homemade antidepressants.

some of us need more dopamine in their lives, in their synapses. i am definitely in that category so i'm always looking for things to make me happy. the most productive and consistently successful way, that i've discovered, is exercise.

but, really...how fun is exercise? not very. afterwards you feel like a rockstar. and you are!

but on those cold october evenings when you are NOT leaving your house, can't do drugs and need a dopa-rush...CAKE!

i made a new recipe of chocolate cake last night complete with rainbow sprinkles.
yeah, i'm 37...what of it?

and then this morning i made more smoothies to try and compensate for the *several* slices of cake i've had since i made this damn thing.

my husband and i had chocolate cake and mint chocolate chip ice cream for dinner last night. yup, that's what we had. and you know what? it worked. it brought smiles to both our faces.

take that, world!

the chocolate cake is super moist and a PERFECT birthday cake. the only things i wasn't super crazy about was the icing - it's too sweet for me. it's delicious. really. but as i get older i can't handle sugar like i used to as a kid. kids would LOVE this. but my friends recommend a Swiss Buttercream which i think may work better for me next time.
this cake is the Chocolate Mayonnaise Cake from epicurious.com. i know, mayo...gross. but if you've never had a mayo cake, don't judge! they are super moist. and tasty tasty. try it out.

the smoothies are a banana, some frozen strawberries, frozen blueberries (i prefer wyman's), flax seeds, a little skim milk and a few chocolate chips => a trick i learned from my older brother...thanks, b. enjoy!

Smoothie madness.

i've put off making smoothies for myself for years. i'm not sure why. do you ever have things you want to do but just never get around to doing? well, smoothies have been on that list for me.

i just made myself a berry, flax seed, greek yogurt, milk & choc chip smoothie for lunch and it was dee-lish-us. why have i waited so long have this healthy and satisfying food experience? i used frozen berries, a berry mix and whole, frozen strawberries. i quickly learned that for my cheap blender, that was too sticky so i added greek yogurt...still too sticky. so added about 1/2 cup of skim milk, that helped. chocolate chips (a trick i learned from my oldest brother...yum). and i had to add flax seed because uhhh...it's healthy.

bottom line is, the damn thing blended up with some coaxing from a spatula and it was soooo good.

next time i would like to use more frozen strawberries, fresh banana, more yogurt, milk, choc chips, flax seed and some chocolate protein powder.

love it!

tall clothes for women, and movies, movies, movies!

so i'm always on the lookout for tall clothing because... well, i'm tall. and as much as i'd like to fit into clothing from The Gap, Target, Anthropologie... it ain't gonna happen. i also happen to be plus-sized which makes my hunting that much trickier.

i just found this t-shirt which makes me giggle.

because oh. mah. gawd. do i get stared at a lot. and it's really irritating sometimes.

i'm searching out new sites for tall women's clothes and will report back here, stat.

i recently saw "Drive" with Ryan Gosling and thought it was pretty good.

the style was amazing, it was well-directed and made me laugh quite a bit given (SPOILER ALERT) how bloody it was! i didn't love the characters or the plot a ton, but it was worth watching. very miami vice, as my husband said. he knows a lot a lot a lot about film. more than me. and i know a fair amount. but i know more about acting. i tend to love movies that provide juicy roles for actors and actresses rather than clever directing tricks. he's kind of the opposite. i also love really clever, well-written films that have social commentary or philosophical ideologies that are well executed. "Dr Strangelove" may be the most clever comedy of all-time, in my opinion (have you seen any of "The Good Wife"?).

anyway. it's a beautiful fall day here in new york shitty and i'm babbling once again.

i also saw "The Debt" with Helen Mirren etc. it was good, not great.


i also saw "Contagion" and it was awful. just don't. i thought it would be, and it was.

i would LOVE to see "Love Crime" with Kristin Scott Thomas and Ludivine Sagnier. i like both those actresses, love crime stories and it looks interesting and cool.

i would also very much like to see "Mozart's Sister". again, interesting and i love movies with 'strong female leads' as Netflix, soon-to-be Qwickster, keeps telling me.
whomever came up with the name 'Qwickster' should be shot. for many, many reasons.

ok! off to harlem to have homemade Indian food tonight. bet you're jealous.

Looking for something fun and funny and cool to do this Memorial Day Weekend in NYC?

Well, here's the answer to all of your dilemmas:

That's Funny, You Didn't Sound Black on the Phone

is a stand up comedy show written and performed by Jacquetta Szathmari, with whom I went to college and I can tell you that even way back then she was super funny.

