red hook & a jellyfish

i've decided that i want to take more time to appreciate the little things in life. so i'll try writing them down here.

as we were leaving my parents' house yesterday i took a photo of the most beautiful hibiscus i've ever seen. isn't it gorgeous?! it made me want to grow them stat. i also love pale pink flowers with red streaks…there's something very evocative about that combination to me.

we had the rental car for a couple more days free of charge so i decided we'd go to red hook this morning. we hit the worst traffic on the way there- the damn draw bridge was up under the BQE - and i did the side roads thing along with about 3,000 other brilliant new yorkers and we finally made it.

we walked the red hook pier and lil p had the best time yelling and pointing out each helicopter, boat, and airplane we saw. then he watched the water crash onto the rocky little beach and screamed, "WAVES!" at each one happily. we saw a jellyfish. all in all, a huge success.

it would be nice to have a car so we could visit other neighborhoods easily but maybe someday! we had one today and it was great.

this afternoon we get to go celebrate a baby friend's birthday and i'm feeling very lucky for that.

already today has presented us with little gifts and i'm thankful.

fluidity

today was the day i left my parents house wondering if it would be for the last time or if i would visit again before it's no longer ours. i'm not looking for pity. it didn't hurt. should it have?
if you say good-bye long enough it begins to be another sentence. it begins to sound more like hello to something else. maybe that's what life is - moving through things and not stopping too long at any one station.
that was one of my homes. but i'm sitting in a more recent home. there were others before, and will be more. 
tonight when my husband, son, and i walked through the door to our apartment i said cheerfully to lil P: "look! we're home!"

little things

the wonderful thing about being a stay-at-home-mom who rarely leaves her neighborhood and is often home is that little things take on great meaning.

it's summer now in new york and i'm so grateful for my little life here. i loathe humidity and so summer is often a time i moan and groan a lot, but after this long, depressing winter with a 1.5 year old boy bouncing off the walls in my apartment, i'm much more inclined to enjoy the warm, soft air.

today, i'm grateful for my garden. it brings me a lot of joy. i've had a few iterations of it in the past four years we've lived here at our little castle in the sky and i feel like i've finally found a good balance of plants that complement one another and provide different functions. some plants are just beautiful and enjoyable to watch bloom like my lavender, rose bush, peony, japanese maple, and bamboo. other plants provide us with food and a little bit of a harvest- our herbs, tomatoes, fig tree, and new raspberry bush (see "raspberry shortcake"). we have fresh herbs all winter long thanks to our garden which is a real treat.
and lastly, there are plants that serve the dual function. those are pretty much our blueberry bushes. we have two now and they give us a decent amount of blueberries (you'd need quite a few to have a steady supply and then harvest for canning) and turn the most beautiful red colors in the fall.
i have found the most wonderful ground cover flower for next to and under other larger plants - portulaca. it favors dry conditions, which our terrace most certainly is. and that means i don't have to baby it with water. it blooms continuously throughout the summer. i discovered it our first year here and then for some reason decided it wasn't what i wanted. i tried other ones none of which worked that well and this year was at the nursery, saw some, and thought, "hey! my old friend portulaca!"

here's a photo of it blooming next to my lavender plant. in this photo is a shell from a beach in NC where my primary family and i used to take vacations. those beaches have the best shell collecting i've found on the east coast. i brought back a bag of shells years ago and just took them out for my son to play with. i've put a few in pots and i look at them, remember the good times i had with my family, and smile.

as i get older i realize life is filled with these moments of recollecting while at the same time making new memories. summers on the east coast remind me of my primary family. and all the while my husband and i are making our new family and enjoying these years while our son is small and at home with us. it feels so very precious. so fleeting.

we are going to cape cod this summer, to a town my parents and i used to go to, and i'm so excited to explore it with my new little family. it will be filled with memories of my parents which makes me a little nervous. but i think we will have fun and my son will be thrilled to play on the beach and in the ocean and lakes.

today, it's portulaca blooming on my terrace next to an old sea shell that filled my heart with love. and the thought of catching up on masterpiece mystery! the best!

best gifts post

i'm all about gifts people will use as opposed to things that will take up space in a limited environment. the days of trinkets are gone, people. who has room for that anymore?

i like ice cream and have been known to eat a pint in one sitting even (although not for a few years now), but it's not something that tempts me at the grocery store. i'm more of a cake/pastries person than an ice cream person. can you hear the qualifier approaching?

