sunday

i'm tired.

a little sleepy too, but mainly just tired.

complain alert. i'm going to complain.

i'm grateful for the wonderful things in my life and maybe you can make it through this existence without having moments where you feel like you're going to collapse and you don't know what you're doing, but i can't.

i almost don't see the point in writing this, but i thought it might help clear my head. i'm just not sure what the point of all this is. what are we doing? why are we doing any of this? don't get me wrong, i have ambitions, desires...i have so many desires it's laughable. LAUGHABLE. some might call them delusions, but i call them desires.

and i'll continue to work hard and try to be fair, both to myself and to others, and attain what i want while enjoying The Present. but i'm just not sure what the point of all of this is.

maybe there's no point. the point is, we have to do something...i mean, we do have to do something before we die, why not build a life? a life full of meaning, whatever that is to you.

ambition, success, the ability to enjoy your life, putting food on the table, nurturing your family, adventure, love, money, power, legacy, spiritual awareness. whatever it is that makes you tick... do you ever just stop and wonder -- what the fuck am i doing?

miles davis' "so what?" just came on the radio. timing is everything.

i have much in my life that i love, more than most of the people on the planet, i'd imagine. i love my family, love where i live, i have things i love to do that i may just be lucky enough to do again one day if we can figure out a few logistics.

i think it was growing up listening to my dad address the Big Questions every week that made me ask myself these kinds of things since i can remember. it was his job to ask, why are we here, how do we do this better, what is our relationship to god (that one i don't ask myself much anymore), how can be better people...

i think it boils down to being a stay at home mom for just over a year with an active imagination and a strong yearning to engage in the adult world more. that's what i'll chalk it up to.

that and needed medication so my synapses can trap serotonin efficiently. never been very good at that.

i guess we do our best and then when Life kicks you in the gut and you're lying on the ground with the wind knocked out of you, you don't ask "what am i doing?" because really what you need to concentrate on is breathing again. walking again.

you get up and you get your breath back and start to walk, ignoring the pain in your ribs because the alternative is give up. and that's no fun. i've seen how that plays out too. hint: not well.

i suppose there are people who grow old enjoying their lives who don't end up in tragedy or personal disaster. that's a good goal. to live to a ripe, old age without committing seppuku (just learned about that yesterday) or driving everyone who loves me away with bitterness and madness....that's a good goal.

but i'll think more about that tomorrow. today, i'm tired.