So don't hesitate, order tix because they are selling out quickly! I'm going on Friday. If you know me, I'll be there. If you don't, I'll bet you can spot me when I stand up after the show!

Need a laugh? Or twenty?

I forgot to mention that I saw this on cable recently and it had me rolling. It's not everyone's type of humor, I realize. You have to love the British sense of super dry word-play (love it), but if you're into that kind of thing, you will love "In The Loop". ROLLING.

It's filthy and ridiculous and so so so funny.

"We have a saying in Britain, 'Difficult, difficult...lemon difficult.'"

Dreaming of M&D

I dreamt of Mom and Dad this morning - how they used to be. We were in a tropical locale, which was often true when we were on vacation. Dad was being kind of a jerk, but not in a malicious way. Mom was...happy. She and I consulted on what I should wear. Do you know how long it's been since that's happened? 10 years. That's how long.

I went to a wedding 10 years ago with a guy I was seeing at the time. She was very sick by then. But her last act as a mother was to take me to a department store and buy me some shoes for the wedding. God, she must have been exhausted by the end of that trip. But she made a point of doing it for me. And giving me advice about how to relax and have fun, even though I was nervous about meeting his family.

Do you have any idea how much I've missed her? How I miss having a mother? Our relationship was far from perfect... but we were crazy about each other.

When I got engaged to Jon I cried for 3 months on and off about the fact that I would be getting married without her. Then I was able to move beyond it and enjoy the process.

Now that I approach child-bearing time I feel that I am in for another round of missing her and wishing she were here to ... well, to mother me. I miss my parents. That's all. I just miss them a whole lot. And I feel that I'm too young not to have them.

Some people never have them. I realize that I'm lucky that I had parents (at least one) who doted on me. She was interfering and obsessive and stubborn as all hell, but she loved me more than anything else in the world. And I, her.

It's taking a while for my head to clear from this dream this morning. Part of me is still back in that beach house asking her, "Is this the right cardigan to wear with this dress?" and she was saying, "No, wear this one, it goes better." We walked next to each other towards the restaurant chatting and laughing.

As she said when I visited her class at school- she would look up at me proudly and say to the students, "This is my baby girl." And we'd laugh as I towered over her.

I still am. Even at 36.

"Hanna" - cool, cool, cool... what?

I was SO excited to see the thriller "Hanna" about the daughter who is trained to be an assassin by her father played by Eric Bana (hot). SO. Excited. I love love love thrillers and yearn for way more shows and films with strong female leads and this one has TWO! TWO!

It was ok. I can't believe some of the plot holes. With a little more character development and some rewriting of the plot line to get closer to what would actually happen in that very unusual circumstance, this movie could have kicked as much ass as Saoirse Ronan does as Hanna. (She was great.)

Cate. Blanchett's. Teeth. If you've seen it, you know what I mean. She, as usual, was awesome. A great villain. And gorgeous. And super talented. Way to look good in a pencil skirt, Ms. Blanchett.

I thoroughly enjoyed watching it but I wanted it to be great soooo badly... and it just wasn't. But it was a fine thriller!

Next up: "Bridesmaids"!

Save your skin.

I just recently was recommended this sunscreen by my gorgeous and overly capable dermatologist. ELTA MD. I use the clear 46 spf for acne prone skin. I have what they call "combination skin" (i.e., oily and dry) and this stuff is the ONLY product that has not made my skin break out horribly with continued use.

Buy it. Use it. Love it.

It might save your life or at the very least stop you from looking like a prune too early in life.

You're welcome.

Baking! My favorites and some tips.

So, my husband tells me his co-worker has read this and wants to learn how to bake! Are you out there? Here are a few cookbooks I would recommend starting out with:
If you don't already have The Joy of Cooking there are some fantastic, classic recipes in it. In particular, if you really want to impress people make their chocolate chip cookies. It's an old recipe and is perfect and needs no adjustment. The really important part, depending on how you like your cookies, is to take them out the SECOND they brown around the edges. I prefer mine chewy in the middle and slightly crispy on the outside. Choosing when to remove them from the oven is always something that makes me second guess myself. However, regardless, they always get rave reviews. I recently made some for a friend who had a party, there were some left over on the counter and even though I made a chocolate bourbon bundt cake expressly for the party, the cookies stole the show. You can't mess with perfection. (See recipes below)


All things baked continue to bake once out of the oven while in the pan on the cooling rack. (Must have a cooling rack or two - the top of the oven is too hot to cool things properly.) So pulling your cookies, cupcakes, cake, scones whatever out of the oven the second they appear done is crucial.