BUT. Steve's Ice Cream is really good and has a flavor called Salty Caramel that is so good i can't stop eating it. my husband and i bought some for the holiday and oops, it didn't make it. so i went to our local organic place and got another. i'm not a huge fan of caramel or vanilla ice cream either but in this setting, the salty caramel and sweet vanilla melt together to create a symphony of contrasting yet harmonious flavors and....well, you get the picture. it makes no sense on paper that i would be obsessed with this ice cream but here we are. who am i to question the ice cream gods?

they also make flavors called Bourbon Pecan Pie & NOLA iced coffee & donuts. if that wordy endorsement wasn't enough of a reason to try it, then i don't know what to tell you.

this blanket from Eddie Bauer is on sale and the warmest, lightest, easiest to store thing. i bought one that was half price ($60) to replace some old throws and it would make a fantastic gift! if i could, i would buy one for pretty much my entire family. it gets over 700 5-star reviews. 'nuff said.

for the technologically advanced people in your life, you can get them Grid It, $12.79 on Amazon. i'd like to get this for my husband sometime soon. it's great for travel but also just organizing all the little parts that go together for our modern world.


for the little ones, you might get them a toy by Green Toys, a fantastic toy company that uses all recycled materials to make their products which are durable, lightweight and fun. we got the submarine for my 1+ year-old son for the bath and he loves it. it's very well made and i can tell he'll be using it for years to come. the submarine is light enough that he can play with it easily and the water pours out the front and side in a steady, pretty stream which makes him want to play with it and watch it. great for washing hair and just having fun all around.

for the 1+ crowd i'd also recommend the board book, The House in the Night. it's a rhythmic story about, you know, a house...in the night. it's very soothing and pretty and heartwarming without being too saccharin. there are good children's books and then there are special children's books. this one is both.

for the cook in your life, this Joseph Joseph spatula is great. i use it pretty much every time i cook for all the reasons stated on amazon.

if you live in NYC, and have an anglophile in your life, go to Myers of Keswick for some British meat pies and/or bangers. they are delicious and hard to find in the States.

we had some sweet friends send us an order from Zingerman's online deli that was really delectable. it blows Harry & David right out of the water as far as gift baskets are concerned.

more soon as i think of them!

what it's like to be a mom

thursday something happened that encapsulated what it's like to be a SAHP (stay at home parent) for me.

it was a relatively normal day with my 15-month-old son. we were having a good time but i was feeling a little more drained than usual. we had been busy and i really needed to have a little time to deal with myself or i was going to go, as my friend says, binky banky.

i'm blessed with a good sleeper. i know, i know. if you're a parent without one, you're groaning. i'm lucky in this regard and i know and i thank my lucky stars. i'm also a stay at home parent who has no help. i mean, no babysitters, no nannies, no housecleaners, no family nearby - i do it all. i plan meals, clean our apartment, order/buy groceries, make doctors appointments, research activities, sort through clothes, read up on development, make playdates and oh, take care of my son.

i'm married to a wonderful man who is very supportive and takes our son a lot on the weekends to give me a break. like i said - lucky. 

but all of this is The Disclaimer. because if you're a parent, you know that even if you're lucky in certain regards, you're still a parent, working, not working, with tons of support or not, it's really, really hard.

so we were toodling along in our week together and he all of a sudden wouldn't go to sleep during his normal nap time. he wasn't sick, there was no reason i could think of why he was screaming like a demon baby instead of peacefully drifting off with minor soothing from me, as he normally does.

