what it's like to be a mom

thursday something happened that encapsulated what it's like to be a SAHP (stay at home parent) for me.

it was a relatively normal day with my 15-month-old son. we were having a good time but i was feeling a little more drained than usual. we had been busy and i really needed to have a little time to deal with myself or i was going to go, as my friend says, binky banky.

i'm blessed with a good sleeper. i know, i know. if you're a parent without one, you're groaning. i'm lucky in this regard and i know and i thank my lucky stars. i'm also a stay at home parent who has no help. i mean, no babysitters, no nannies, no housecleaners, no family nearby - i do it all. i plan meals, clean our apartment, order/buy groceries, make doctors appointments, research activities, sort through clothes, read up on development, make playdates and oh, take care of my son.

i'm married to a wonderful man who is very supportive and takes our son a lot on the weekends to give me a break. like i said - lucky. 

but all of this is The Disclaimer. because if you're a parent, you know that even if you're lucky in certain regards, you're still a parent, working, not working, with tons of support or not, it's really, really hard.

so we were toodling along in our week together and he all of a sudden wouldn't go to sleep during his normal nap time. he wasn't sick, there was no reason i could think of why he was screaming like a demon baby instead of peacefully drifting off with minor soothing from me, as he normally does.

i was so tired. not like, i need to sleep tired. tired like I NEED TWO HOURS TO MYSELF OR I'M GOING TO LOSE MY #%$@ING MIND tired. when i realized he might not sleep, i found myself going to The Dark Place. here was my thought process:

oh my god, he's not going to nap. he's going to scream and be exhausted and have puffy eyes and be wired and tired and cranky and i'm going to be dragging my body along like someone in the desert looking for an oasis just for one. drop. of. water. please please please this can't be happening. i'll do anything. i just need a little time for myself. is that too much to ask? 

i can't do this. i cannot do this anymore and i don't know anyone who can. why would anyone have more than one child? this is horrible. i have NO TIME FOR MYSELF. there's no room. there's no room for a haircut, my hair has been growing unchecked for months. i can't clean my house properly, exercise, talk to my friend for more than 5 fragmented minutes, go on a date with my husband, work on anything related to my self-expression, GO TO THE DENTIST. i have been ignoring a cavity for about a year now. (hmmm...i wonder how that's going to turn out?) there's no time and i can't do this without a break. i can't make meals for him unless i'm navigating a toddler who's emptying all my spices onto the floor while i'm trying not to pour boiling water on his head before i get to the sink. this is untenable. day after day after day after day of no relief! why did we do this to ourselves? we had a good life, we traveled, we saw friends, had new experiences - we left our neighborhood! every day!

he's still screaming. this will never stop. i will never have a break again until i'm too broken to care. all of my dreams are swirling down the toilet in front of my very eyes and all i can do is watch and try not to throw things out the window. you don't understand, universe - these naps are ALL I HAVE. there's no one relieving me, there's no spa day, no vacation. I NEED THEM OR I CAN'T DO THIS PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME CRY WHILE PUSHING MY SON TO THE PLAYGROUND IN HIS STROLLER. i don't want to look like a crazy lady, i want to be a happy, well-balanced mommy with love in her heart and fresh baked bread cooling on the counter. why why why does this have to be so hard all the time?! 

i checked on my son a few times during the hour that he stood up in his crib in his sleep-sack, screaming his little head off in protest of having to sleep (in between which he yawned, looked exhausted and closed his eyes for exactly one second). the last time i went in to comfort him i had *almost* resigned myself to the fact that we were going to have a horrible day and i should just accept that we would both be miserable and we would get through it somehow. when i lay him back down this time he did so peacefully. he was on his side facing away from me and looked up at me with this sly, slow smile, grabbed my hand in his little one and began to suck his thumb, holding onto me.

i thought, you are the most magical, beautiful, wonderful little being i have ever seen in my entire existence. i love you more than i have ever loved anything in this universe and i want to smell that baby smell of yours for the rest of my life even if you are simultaneously driving me to the point of total insanity on a daily (if not hourly) basis. there has never been a creature as delightful and lovely as you and i would do anything for you.

i left his room and he slept for 3 hours. see? lucky. then i did yoga and took a nice, hot shower. i'm sure all of this will happen again soon, but in a different way just to keep me on my toes. 

two great articles on parenting

i read a lot of articles on parenting written by women these days. i miss my mom and wonder what advice she would give me now in my life. i think this article by Elsa Walsh might be close to some things she would tell me.

this was a particularly useful quote for me:
"Learn how to manage conflict, because the greater the level you can tolerate, the more freedom you will retain. Making compromises is a healthy approach to living.
For a woman to say she is searching for a “good enough” life is not failure — it is maturity and self-knowledge."

i don't have a career at the moment, but i'd like one someday. and so i try to take notes from those who have already forged that path and have a family.

this is another good one on the values we have as American parents. the things we don't realize we value and therefore emphasize when parenting our children.

it basically says we, as Americans, value intelligence over other qualities and therefore try to provide intellect-growing stimulus for our kids all the time. i do find myself thinking this way sometimes, although i also really value a person's ability to interact socially with ease and grace as well, so i'm sure i'll emphasize that with my son (something the Italians value a lot which makes sense to me).

"Every society interprets its children in its own way: The Dutch, for example, liked to talk about long attention spans and “regularity,” or routine and rest. (In the Dutch mind, asking lots of questions is a negative attribute: It means the child is too dependent.) The Spanish talked about character and sociality, the Swedes about security and happiness. And the Americans talked a lot about intelligence. Intelligence is Americans’ answer. In various studies, American parents are always seen trying to make the most of every moment—to give their children a developmental boost. From deep inside the belly of American parenthood, this is so obvious it isn’t even an observation. It is only by looking at other societies that you can see just how anomalous such a focus is."

good food for thought!

a storm has its way

so as you already know, new york was hit by hurricane sandy and turned into a noreaster or something like that. i was here, in my apartment with my husband and newborn, and it was not fun. at all. but we, unlike many other NYers, fared well with no flooding and no damage to our home. so all in all, it was just a terrifying night for yours truly. i've never experienced wind like that in my life and i've been through several hurricanes, including one on cape cod.

so as new york recovers from the damage that was done by the hurricane, i continue my little life taking care of my son. because i'm a SAHM (that's stay at home mom for those of you who don't read parenting blogs and websites), my little orbit is pretty small these days. so the lack of subway doesn't really affect me. i take walks and call people and pretty much attend to the needs of my two and a half month old son. sometimes it's the best feeling in the world and sometimes i want to smash my head against the wall. often within minutes of one another.

i have been drinking lemon water. this is the kind of thing that is mildly exciting to someone who only leaves the house to push a stroller around prospect park. i feel like it's healthy and found this on pinterest and thought i'd share it. because of course, if it's on the internet, then it's true.

i'm having my one hour of freedom before i have to go to bed so i can wake up and feed my son so i'm not going to post long.

here's a little something that made me smile when reading about the hurricane aftermath. i love cats. and i love that they band together, which they totally do unlike the stereotypes about their affect. i have three of them, i should know.

it was this part, in particular, that made me grin. picture this:

"In fact, in the eye—when the eye of the storm passed over Atlantic City, apparently, according to one of the security guards at a casino, 25 cats were walking single file down the boardwalk looking just fine. And he said the cats he looks after—Pepper, Pewee—they’re all fine.”

now, how awesome is that?