herman

once, i had a lavender cat who had thumbs named herman.
he was a scaredy-cat from a shelter and my other cat terrorized him. until he wouldn't come out from under the bed. i hope he found a good home. i took him back to the shelter when i was certain there was no hope.

i find the balance between remaining positive enough to be a constructive (ish) person and the draw of acknowledging reality as i see it (grim, dim, salabim) completely exhausting.

i don't like anything too positive - it feels like someone is spitting in my face by denying reality.

but sometimes i hear myself and think, oh JUST SHUT UP! everyone knows how shitty the world is and we're all just trying to GET OUT OF BED WITHOUT THROWING UP.

i already feel a little better. it's this pretending to be thankful and happy and brave and upbeat...it is fucking depleting. i am all of those things sometimes. but certainly not always.

so anyway, now i'm going to go make muffins. these muffins. don't those look yummy? my husband loves cheese. and spicy things. and it's his birthday picnic tomorrow. i'm also making a key lime cake. not pie, cake. i think it will be good.

everything is better with cake. i hope my husband likes it and has fun. our life is challenging these days and we don't get much down time. i'm hoping he sees how much i love him in this cake.

food = love. duh.

i'm really tired. i bet tomorrow i will see rainbows where i now see drizzle. because tomorrow is another day.

a list of the best things in the universe.

hyperbole & a half's depression part 2.
this is a scarily accurate description of how i have felt (somewhere on this spectrum with a HEAVY accent on the HATE face sequence) for about 97% of my life.

and, of course, there's the God of Cake entry which is not to be overlooked. cake being one of my obsessions, i am a big fan of her interpretation of cake-vision.

i will update more to this list later. first i have to work out to release endorphins so i avoid massive depression. and no, i'm not joking.

3 things you can do to help your life and health

1. cook!

According to Michael Pollan, the author of The Omnivore's Dilemma and In Defense of Food, the number one thing you can do to change the food system in the US and to help you and your family eat better is to cook! He has a new book out called, Cooked: A Natural History of Transformation.

Well, we already cook all the time. It's hard to keep getting inspired, but I think this is one of the best things the internet can be used for. I just made this dish with artichokes, peas, and orzo over the weekend and it was delicious. It was too time intensive for my current schedule with a baby, but the end result was delicious and it fed over 6 people for a picnic, along with a sundry of other items we had.

I also can't rave enough about this garlicky broccoli recipe from the Times as well. I make it at least once a week and because of it, my husband and I eat a lot more broccoli. It's super easy to make and is just incredibly yummy.

2. stop using plastic bottles for water!

they cost too much and are a huge detriment to the planet. buy a reusable bottle and fill it up at the tap. tap water also has fluoride in it which will help prevent cavities for you and your children- not true of filtered and bottled water! Eating Well magazine suggests this Takeya bottle is a good one. I also use Camelbak bottles which are light and easy to use and BPA free.

3. grow your own herbs and food.

we grow our own herbs and some food each year. depending on where you live (climate, i mean), you can grow a bunch of different stuff. you don't need a lot of room, but you do need sun. and water. we have a patio and this year i've already planted our herbs. we will scale back the food we grow because i have a young child and don't have much time to dedicate to watering, but i'm still looking forward to fresh herbs all summer long. plus, i will freeze them so we have fresh herbs until the following spring as well. this way you know there are no harmful chemicals on your food and once established, your garden will save you some money on expensive things like fresh herbs.

my favorite things to grow are low maintenance, high-yield like tomatoes, especially cherry tomatoes, herbs, hot peppers (thai), zucchini, lettuces. this year we are doing herbs and maybe one tomato plant and that's it. we also have a fig tree and two blueberry bushes that i hope will produce a lot of berries this year!

yay, spring!

sweetness

sometimes life is so perfect, for a moment or a few, that it pierces my heart. it is so dear to me- all my loved ones, the smell of just cut grass, dawn breaking on a spring day when all is quiet and peaceful, the birds chirping with promise and joy, the sun on the ocean of a lazy afternoon, the sound of crickets on a summer night, burning leaves in fall, a ripe strawberry, the memory of watching planes land with my father and brothers, my grandmother's lipstick on a teacup, holding my husbands hand as we walk through new york, catching lightning bugs as a child, the memory of my mother's hands and voice, the end of a cocktail party with my parents when we were satisfied and tired, laughing with my dearest friends...so much laughter, christmas morning with my mother, someone else's music floating in through my windows on a breeze, the caw of a crow in the distance...the mere thought of my son. my beautiful, beautiful son.

i feel its dearness and fragility and endless beauty and in the same moment i know i will say good-bye to it one day. it is both Right and heart-breaking.

i love so deeply, i am loved so well. at the end of all of it, that's all that matters. that's all of it.

just float, float with the fish.