i was so tired. not like, i need to sleep tired. tired like I NEED TWO HOURS TO MYSELF OR I'M GOING TO LOSE MY #%$@ING MIND tired. when i realized he might not sleep, i found myself going to The Dark Place. here was my thought process:

oh my god, he's not going to nap. he's going to scream and be exhausted and have puffy eyes and be wired and tired and cranky and i'm going to be dragging my body along like someone in the desert looking for an oasis just for one. drop. of. water. please please please this can't be happening. i'll do anything. i just need a little time for myself. is that too much to ask? 

i can't do this. i cannot do this anymore and i don't know anyone who can. why would anyone have more than one child? this is horrible. i have NO TIME FOR MYSELF. there's no room. there's no room for a haircut, my hair has been growing unchecked for months. i can't clean my house properly, exercise, talk to my friend for more than 5 fragmented minutes, go on a date with my husband, work on anything related to my self-expression, GO TO THE DENTIST. i have been ignoring a cavity for about a year now. (hmmm...i wonder how that's going to turn out?) there's no time and i can't do this without a break. i can't make meals for him unless i'm navigating a toddler who's emptying all my spices onto the floor while i'm trying not to pour boiling water on his head before i get to the sink. this is untenable. day after day after day after day of no relief! why did we do this to ourselves? we had a good life, we traveled, we saw friends, had new experiences - we left our neighborhood! every day!

he's still screaming. this will never stop. i will never have a break again until i'm too broken to care. all of my dreams are swirling down the toilet in front of my very eyes and all i can do is watch and try not to throw things out the window. you don't understand, universe - these naps are ALL I HAVE. there's no one relieving me, there's no spa day, no vacation. I NEED THEM OR I CAN'T DO THIS PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME CRY WHILE PUSHING MY SON TO THE PLAYGROUND IN HIS STROLLER. i don't want to look like a crazy lady, i want to be a happy, well-balanced mommy with love in her heart and fresh baked bread cooling on the counter. why why why does this have to be so hard all the time?! 

i checked on my son a few times during the hour that he stood up in his crib in his sleep-sack, screaming his little head off in protest of having to sleep (in between which he yawned, looked exhausted and closed his eyes for exactly one second). the last time i went in to comfort him i had *almost* resigned myself to the fact that we were going to have a horrible day and i should just accept that we would both be miserable and we would get through it somehow. when i lay him back down this time he did so peacefully. he was on his side facing away from me and looked up at me with this sly, slow smile, grabbed my hand in his little one and began to suck his thumb, holding onto me.

i thought, you are the most magical, beautiful, wonderful little being i have ever seen in my entire existence. i love you more than i have ever loved anything in this universe and i want to smell that baby smell of yours for the rest of my life even if you are simultaneously driving me to the point of total insanity on a daily (if not hourly) basis. there has never been a creature as delightful and lovely as you and i would do anything for you.

i left his room and he slept for 3 hours. see? lucky. then i did yoga and took a nice, hot shower. i'm sure all of this will happen again soon, but in a different way just to keep me on my toes. 

ps echoes

yesterday at the playground i saw a woman who reminded me of my mom. she had grey hair and was beautiful, but not in a conventional way. she was watching her son play, patiently, calmly. she was relaxed and there was something about her ... i'm still not sure what it was. but i could see Mom again, as a person and not a figment of my imagination. i could picture what it would be like to be in her real presence again for a moment. to see her watch my son...it took my breath away.

i don't usually try to picture her much. it's too painful. i wanted to go over and talk to this woman, just chat with her, to be in her presence for a while. every few years i run into someone like that, who seems to have a similar spirit and i try to engage them in conversation. to get that feeling again, if only for a moment. but i was with a group of people, so i didn't.

so today my head is full of ghosts. it's been a rough week. time to go make dinner.

sunday

i'm tired.

a little sleepy too, but mainly just tired.