Also, do not fudge amounts of ingredients in baking. And do not mix up the order in which they are added. Baking is like a science experiment. It must be executed exactly as the recipe reads - and then you will come off like a master chef. It's amazing to me how few people bake (because I enjoy it so) and how impressed they are with a decent product. The reason people don't bake is the same reason they don't garden - it takes time and patience and attention to detail. If you give it those, you're golden (and so are your cookies! hooo!).

Now that I've spoken like I know what I'm talking about here are some recipes and cookbooks to try out. Use pans that are light colored, not dark, as they reflect heat better and don't burn your goods. Have liquid and solid appropriate measuring cups. What else... have toothpicks. And buy the best ingredients you can. It makes a big difference. The difference between Nestle chocolate chips and Ghirardelli is huge.

Ok - I love Cupcakes! by, Elinor Klivans - the recipes are good and not hard to make. The yellow cupcakes are wonderful and easy peasy. The chocolate buttercream is my one of my favorites.

I also have and really like King Arthur Flour Whole Grain Baking which is huge and basically the bible of baking with whole grains. It can be intimidating because there are so many options, but that's my issue.

I also use epicurious.com a lot to get inspired by ingredients or seasonal desserts. That's where I found the Chocolate Whiskey Bundt Cake recipe (EASY!) that I've used several times. This is a huge hit with people who claim not to be "cake people". Served with fresh whipped cream and either fresh raspberries or strawberries and a little powdered sugar sprinkled on top through a sieve you look like a great baker. It's also fucking delicious. And did I mention that it's easy? You do need a bundt pan, however. This cake doesn't reek of booze - the whiskey flavor is light and does not overpower the chocolate cake.


These Bourbon Balls, however, will knock your socks off. I recommend making them at least 3 days in advance and keeping them in tupperware. They are great around the holidays.
Bourbon Balls
Ingredients

2 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder
3/4 cup plus 1 tablespoon confectioners' sugar
1/4 teaspoon edible gold powder if desired
2 cups vanilla-wafer crumbs (from about 55 cookies)
1/2 cup pecans, toasted, cooled, and chopped fine
1/3 cup bourbon
3 tablespoons honey
print a shopping list for this recipe

Preparation

In a small bowl sift together cocoa powder and 1 tablespoon confectioners' sugar and whisk in gold powder until combined well.

In a bowl stir together wafer crumbs and pecans. In a small bowl whisk together bourbon, remaining 3/4 cup confectioners' sugar, and honey and pour into crumb mixture, stirring with a fork until combined well. Form teaspoons of mixture into balls and roll, 4 at a time, in cocoa mixture. Bourbon balls may be kept, in layers separated by wax paper in an airtight container lined with wax paper, in a cool dry place 1 week.


This is the JOC Chocolate Chip Cookie recipe:
Chocolate Chip Cookies
Joy of Cooking

Preheat the oven to 375. Grease or line 2 cookie sheets.

Whisk together:
1 cup plus 2 Tbs all-purpose flour
1/2 tsp baking soda

Beat in a large bowl until well-blended:
1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, softened
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup packed light brown sugar

Add and beat until well combined:
1 large egg
1/4 tsp salt
1 1/2 tsp vanilla

Stir in the flour mixture until well-blended and smooth. Stir in 1 cup chocolate chips (I added an extra 1/2 cup).

Drop the dough by heaping teaspoonfuls about 2 inches apart on the cookie sheets. Bake, 1 sheet at a time, until the cookies are just slightly colored on top and the edges are brown, about 8 - 10 minutes. Let stand briefly, then remove to a rack to cool.

Makes about 36 cookies.


And this is a "low-fat" (har har) recipe for yellow cake with chocolate frosting. This is the basic cake that the most finicky eaters will love. And for whatever reason, it is hard to beat in my opinion. Fancy cakes can be wonderful, but for me a well-baked classic will beat it taste-wise every time.