Vivian Maier

A woman is born in NYC, grows up in France, returns to the States and works as a nanny for about 40 years. While she is working as a nanny, she also take photographs. Thousands and thousands of photographs. And never shows them to anyone.

Finding Vivian Maier

Her photos are incredible. And I love how private she was. Especially in our celebrity culture now, to have someone who was so passionate about her work, so talented and persistent, and yet avoided the public eye...it's very moving to me.

To make art for the act of making it alone - I have a lot of respect for that.

I can't wait to see the documentary.

Article on Maier.

Coffee table book of her photographs.

two great articles on parenting

i read a lot of articles on parenting written by women these days. i miss my mom and wonder what advice she would give me now in my life. i think this article by Elsa Walsh might be close to some things she would tell me.

this was a particularly useful quote for me:
"Learn how to manage conflict, because the greater the level you can tolerate, the more freedom you will retain. Making compromises is a healthy approach to living.
For a woman to say she is searching for a “good enough” life is not failure — it is maturity and self-knowledge."

i don't have a career at the moment, but i'd like one someday. and so i try to take notes from those who have already forged that path and have a family.

this is another good one on the values we have as American parents. the things we don't realize we value and therefore emphasize when parenting our children.

it basically says we, as Americans, value intelligence over other qualities and therefore try to provide intellect-growing stimulus for our kids all the time. i do find myself thinking this way sometimes, although i also really value a person's ability to interact socially with ease and grace as well, so i'm sure i'll emphasize that with my son (something the Italians value a lot which makes sense to me).

"Every society interprets its children in its own way: The Dutch, for example, liked to talk about long attention spans and “regularity,” or routine and rest. (In the Dutch mind, asking lots of questions is a negative attribute: It means the child is too dependent.) The Spanish talked about character and sociality, the Swedes about security and happiness. And the Americans talked a lot about intelligence. Intelligence is Americans’ answer. In various studies, American parents are always seen trying to make the most of every moment—to give their children a developmental boost. From deep inside the belly of American parenthood, this is so obvious it isn’t even an observation. It is only by looking at other societies that you can see just how anomalous such a focus is."

good food for thought!

a storm has its way

so as you already know, new york was hit by hurricane sandy and turned into a noreaster or something like that. i was here, in my apartment with my husband and newborn, and it was not fun. at all. but we, unlike many other NYers, fared well with no flooding and no damage to our home. so all in all, it was just a terrifying night for yours truly. i've never experienced wind like that in my life and i've been through several hurricanes, including one on cape cod.

so as new york recovers from the damage that was done by the hurricane, i continue my little life taking care of my son. because i'm a SAHM (that's stay at home mom for those of you who don't read parenting blogs and websites), my little orbit is pretty small these days. so the lack of subway doesn't really affect me. i take walks and call people and pretty much attend to the needs of my two and a half month old son. sometimes it's the best feeling in the world and sometimes i want to smash my head against the wall. often within minutes of one another.

i have been drinking lemon water. this is the kind of thing that is mildly exciting to someone who only leaves the house to push a stroller around prospect park. i feel like it's healthy and found this on pinterest and thought i'd share it. because of course, if it's on the internet, then it's true.

i'm having my one hour of freedom before i have to go to bed so i can wake up and feed my son so i'm not going to post long.

here's a little something that made me smile when reading about the hurricane aftermath. i love cats. and i love that they band together, which they totally do unlike the stereotypes about their affect. i have three of them, i should know.

it was this part, in particular, that made me grin. picture this:

"In fact, in the eye—when the eye of the storm passed over Atlantic City, apparently, according to one of the security guards at a casino, 25 cats were walking single file down the boardwalk looking just fine. And he said the cats he looks after—Pepper, Pewee—they’re all fine.”

now, how awesome is that? 

i'm in love with blue dawn.

this is what's happened to my life now.

i had a baby and now i'm in love with a toxic-looking dish soap. it probably tests on animals (haven't looked yet) and gives you cancer, but goddamn it cleans well.

tonight i had two bowls of chocolate organic o's and chocolate chips with peanut butter because it was an emergency. it was such a hard day. there are great days with my newborn son, great moments, great seconds, and long, hard, exhausting, challenging hours, minutes, seconds and days. today was a hard day. i went to bed too late - was up watching the debate and trying to have a few hours of "me time" - and paid for it today.

i long for 5 hours where i can fuck around on the internet aimlessly.

so today was a tough one. he was cranky, i was exhausted. didn't shower, barely ate, managed two walks and a couple phone calls and to not go officially crazy for one more day.

now i'm off to enjoy a tv program and a shower before heading to bed and doing it all over again beginning at 3 or 4 am.