complain alert. i'm going to complain.

i'm grateful for the wonderful things in my life and maybe you can make it through this existence without having moments where you feel like you're going to collapse and you don't know what you're doing, but i can't.

i almost don't see the point in writing this, but i thought it might help clear my head. i'm just not sure what the point of all this is. what are we doing? why are we doing any of this? don't get me wrong, i have ambitions, desires...i have so many desires it's laughable. LAUGHABLE. some might call them delusions, but i call them desires.

and i'll continue to work hard and try to be fair, both to myself and to others, and attain what i want while enjoying The Present. but i'm just not sure what the point of all of this is.

maybe there's no point. the point is, we have to do something...i mean, we do have to do something before we die, why not build a life? a life full of meaning, whatever that is to you.

ambition, success, the ability to enjoy your life, putting food on the table, nurturing your family, adventure, love, money, power, legacy, spiritual awareness. whatever it is that makes you tick... do you ever just stop and wonder -- what the fuck am i doing?

miles davis' "so what?" just came on the radio. timing is everything.

i have much in my life that i love, more than most of the people on the planet, i'd imagine. i love my family, love where i live, i have things i love to do that i may just be lucky enough to do again one day if we can figure out a few logistics.

i think it was growing up listening to my dad address the Big Questions every week that made me ask myself these kinds of things since i can remember. it was his job to ask, why are we here, how do we do this better, what is our relationship to god (that one i don't ask myself much anymore), how can be better people...

i think it boils down to being a stay at home mom for just over a year with an active imagination and a strong yearning to engage in the adult world more. that's what i'll chalk it up to.

that and needed medication so my synapses can trap serotonin efficiently. never been very good at that.

i guess we do our best and then when Life kicks you in the gut and you're lying on the ground with the wind knocked out of you, you don't ask "what am i doing?" because really what you need to concentrate on is breathing again. walking again.

you get up and you get your breath back and start to walk, ignoring the pain in your ribs because the alternative is give up. and that's no fun. i've seen how that plays out too. hint: not well.

i suppose there are people who grow old enjoying their lives who don't end up in tragedy or personal disaster. that's a good goal. to live to a ripe, old age without committing seppuku (just learned about that yesterday) or driving everyone who loves me away with bitterness and madness....that's a good goal.

but i'll think more about that tomorrow. today, i'm tired.

mo

good-bye, my friend.

last night as we were sitting and having a couple of drinks, trying to absorb the loss of our dear mo, my husband said, "Is that a full moon? Yeah, it is. Fuck you, Full Moon, I want my cat back."

i found his toy stuffed dinosaur and burst into tears, the one he brought and put on our bed so he could take a nap next to it. i saw his brother look for him and burst into tears. i realized we will never again sit outside on the terrace having a glass of wine while mo rubs our legs and hands back and forth in pure bliss at having our company outside. during story time with my son he would come and sit, butt to butt with me, back to back, and purr. i read my son stories tonight and no one came, there was no warm, slight pressure on my back, reassuring me.

he was the cutest kitten i've ever seen. and that's saying something. he was the happiest, most joyful animal i've had the pleasure of living with and loving. he adored my husband and would come on our bed and watch him get dressed every morning, waiting for the occasional pet as he walked around our room.

he peed on stuff when we went on vacation. it was maddening. the last time we went away he peed on our dining room table. he wasn't a saint, he was a cat. a cat who liked to have us around.

the night before he died, he sat at my husband's feet on the carpet, all paws tucked under his body, not moving, not looking for anything, just happy to be in his presence.

his brother is glued to my right hip as i type this. he's never lived a single day in his life without his brother. they would wash one another, nap together, play together, chase one another and spend nights outside together. he's so lonely it's heart breaking.

the lottery was $400 million the day after he died. i said to my husband, "i thought, 'would i rather have $400 million or have my cat back? and i realized, i'd rather have mo back'". my husband said, "i thought the same thing. yeah, of course i'd rather have him back."