Magic Yellow Birthday cake

(Adapted from cooking light)

½ cup of butter, melted

1 cup of fat free sour cream

1 ¼ cup white sugar

2 teaspoons vanilla

2 large eggs

2 cups of unbleached flour

1 teaspoon baking soda

½ teaspoon baking powder

½ teaspoon salt

¾ cup low fat buttermilk

To start making the birthday magic, get out your favorite cake pans and lightly spray them with cooking spray. I personally love my spring form pans. If you aren’t using a spring form pan, then lightly dust them with a tiny bit of flour on the bottom. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

In a lovely bowl, mix the butter and sour cream together till creamy. Add the sugar and vanilla and mix with a mixer on medium speed for about 2 -5 minutes. (Depending how much you are into this!) Add the eggs one at a time, and mix well till you have sunshine in a bowl.

In a different bowl, put the flour, baking soda, powder and salt, stirring well with a whisk. Add the dry mix to the wet mix, about a half of cup at a time, alternating with ¼ cup of the buttermilk, till the batter is just blended together well. Don’t over mix at this point or you will have interesting bumps in your cake tops.

Pour the batter into the cake pans and tap them a few times on the counter to coax the air bubbles out. Tuck them in the oven on the middle rack for about 30 minutes till a toothpick comes out clean. (I usually can tell when the cake is done by gently touching the middle of the cake. If it feels set up, it is done.) Cool them on a cake rack for about 10 minutes then remove them for the pan. Let them nap on the cooling rack to get ready for their birthday dress of frosting.


Chocolate cream cheese frosting

½ cup (4 ounces) of fat free cream cheese

¼ cup butter, softened

1 teaspoon of vanilla

1/3 cup of dutch processed cocoa

1 tablespoon of milk

1/8 teaspoon salt

2 to 3 cups of powdered sugar,

Plop the cream cheese in a mixing bowl and drizzle the butter over it. Beat with your mixer at a high speed till fluffy and inviting. Here’s the tricky part, sprinkle in the cocoa powder, then the milk, over the creamy mix and blend on LOW till the cocoa powder is safely mixed in. Beat faster till well blended. Add the powdered sugar, one cup at a time, with the blender on low again. After two cups of powdered sugar, taste it and see what you think. I like it at this sweetness, but you may like more sugar. When you have it at the perfect sweetness, whip it up good with the blender till you can’t stand it any more, and you have to lick the beaters! Frost your cake or whatever you have in mind and enjoy!

Nutritional information if divided into 18 pieces (ha!); calories 291,  fat 8 grams, fiber 1 gram, sodium 285 mg



And last, but certainly NOT least. Banana Chocolate Chip Muffins. These. Are. Amazing. And suuuuuper easy to make. Another recipe that wows people all the time. Great for kids who won't eat bananas also.


I hope this is helpful and interesting! Find what you love and make it over and over. It's fun and you become very popular in the process. Happy baking!

Europe 2011!

So. My husband and I are going to Europe in June for a friend's wedding and we've decided to stretch our far-too-few pennies to make a trip out of it. He's never been and I haven't been in fourteen years. Needless to say, we are both really excited, will be traveling on a serious budget, and yet want to get the best of each city for the time that we are there.

I've decided after looking at Europe by Eurail 2011 and Rick Steve's: Europe Through The Back Door (heyyy!!!) that our itinerary will be Rome, Florence, Geneva, Paris, London, wedding (also in England). This is an ambitious plan, but after planning out each stop and travel time I've decided it's entirely doable. And unless we were going to spend all two weeks in one city, we might as well zoom a bit and see as much as we can.

Now we are pricing airline tickets and have found a decent round-trip price from JFK-LHR (London) and then would catch a quick flight to Roma from there. It is about the same price as flying to Rome with a stop and home from London with a stop as well. I hate stops. I'd rather do a separate flight altogether. Sadly, we don't have enough cash to buy them right now so we are frantically scraping together what we can and watching the prices.

I have bought us several things that I consider travel-necessities. I know that we will a) be backpacking (and by this I mean, carrying our luggage when we can't roll them); b) staying in pensions as much as possible to avoid hefty hotel prices; c) packing as light as possible and washing clothes as we go to save on packing space; d) be fairly active each day.
This means we need:
a laundry cord on which to hang our washed clothing;
Woolite packets with which to wash said clothing;
very comfortable walking shoes - 2 pair in case we get blisters from 1 pair;
1 pair dressier shoes for nice evenings out;
very thick, breathable socks;
mix 'n match clothes are easy, somewhat cool (stylewise), and versatile;
eye masks for sleeping in bright spaces (hate);
blankets for travel on planes and trains;
pillows for travel on planes and trains (I'm all about comfort);
books for each destination with tips and reliable, current information;
money belts for secure transport and keeping of passports, cash etc.;
a camera;
a scrapbook and glue stick to scrapbook as we go (I'm such a craft dork!);
hats;
rain parkas.