Making Optimism Work for You

someone recently sent me a link to this article which i found really interesting and invigorating. i'm not a huge fan of optimism because i always associate it with naive thinking, unrealistic views of the world that usually involve high levels of denial, and FORCING one to be happy, even when you're not.

i love how the emphasis in this article is on action, not on feeling happy. it makes sense to be ready for opportunity, to "fake it until you make it",  and to do it- and then learn how. no one knows how to live life until you get out there and RISK SOMETHING.

Making Optimism Work for You

i also love the Thomas Edison quote about not failing, but finding 10,000 ways something didn't work. i.e., taking the judgement out of a task and simply moving forward.

the tips at the end i think are extremely helpful. in particular, getting out of your comfort zone (something my mom was a great fan of) to get involved in your life; being in control of your feeling vs. them being in charge of you; and meditating to allow your feelings wash over you without judgement or reaction (this is really hard and something i'm working on) so that you can acknowledge them without INTERNALIZING them and letting them get in your way.

i hope you enjoy reading it as much as i did.

Post Secret & lovin la vida loca (god, did i just type that?)

Do you read Post Secret? Well, I do. Every Sunday I tune in to see what people submit as their secrets... I love it. I think it's fascinating what they choose to admit and how they present it.

Today I found one that read:

"My creative gifts are worth the mental illness I've suffered for them"

And I couldn't agree more. I have some trouble with reality sometimes... but there's no question I'd have this brain/heart again.

Making my own life.

I have a lot of trouble motivating myself to do things. Once I get an idea in my head that something needs to happen - look out! I will stop at almost nothing to get it done and get it done very well. But getting myself to care about things - how clean my apt is (actually I always care, I just may not clean it), waxing my eyebrows, paying the bills, exercising, putting away laundry... these things are difficult for me to do. I know, I know... nobody likes to do these things but it is like walking through cement sometimes to get them done. I think this is related to the depression I've been battling since I was about 13. I'm finally on medication for it and it seems to really help.

But even so, I wake up a lot of mornings and have to force myself to do things. Once I clean or wax or work out or organize I feel SO GOOD! And that's what I keep reminding myself... this is for YOU, dummy.

Today is a gorgeous day in NYC and I am about to clean up and vacuum so we can start the week with an apt that is neat so when we come home exhausted from work we can say, "Aaaahhhh, we're home" instead of "Oh god, what a mess." It might have something to do with the fact that my husband has been down with the flu for the week, leaving me to do all the cleaning/cooking/maintenance, and that both of us work a lot and have almost no down time. Hmmm..

And then I'm going for a bike ride. Watch me.

I'm cleansing, I'm cleansing, I'm cleansing.

That's what I keep telling myself. It's funny, for the most part eating fruit and veggies is really pleasing... but about two hours after I eat, I'm really hungry. So I'm tired of eating peanut butter on crackers to get protein and tonight I've informed my very supportive and wonderful husband that we are having vegan burritos. Refried beans, black olives, orange and yellow bell pepper, salsa and avocado. I grabbed reduced fat sour cream at the deli and then thought, "No, no - that is not allowed!".

I just downed a bag of baby carrots and a bunch of hummus and feel much less panicky. I do think my body is happy with me. But man, I get hungry quickly.

My friend's wedding is coming up and I'm so excited! I've known her since I was about 3 years old. And I can't wait to go up to Maine and celebrate with her family. I'm close with her parents and love spending time with them which is rare.

We've been having a heatwave here on the East Coast which is supposed to let up tonight when it will go down to a cool 88F. Beats 100 tho.

And my birthday is coming up. I'm glad to say I'll be on the road for my birthday having a great time with friends. I could use it. It's been a long year and for the moment, we get a breather.

Hallo. Vacation, dreams & life.

I am sad that the World Cup is almost over. I'm not a huge soccer (football) fan, but I like the countries of the world coming together to compete and being represented. It's fun to see who roots for what team and why.