we've lost two furry friends in the last month. our house is so much quieter, so much emptier. i keep thinking i see them both on the bed, around a corner, waiting for food. it's just one. one, lonely cat who doesn't understand where his buddies went.

the older cat who had been ill, while it was a real loss because he was my feline soul mate, he had lived a long, good life. but mo, he was young and vibrant and just fine right up until my husband walked back in the bedroom and found him dead on the floor.

these little creatures that people dismiss as lesser than humans... let me tell you, i have mourned more losing these two beings than i've mourned some family members' passing. they fill up our hearts and bring us joy and comfort every day.

i just said to my husband, "how am i supposed to cope with the loss of my cherished cats without the very beings that help me cope with loss?!". he replied, "i don't know". well, me neither.

i'm going to climb in bed tonight with my one remaining cat and snuggle and watch tv with a glass of wine. and try not to cry too much.

Shod with adamant

my friend, fellow ex-new yorker and roommate woke me by walking in my room, "get up. a plane just flew into the world trade center."
me, groggy, "what? on purpose?" i stumble into her bedroom where the news was on. we had gone swing dancing at windows on the world, lived in new york, started becoming adults in new york.

my brother was due to fly from nyc into san francisco, where i lived, that evening on american airlines. he'd chosen a later flight, thank god.

my mother had died two months previous and i was already in a grief-stricken fog.

i lost a lot in 2001. not as much as some, more than others. it's all tied up in grief, that time. i was losing the last of my girlhood. realizing what it meant to feel alone and afraid and truly heart broken. and what it meant to be strong.

i love you, new york. then and now.

understanding Heisenberg, real estate in NY, food & our attitude towards animals.

whew!

a lot in this week's Times that i find interesting. no time to finish reading or write, but i wanted to share the highlights.

Brooklyn Flea, brought to you by the makers of Brownstoner.

Can We See Our Hypocrisy to Animals? by Nicholas Kristof

Chicken with Cardamom from "Jerusalem"

Millet with Corn, Mango & Shrimp

Chilled Cucumber Soup with Avocado Toast

Nothing to See Here: Demoting the Uncertainty Principle from The Stone

Manifesto, in process

About politics, social issues, logistics- be loud, be strong, be willing to offend & look foolish to get what you want.

With loved ones, be gentle, listen, be kind, be your most generous self. When they act badly, know it comes from a place of pain, insecurity or hurt, and they need your compassion.

With yourself, listen. Above all else, listen. Give yourself the compassion you more easily give to others. Be strict, be fair. Know that you are in charge. No matter what happens, you are the boss of your life. No one else is responsible for your life, your decisions but you, even when things happen that are out of your control. Don't borrow trouble.

On fear, tremble. Pay enough attention to know when to be afraid and when to dismiss foolish thoughts of neuroses. Be afraid, feel the adrenalin and the clarity of fear. Then do what you're afraid of with your limbs shaking. Later you will know how courageous you were.

On dreams. Never give up, try not to get distracted. When you need a break, take one. Then get back to work. Never give up. Never listen to those who tell you all the reasons why your dreams won't work. It's just noise. Focus, take a step towards your dream each day, no matter how small.

On loss. It will consume you. Trust that the great current of nature will once again lift you up to the surface so you can breathe. When you need help, ask for it and know you are never alone.

quiet moment

yesterday i did a great yoga/stretching workout dvd and at the end i was able to lie on my back, allowing my muscles to relax into the floor and my mind wander.

it was a beautiful moment. i don't have many moments like that and when i have them, they are precious.

i lay there feeling the burn in my muscles and the endorphins course through my body and pictured my chest cavity opening up to the world, the sky, beyond our atmosphere. this thought went through my mind, "i hope death is an orgiastic experience with the universe. i will go back to from where i came and i hope i am reabsorbed into everything."

