right now brooklyn is shrouded in fog. i love fog so much, and miss it from my days in san francisco. we only get a few days of fog per year and right now it's cool and misty and you can barely see a few blocks away. i love it.
my mom's best friend visited me this morning and met my son. she brought me this guy. i opened the door and she was holding it in her arms. i burst out laughing.
it was so good to see her. she's a lovely person. she held my baby, cooing over him and talking to him. it was wonderful to see. she had never been to my current apartment and looked all around commenting on different things. she saw the wall of photos i have of my mother and stopped, quiet for a moment. she said softly, 'how beautiful...i've never seen these pictures.' and held up a hand, got tears in her eyes and looked at me, shaking her head. then she kept studying them and smiling.
we had a great visit. she shared some of her experiences as a wife and mother and listened to mine thus far. the time passed quickly and when she left i was sad to see her go.
after she left i was more tired than i've been in weeks. i could have slept for days. my son was tired and fussy and i didn't get the nap i hoped for, but we managed through the hours, took a walk in the evening as the fog rolled in. i talked with friends who listened to my difficulties as a new mom and gave me good advice.
and i returned to our quiet apartment with my tired son. i saw the photos on the wall of my mom and found myself crying. seeing her friend had brought back to me just how real and wonderful she had been, had made real the fact that she won't meet my son. i will tell him all about her and shower him with the love i know she would've bestowed upon him, but it's not the same.
sometimes people say that i should remember that if she were alive today it wouldn't be like the rose-colored nostalgic memories i have of her. (they should see some of my memories.) it would be fraught with all the complexities of a real world relationship. and i know that. i don't need rose-colored. the thing people don't realize is that even if she were alive and we fought and disagreed and were at odds it would be worlds better than this. because right now there is me with photos on my wall having a one sided conversation. and all there is on the other side of that is silence. interminable, relentless silence. i'll take the complexities of real world any day over that never ending mute reality.
it was so good to see her friend and have her in my space. to remember what it's like to have an older person who has known you for your whole life see a change in you, reach out and share some of it with you. i loved that.
the rest of the day was hard for me. and now i'm exhausted. but i had to write this down so i don't forget. as my son fell asleep on my body tonight i felt such tenderness looking down at him. his chubby cheeks, his little arm flung across my body. i am often filled with so much love i feel like i'm going to burst and the deepest, most intense feeling of dread. i can't protect him enough. but i hope i can hold onto the memories of these nights when i nurse him to sleep. how he snuggles into my body and sighs so contentedly. what a muffin.
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