See? Not so bad for a 2 1/2 week trip. The trick is not packing my entire wardrobe. I'm definitely the kind of person who likes to PACK. What if I need this? Ooohhh, this is so cute! It will be a struggle to stay practical and utilitarian with a few accessories to spruce it up. And one nice outfit for romantic dinners.

I am a PLAN-NER. Love to plan. It gives me a chance to milk the experience in advance and have the illusion of control.

So far, things are shaping up just fine. I'll relax a bit when we get our book on Italy, find a pension we can reserve a few nights at, and get our plane tix. Keep on movin!

The Atheism Tapes

I watched "An Education" last night with Jon on Netflix. It was ok. It didn't blow me away- it was a cringe-fest, as we say, for the first half and the second half was pretty predictable but the story was well told and the acting was good. It's not quite believable... but nonetheless, a good story.

Then I started watching "The Atheism Tapes" which are interviews with theologians, philosophers, scientists on why they are atheists and what that means in today's culture. I think it's fascinating (there are 6 episodes available on Instant on Netflix) and I'm excited to keep watching them.

Growing up as a minister's daughter I struggled with my own belief system. I used to believe in God and then realized (really realized and accepted) the fact that I don't believe in God at age 23 or so. It was a huge shift in how I saw the world and myself in it... I actually prefer how I see it now, probably because it feels true to me, although I am still nostalgic for the days of church, music, common understanding and community. I still listen to hymns at Christmas and Easter at home, I am constantly trying to find nourishment for my mind and soul (if you want to call it that, I'm not going to be a stickler). I just don't at all believe there's a deity in charge. Not even a little.

Things happen that I don't understand that are strange and wondrous and mysterious and I enjoy it and think someday we will be able to begin to understand them with science. I'm not in a rush - I like some mystery in life. I think people need to believe in God to feel less alone, less lost and to not be as afraid to die as they would be if we were "on our own" as a species.

I personally find the "benign indifference" of the world quite calming. There's no one pulling strings, judging me, trying to justify genocide and suffering - these things just are and we can work to abolish them, make the human race better (as we should!), and they will long outlive me. I love to look up at the stars and think of how small I am in reference to the Universe; how little I matter! Of course, to me, I matter a great deal and will live my life as if it's my one and only, because guess what?

But it's nice to hear educated people discuss what it means to be an atheist, the frustrations that come along with that in our culture today and linguistically what it is to have this view.

http://www.amazon.com/Atheism-Tapes-Richard-Dawkins/dp/B00175GAIS

Shit I want but don't need, pt. 304

Sales! Things! I'm an American! I love to consume!

Check it out - just got this inspired, once again, by my sister-in-law over the holiday.

This is the best cheese slicer ever. I grew up with one and took it for granted. The Norwegian cheese slicer is the best in the world and available for cheap on Amazon!

This throw we got from Crate & Barrel in blue - it's on sale for $30. Deal!


I have no $ to spend on shit we don't need. (For me, that means I want more clothes.) But all these sales! I'm drooling.

Happy 2011

A new year, a new attitude, a new list of to-do's.

I spent the holiday with family which was very enjoyable. It's always a let down to wake up on Jan. 2nd thinking, "Sigh... the celebration is over, now it's back to regular life." But then I realize that I like regular life and have personal goals to attend to and get excited about that.

I have a baby quilt to make on commission.
I have cat hammocks to make and donate to my local cat shelter.
I have an apt to clean, laundry to do, things to write, to film, to edit, to work out, lose weight, become my better self that I am constantly revising and analyzing.

The list is long.
I have realized that I am hoping to be in the doing phase of my life. I spent many years analyzing myself, my life, my mind and soul... and now I want to implement some of that knowledge into action, into being so it's not just me, myself and I in my apt gazing out at the days as they pass. I'm a day dreamer and it's easy for me to let time pass without too much marking it. The time will pass anyway, right?

I'm not thin enough, rich enough, employed enough for my taste, but join the club! We're in a recession, there's snow on the ground, it's cold out, people are leaving NYC cuz they can't afford to live here... I'm surely not alone.

I have a job, a home, a life. I am thankful for all of these.

All of this nonsense, all these lists, items, ideas are my way of saying - I think I'm ok with how life is going right now; it's not perfect, it's not even close, but it's good. That's enough, right?