echo

yesterday, as i was reading my son a picture book that we read a lot something exciting happened. he's 10 1/2 months old now. he was really, really tired when i was reading it with him, it was almost bath and bed time. (we have 3 cats, this is important.) i was flipping through the pages identifying what was on each page, "apple, balloon, clock, rabbit, keyhole, hill..."etc. and he was silently, but attentively, flipping the pages. and when we got to the page of a cat he said, "mwarrrahhahaam!" and flipped the page. i think it was his version of "meow". yay! he can tell what representations of real things are! he knows what a cat is!

and just now i was looking at photos of wellfleet, ma on cape cod where i went growing up with my parents. i have very fond memories of wellfleet and would love a summer house there. it's a *little* pricey but i still dream. there was a photo of a beach near where we used to stay, and a photo of the water close up.

and all of a sudden- SO CLEARLY i could see my parents. on the beach. dad getting ready to take the boat out to go fishing. mom reading a book, feet in the sand. i could FEEL them. as though those things are still happening...just happening very, very far away.

clear as a damn bell. i see you, mom and dad. i hear you, i feel you. a part of us is still on that beach. enjoying life together.

next

6:30 am wake up, make tea, have cereal, check email
8:30 am take over watching baby, play, make bottle
9 am put baby down for nap, change into work out clothes
9:30 am do work out video, shower, receive delivered groceries
10 am have phone appointment, unpack groceries
11 am wash dishes & bottles, make orzo with pesto for baby
11:30 am baby wakes up, feed him brunch of orzo with pesto. he hates it despite having pesto before and having loved it. hmmm. feed baby strawberries and yogurt instead
12 pm print itinerary & directions for upcoming trip, play with baby, clean up from brunch, pack husband's lunch for next day: guess what? orzo with pesto for him!, put away baby's laundry
1:30 pm put baby down for potential (but doubtful) second nap, get ready to leave for baby/momma meetup and swim time, change clothes
2 pm get non-napping baby up, finish preparing for us to leave
2:20 pm leave for baby/momma meetup and swim time, call husband & friend quickly while walking
2:30pm arrive at baby/momma meetup
3 pm first time in pool with baby! he loves it! kick kick kick!
4:15pm leave baby/momma swim time & go home with very tired baby
4:30 pm feed baby bottle and put him down for second nap (please please), unpack diaper bag and stroller from meetup, do dishes, make another batch of orzo, this time with marinara for dinner, check email, change clothes
6 pm wake up tired baby & feed him dinner
6:45 baby play time while i clean up from dinner (orzo with tomato sauce a hit and orzo EVERYWHERE)
7 pm bath time
7:15 pm bottle and bed time for baby
7:30 pm check texts, email, relax, eat something, do something creative, do dishes, put away food, clean up toys, check laundry
9:30 pm check in with husband who is working late
10 pm write blog entry for the hell of it
10:15 pm read book in bed until i fall asleep

around

i've lived a thousand lifetimes already it feels. perhaps 1,000 is exaggerating. maybe three.

i'm a little lost, mom. and i need your help.

when does faith and perseverance turn into foolishness and self-delusion? are they the same thing until you succeed at something? is it like that saying, just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not after you?

i know what i want, but i don't know how to get there. and i don't know if i'm being stupid trying to fit a round peg in a square hole. as you may remember, i'm a bit strong willed. like someone else i know.

i think i can do these things i want to do, but i'm worried about the cost. the thing i am most angry with dad about is the cost. he was very successful. and what he did to get there (i don't know if it's what he had to do, but it is what he did), wasn't worth the end result. in fact, what he did to get there is what ultimately destroyed him. *cosmic justice is a bitch*

i know i have many choices along the way. i did a good thing- i picked a good partner in life. he's strong, he understands my fight, he supports it. but life is stressful and i see him suffer and i wonder what it's all for.

we could just move to another less-expensive city and both have decent, boring jobs that pay relatively well and live a good life, albeit a life neither of us want. but we could have things. things we don't have now and won't have for a while here, probably. like vacations. rest. help. we could hire help.