My husband and I just bought a condo. In NYC. It has been a long process of being in contract and ignoring it because it wasn't time to do anything, and then doing a lot a lot a lot of paperwork and dealing with different personalities to get things done. It is FINALLY over and we are home owners. It's a great feeling, but I will be more excited about it once I have a feeling as to what our monthly finances will be. It still makes me very nervous. Our new place, however, is really great. It's light and we have views of trees and the sky which, especially in NYC, is rare and luxurious and soothing.

Next week we are going to MA and ME to visit some friends and go to a good friend's wedding. I'm excited to take a trip and also reluctant to leave our new place. We still have crap in boxes and I want to get it clutter-free so when we come home at night it is organized and relaxing. Such are the pressing issues of my life.

I am going vegan for a week. Except I might eat some seafood in New England. But besides that, I'm going to try going vegan to see if I feel better. I would like to try a mostly plant-based diet... everything I read tells me it's great for you, and I have never ever ever thought of myself as a vegetarian, nevermind a vegan. But, if it makes my body feel good then I'm all for it for a short amount of time to see if it works.

I am exhausted today. I had drinks last night with two good friends who came over for the 4th. We had cocktails and went up to our roof to watch the fireworks over Manhattan which was fun. Earlier in the day some other friends came over with their two kids, 4 and 7 months, and their baby took a nap on our bed. While he was napping our cat, Mo, played kitty nanny and watched over him. It was very sweet. As soon as the little one woke up, Mo got up and went about his business. Animals always amaze me with their instincts and emotional awareness.



Now it is the beginning of the week before vacation. And there are a list of important things to do before we leave. I am greatly looking forward to getting away with my man - NYC can be taxing and draining and it's great to get out and see some nature, eat fresh food and just have a different pace of life. Plus we get to see some good friends and celebrate with one of my closest friends and her family at her wedding! That is super exciting.

Someday I would like a vacation bungalow near the ocean. I miss going to ocean (this is the first summer I haven't gone with my family in decades) and listening to it as I fall asleep. There is nothing that relaxes me more and I can come back to my life refreshed and ready to once again tackle the every day puzzles that constitute my daily existence.

Plus, it's fun.

I would like this place. Thank you.

What I have learned recently. And so on.

When growing zucchini, plant 2 in a couple gallon plastic pot. They get huge and if crowded, will not produce as large fruits. Zucchini are fruits!!! Right? Seeds inside? Whatever.

Plant them with plenty of room to grow.

Caterpillars eat leaves of plants and while they are cool looking and cute, you don't want them in your garden.

You must water herbs every day, especially when they are in direct sunlight for several hours a day.

When trying to lose a bunch of weight rather quickly (I hypothetically have a wedding to go to in July that I need to lose about 15 lbs for in 3 weeks), drink a shitload of water and eat lots of veggies and whole grains and fruit.

Here is my yes and no list as to what I will (not) eat while dieting:

YES
Lean meats (chicken, seafood, pork loin, ham, turkey)
Vegetables
Fruit
Multi grains (Quinoa, Millet, Brown rice)
Oatmeal
Yogurt
Skim milk
Low fat cheese (goat, swiss, LF cheddar, parmesan)
Olive oil
Butter (small amounts)
Beans
High fiber cereal
Juice (in moderation)
Alcohol (Hard alcohol, wine, Guinness, Amstel Light)
Unsalted, raw nuts (moderation)
Low-sodium broth
Canned veggies rinsed & soaked in H2O


NO
Pizza
Fast food
High fat meats (bacon, sausage, beef)
Starch (Pasta, potatoes, rice, cous cous)
Sugar
High fat oils
Pre-prepared sauces (Chinese, Thai, salad dressing etc.)
Deep fried anything
Dessert
Alcohol (Beer)
Liqueurs
Canned food
Frozen entrees
Salt
High fat cheese (brie, regular cheddar, blue)

Do not eat bagels every day for two weeks and expect to lose weight. No matter how fresh and delicious they are.

I am beginning to make homemade compost because I want my veggies and fruit to be amazing and everything I read says I have to have it.

Jon and I are trying to buy a place and might close in the next week or so. This is an incredibly stressful process. I love our new place to bits, but I am now without any funds and no job and am hungry all the time.

My favorite ice cream is cookies and cream. Just so you know.

I have to eat now. Something healthy. Tonight for dinner I'm making baked chicken breasts, quinoa, beet salad. Yeah! Bring it on.