a while.
i had laparoscopic surgery last week and have been off my feet, as they say, since then. my husband is taking care of our son like a champ...i don't like the word champ. like a gladiator. like an adonis. (how does an adonis take care of a baby? i don't know. but i'd imagine pretty damn well.) like a...like a man who is a real man and takes care of a baby really well.
you see, now i have time for blog posts. i have lots and lots of time to post about what i'm doing. and thinking. any little teeny tiny thought skitters across my noggin...i better write that down! share that with the world! that's a keeper!
help me.
my butt hurts from sitting on it. i rotate from chair to a stroll around the apartment to the bed. i take a shower once in a while. i take a nap, i take a rest and compile recipes and photos of summer homes obsessively.
everything is perfectly all right here, ladies and germs. just another neurotic patient healing in the confines of her brooklyn apartment.
i finished watching "Cracker" which is a great show. the last two seasons are actually just an episode each and they are disjointed and strange...there's a huge 8 (?) year gap between the 4th and 5th season. not sure what happened there. some slapdash producing, perhaps?
anyway. i have to download photos off of my phone.
and do all the other things i can never do because i don't have the time.
i made a raw, vegan cheesecake. it's not cheesecake. its nuts. blended with dates and honey and lemon juice. it's tasty, but it ain't cheesecake.
ok! i'm going to sign off from my scintillating reporting. try to live without me. just try.
2. make sure you get a prescription for heavy duty painkillers afterwards.
3. after surgery, whatever you do, do not ever, ever never ever sneeze. NO SNEEZING.
4. pick an online project and get lost in it because it's gonna be a while.
i had laparoscopic surgery last week and have been off my feet, as they say, since then. my husband is taking care of our son like a champ...i don't like the word champ. like a gladiator. like an adonis. (how does an adonis take care of a baby? i don't know. but i'd imagine pretty damn well.) like a...like a man who is a real man and takes care of a baby really well.
you see, now i have time for blog posts. i have lots and lots of time to post about what i'm doing. and thinking. any little teeny tiny thought skitters across my noggin...i better write that down! share that with the world! that's a keeper!
help me.
my butt hurts from sitting on it. i rotate from chair to a stroll around the apartment to the bed. i take a shower once in a while. i take a nap, i take a rest and compile recipes and photos of summer homes obsessively.
everything is perfectly all right here, ladies and germs. just another neurotic patient healing in the confines of her brooklyn apartment.
i finished watching "Cracker" which is a great show. the last two seasons are actually just an episode each and they are disjointed and strange...there's a huge 8 (?) year gap between the 4th and 5th season. not sure what happened there. some slapdash producing, perhaps?
anyway. i have to download photos off of my phone.
and do all the other things i can never do because i don't have the time.
i made a raw, vegan cheesecake. it's not cheesecake. its nuts. blended with dates and honey and lemon juice. it's tasty, but it ain't cheesecake.
ok! i'm going to sign off from my scintillating reporting. try to live without me. just try.
Monday, May 20, 2013
key lime cake, chocolate chip cookies, quinoa salad & cheddar jalapeno muffins = birthday picnic
i made the cake!
photo below. i added a layer of lime curd instead of frosting and frosting in the other layer.
the lime curd was great. i had extra whipped cream and frosting and an extra cake layer so please note the extra, sloppy cake in the background.
it tasted great.
it was a smashing success. one person told me to become a professional baker, and many others ate this cake even when they were not looking to eat a bunch of sugary stuff.
i served them at a picnic with these chocolate chip cookies from Joy of Cooking. a recipe from the 40s. it is, in my humble opinion, the best chocolate chip cookie out there.
and this quinoa salad which was yuuuuummy. it also got gobbled up.
but the biggest hit overall were these muffins. do not go another week without making these muffins. they were a huge hit.
tada!
it's foggy here in new york which means i'm happy snappy. i love fog and miss it so much. every foggy day here is a good for me.
photo below. i added a layer of lime curd instead of frosting and frosting in the other layer.
the lime curd was great. i had extra whipped cream and frosting and an extra cake layer so please note the extra, sloppy cake in the background.
it tasted great.
it was a smashing success. one person told me to become a professional baker, and many others ate this cake even when they were not looking to eat a bunch of sugary stuff.
i served them at a picnic with these chocolate chip cookies from Joy of Cooking. a recipe from the 40s. it is, in my humble opinion, the best chocolate chip cookie out there.
and this quinoa salad which was yuuuuummy. it also got gobbled up.
but the biggest hit overall were these muffins. do not go another week without making these muffins. they were a huge hit.
tada!
it's foggy here in new york which means i'm happy snappy. i love fog and miss it so much. every foggy day here is a good for me.
Friday, May 17, 2013
herman
once, i had a lavender cat who had thumbs named herman.
he was a scaredy-cat from a shelter and my other cat terrorized him. until he wouldn't come out from under the bed. i hope he found a good home. i took him back to the shelter when i was certain there was no hope.
i find the balance between remaining positive enough to be a constructive (ish) person and the draw of acknowledging reality as i see it (grim, dim, salabim) completely exhausting.
i don't like anything too positive - it feels like someone is spitting in my face by denying reality.
but sometimes i hear myself and think, oh JUST SHUT UP! everyone knows how shitty the world is and we're all just trying to GET OUT OF BED WITHOUT THROWING UP.
i already feel a little better. it's this pretending to be thankful and happy and brave and upbeat...it is fucking depleting. i am all of those things sometimes. but certainly not always.
so anyway, now i'm going to go make muffins. these muffins. don't those look yummy? my husband loves cheese. and spicy things. and it's his birthday picnic tomorrow. i'm also making a key lime cake. not pie, cake. i think it will be good.
everything is better with cake. i hope my husband likes it and has fun. our life is challenging these days and we don't get much down time. i'm hoping he sees how much i love him in this cake.
food = love. duh.
i'm really tired. i bet tomorrow i will see rainbows where i now see drizzle. because tomorrow is another day.
he was a scaredy-cat from a shelter and my other cat terrorized him. until he wouldn't come out from under the bed. i hope he found a good home. i took him back to the shelter when i was certain there was no hope.
i find the balance between remaining positive enough to be a constructive (ish) person and the draw of acknowledging reality as i see it (grim, dim, salabim) completely exhausting.
i don't like anything too positive - it feels like someone is spitting in my face by denying reality.
but sometimes i hear myself and think, oh JUST SHUT UP! everyone knows how shitty the world is and we're all just trying to GET OUT OF BED WITHOUT THROWING UP.
i already feel a little better. it's this pretending to be thankful and happy and brave and upbeat...it is fucking depleting. i am all of those things sometimes. but certainly not always.
so anyway, now i'm going to go make muffins. these muffins. don't those look yummy? my husband loves cheese. and spicy things. and it's his birthday picnic tomorrow. i'm also making a key lime cake. not pie, cake. i think it will be good.
food = love. duh.
i'm really tired. i bet tomorrow i will see rainbows where i now see drizzle. because tomorrow is another day.
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