you taught me to go big or go home. yes, yes, you did. don't back out on me now. and you put yourself on hold when you had me. because you threw yourself into being my mama, and i'm eternally grateful. i don't want exactly that for myself. i want to be mama bear extraordinaire, but i want other things too. things that i hope my children will admire me for, or at least be impressed by my efforts.

but since i'm stuck in the house with a little being, it's hard to tell what to do. i wait and i clean and i cook and i diet and i work out and i take care of him, the little one whose presence has changed my life for always. he gets teeth i look at them and marvel at how startlingly beautiful they are. they are jagged and oddly spaced and when he smiles they pop out at me as if to say, we are working! this little body you made with yours is working, working hard! just wait! there's more! there's more than you could dream up!

so, this is a worthy task. so what if it takes all my physical energy in a day and most of my patience and all of my sanity? there are these eyes watching me, absorbing it all.

i need a guidebook, a road map- a sign telling me, no matter what you do, DO NOT TURN THERE. because i might just turn there. knowing my sense of direction (ahem), i will.

but maybe there's magic up ahead. and only the foolish and the brave get to experience it. god knows i am both of those. can you call out from where you are? can you smell my hair? i can see your hands, hear your shaky voice as you read to me. maybe you can send me a message. i'll be listening.

what.

what is happening here?

alternative baking

see? i stayed away for about 3 minutes.

then i had to share this thought/s.

i like alternative baking. some people fall into the if-you-aren't-making-the-real-thing-with-lots-of-butter-and-sugar-then-don't-bake camp. i understand that. but i like to bake with lots of butter and sugar and i like to make alternative stuff like vegan, raw, paleo, low-carb whatevers. because the fact of the matter is, i feel like SHIT after i eat baked goods.

one, i can never stop eating them after a reasonable amount. never. i will obsessively eat cookies, cake, pastry, pie, you-name-it until it's gone and do not get between me and the refrigerator. maybe it's because my mother didn't believe in feeding her little darling sweets, maybe it's because i have the alcoholic gene (yup, you heard me) and the anxiety and depressive genes- if you're predisposed to depression you crave things that provide you with more dopamine in your brain like cigarettes, alcohol, caffeine, chocolate, cocaine...this explained a LOT to me when i found out about this...but i digress- and i want to eat sugar all the time. i don't know. i don't know and it doesn't really matter.

here's what matters - i'm unhappy with my level of fitness and appearance and have been for quite some  time. truly unhappy. i exercise, i eat well, i monitor my calories and fat intake, i've lowered my blood pressure before yadda yadda yadda. BUT. if you put a dessert in front of me a switch flips in my brain and it's all i want.

one cookie? go fuck yourself. i'd rather not eat cookies than limit it to one or two. it hurts.

i eat until i feel a certain satisfying feeling and then i stop. it's always the same. the only way i have ever found to make this not happen is to keep all baked goods out of my home. i can go buy a slice of cake once in a while and eat it as quickly and greedily as i want and then i have no more.

but i love to bake. and other people love me to bake because i'm good at it. herein lies the conundrum.

so i turn to alternative baking and i'm still experimenting with what i like and don't like. i don't think i'll be making raw, vegan cheesecake again, although i'm glad i tried it.

here's the problem i have with alternative baking - don't call it cheesecake. don't call them brownies or truffles. if it doesn't have flour, sugar or butter in it it isn't a fucking brownie. sorry. it's something else. it might be delicious. but it ain't a fucking brownie.

i just saw a recipe for a gluten-free, grain-free, sugar-free, dairy-free, chocolate-free carob tuffle.
THAT IS NOT A CHOCOLATE TRUFFLE.
that's like saying New London, CT is like London, England because they're both called London.
NO.
one might be inspired from the other, but the reality is a far cry from the original.

anyway, i'm digging this grain-free baking thing. i'll let you know how it goes. but i'm not calling it cake without wheat, butter, or sugar. i'll call it something else.

notes on surgery.

