Stage fright

So one of my biggest personal goals right now is to address this issue that has plagued me since I was little: stage fright. It's unfortunate because the only thing I've ever really wanted to do with my time is perform on stage and it's the one thing that makes me want to pass out.

I've studied theatre on and off since I was young and I've done it occasionally, sometimes more than that. But I keep coming up against my fear of being in front of people. More often than not, once I'm on stage it's fine. Sometimes it's not and I am not able to forget that I'm being WATCHED and I can't access my creative place and I don't do very well but most of the time I can get into a groove at some point. But the panic (and I do mean PANIC) that I experience beforehand is horrible. I can't talk to anyone or deal with anything. If I remain very still and control my breathing I can usually make it through without feeling like I'm literally going to die. But that is so extreme, I'm determined to find a way to lessen that so I can function.

Right now I'm taking improv class in an effort to get my creative muscle re-attuned to performing. I haven't performed since moving to NYC and it's time. I've been busy doing other things like setting up a life with my now husband which has been so fucking awesome I can't believe how lucky I am! But now it's time to concentrate on me and what I want for myself.

So many women I know at my age are in this conundrum of being at child-bearing age and yet not ready to have children for a myriad of reasons; Financially, emotionally, relationship-wise, career-wise... we want to be set before we procreate. It's scary and exciting at the same time.

I remember after college watching some of my friends go to grad school and thinking, "I have no idea what I want to do with my life yet". Loving theatre, philosophy and the arts was not enough to guide me in the direction of a specific career... you have to really WANT something to go after it with everything you've got. And if you don't know what that something is and have a plan, most likely, you're not going to get it. You may not get it anyway, but you most certainly won't get there just by showing up.

Having said that, life leads you in places you can't anticipate most of the time and that is the exciting part. But for me, growing up on my own (which was very different from the growing up I did in my parents house) has been a hugely rewarding process. My life is very rich in many ways that it would not be had I placed a huge importance on succeeding in my twenties. I'm glad I took the time to get to know myself before getting to this point. I have incredible friends, a perverted, strange, creative, smart and totally lovable husband, and have had the opportunity to live different places and go where I want, when I want, as a result.

However. I'm 34 without a job, nevermind a career, and I need to find a way to make myself happy while providing myself with a life that will help me and my husband to flourish as people and not paint us into a corner.

Puzzles, puzzles. What to do, what to do.

For all of my weaknesses (of which there are plenty), I am a determined person who, once I sink my teeth into something, does not let go. And I'm getting a picture (albeit still a little out of focus) of what I might like to do. That I will not share with anyone until I know for certain a few basic things. So many people have an opinion when they should not that I have learned to keep my hopes to myself until it is time to act (if you'll pardon the pun).