1. make sure you make your nurses and doctors like you. i was exceedingly polite and charming (duh) and i think it helps.

2. make sure you get a prescription for heavy duty painkillers afterwards.

3. after surgery, whatever you do, do not ever, ever never ever sneeze. NO SNEEZING.

4. pick an online project and get lost in it because it's gonna be a while.

i had laparoscopic surgery last week and have been off my feet, as they say, since then. my husband is taking care of our son like a champ...i don't like the word champ. like a gladiator. like an adonis. (how does an adonis take care of a baby? i don't know. but i'd imagine pretty damn well.) like a...like a man who is a real man and takes care of a baby really well.

you see, now i have time for blog posts. i have lots and lots of time to post about what i'm doing. and thinking. any little teeny tiny thought skitters across my noggin...i better write that down! share that with the world! that's a keeper!

help me.
my butt hurts from sitting on it. i rotate from chair to a stroll around the apartment to the bed. i take a shower once in a while. i take a nap, i take a rest and compile recipes and photos of summer homes obsessively.

everything is perfectly all right here, ladies and germs. just another neurotic patient healing in the confines of her brooklyn apartment.

i finished watching "Cracker" which is a great show. the last two seasons are actually just an episode each and they are disjointed and strange...there's a huge 8 (?) year gap between the 4th and 5th season. not sure what happened there. some slapdash producing, perhaps?

anyway. i have to download photos off of my phone.

and do all the other things i can never do because i don't have the time.

i made a raw, vegan cheesecake. it's not cheesecake. its nuts. blended with dates and honey and lemon juice. it's tasty, but it ain't cheesecake.

ok! i'm going to sign off from my scintillating reporting. try to live without me. just try.

key lime cake, chocolate chip cookies, quinoa salad & cheddar jalapeno muffins = birthday picnic

i made the cake!
photo below. i added a layer of lime curd instead of frosting and frosting in the other layer.
the lime curd was great. i had extra whipped cream and frosting and an extra cake layer so please note the extra, sloppy cake in the background.
it tasted great.

it was a smashing success. one person told me to become a professional baker, and many others ate this cake even when they were not looking to eat a bunch of sugary stuff.

i served them at a picnic with these chocolate chip cookies from Joy of Cooking. a recipe from the 40s. it is, in my humble opinion, the best chocolate chip cookie out there.

and this quinoa salad which was yuuuuummy. it also got gobbled up.

but the biggest hit overall were these muffins. do not go another week without making these muffins. they were a huge hit.

tada!

it's foggy here in new york which means i'm happy snappy. i love fog and miss it so much. every foggy day here is a good for me.

herman

once, i had a lavender cat who had thumbs named herman.
he was a scaredy-cat from a shelter and my other cat terrorized him. until he wouldn't come out from under the bed. i hope he found a good home. i took him back to the shelter when i was certain there was no hope.

i find the balance between remaining positive enough to be a constructive (ish) person and the draw of acknowledging reality as i see it (grim, dim, salabim) completely exhausting.

i don't like anything too positive - it feels like someone is spitting in my face by denying reality.

but sometimes i hear myself and think, oh JUST SHUT UP! everyone knows how shitty the world is and we're all just trying to GET OUT OF BED WITHOUT THROWING UP.

i already feel a little better. it's this pretending to be thankful and happy and brave and upbeat...it is fucking depleting. i am all of those things sometimes. but certainly not always.

so anyway, now i'm going to go make muffins. these muffins. don't those look yummy? my husband loves cheese. and spicy things. and it's his birthday picnic tomorrow. i'm also making a key lime cake. not pie, cake. i think it will be good.

everything is better with cake. i hope my husband likes it and has fun. our life is challenging these days and we don't get much down time. i'm hoping he sees how much i love him in this cake.

food = love. duh.

i'm really tired. i bet tomorrow i will see rainbows where i now see drizzle. because tomorrow is another day.