a smoother smoothie

i'm OBSESSED with the smoothies i've been making.

i've decided to start adding whey protein powder to them after hearing about it from friends and reading about it online to make a smoothie more of a meal. it really works. i'm able to go much longer after having a smoothie before eating again if i add the protein powder.

i bought blue bonnet's chocolate flavored whey protein and add 1 scoop of that per person. today i made one with lots of frozen cherries (a great combo with the chocolate), a Tbs of unsweetened cocoa per person, 1 banana, about 1/2 cup of frozen strawberries, some cold water and a few Tbs of flax seed (sometimes i add honey and cinnamon too but not today). DELICIOUS.

i have to stop myself from making them more than once/day. that's how good it is. but it's super chocolatey. i hear the vanilla flavor is good too. but seriously, this is good shit.

i'm already looking forward to one tomorrow. mmmm...chocolate whey powder.

mini corn.

last night as we were eating chinese food my husband and i had this conversation.

me: what the hell are mini corn anyway?
him: what?
me: what are mini corn? are they really mini corns?
him: (sigh) yes.
me: oh.

a new friend.

today was a good day and a hard day ... again.

right now brooklyn is shrouded in fog. i love fog so much, and miss it from my days in san francisco. we only get a few days of fog per year and right now it's cool and misty and you can barely see a few blocks away. i love it.

my mom's best friend visited me this morning and met my son. she brought me this guy. i opened the door and she was holding it in her arms. i burst out laughing.

 it was so good to see her. she's a lovely person. she held my baby, cooing over him and talking to him. it was wonderful to see. she had never been to my current apartment and looked all around commenting on different things. she saw the wall of photos i have of my mother and stopped, quiet for a moment. she said softly, 'how beautiful...i've never seen these pictures.' and held up a hand, got tears in her eyes and looked at me, shaking her head. then she kept studying them and smiling.

we had a great visit. she shared some of her experiences as a wife and mother and listened to mine thus far. the time passed quickly and when she left i was sad to see her go.

after she left i was more tired than i've been in weeks. i could have slept for days. my son was tired and fussy and i didn't get the nap i hoped for, but we managed through the hours, took a walk in the evening as the fog rolled in. i talked with friends who listened to my difficulties as a new mom and gave me good advice.

and i returned to our quiet apartment with my tired son. i saw the photos on the wall of my mom and found myself crying. seeing her friend had brought back to me just how real and wonderful she had been, had made real the fact that she won't meet my son. i will tell him all about her and shower him with the love i know she would've bestowed upon him, but it's not the same.

sometimes people say that i should remember that if she were alive today it wouldn't be like the rose-colored nostalgic memories i have of her. (they should see some of my memories.) it would be fraught with all the complexities of a real world relationship. and i know that. i don't need rose-colored. the thing people don't realize is that even if she were alive and we fought and disagreed and were at odds it would be worlds better than this. because right now there is me with photos on my wall having a one sided conversation. and all there is on the other side of that is silence. interminable, relentless silence. i'll take the complexities of real world any day over that never ending mute reality.

it was so good to see her friend and have her in my space. to remember what it's like to have an older person who has known you for your whole life see a change in you, reach out and share some of it with you. i loved that.

the rest of the day was hard for me. and now i'm exhausted. but i had to write this down so i don't forget. as my son fell asleep on my body tonight i felt such tenderness looking down at him. his chubby cheeks, his little arm flung across my body. i am often filled with so much love i feel like i'm going to burst and the deepest, most intense feeling of dread. i can't protect him enough. but i hope i can hold onto the memories of these nights when i nurse him to sleep. how he snuggles into my body and sighs so contentedly. what a muffin.

i'm in love with blue dawn.

this is what's happened to my life now.

i had a baby and now i'm in love with a toxic-looking dish soap. it probably tests on animals (haven't looked yet) and gives you cancer, but goddamn it cleans well.

tonight i had two bowls of chocolate organic o's and chocolate chips with peanut butter because it was an emergency. it was such a hard day. there are great days with my newborn son, great moments, great seconds, and long, hard, exhausting, challenging hours, minutes, seconds and days. today was a hard day. i went to bed too late - was up watching the debate and trying to have a few hours of "me time" - and paid for it today.

i long for 5 hours where i can fuck around on the internet aimlessly.

so today was a tough one. he was cranky, i was exhausted. didn't shower, barely ate, managed two walks and a couple phone calls and to not go officially crazy for one more day.

now i'm off to enjoy a tv program and a shower before heading to bed and doing it all over again beginning at 3 or 4 am.

paleo chocolate pudding with coconut milk whipped cream

drooooooool

Chocolate Paleo Pudding with Coconut Whip Cream
2 ripe avocado
2 ripe banana
4 medjool dates, pits removed
1/2 cup cacao powder
1 1/2 tablespoons coconut milk
1 tablespoon maple syrup
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
pinch of sea salt
Instructions:
Place all ingredients into a bowl of a food processor.  Process until all ingredients are smooth and well incorporated.
Transfer pudding to bowls of choice and refrigerate for 15-20 minutes before serving.
Top pudding with Coconut Whip Cream and fresh fruit or on it’s own.
Makes about 3 to 4 servings of pudding.

recipes that make me drool. chili!

how good does this look?

it's chili season, after all.

Black Bean, Sweet Potato, and Quinoa Chili with Smoked Chipotle

Author: Monique

Recipe type: Dinner, Lunch, Healthy

Prep time:  10 mins

Cook time:  30 mins

Total time:  40 mins

Serves: 4-6

A filling chili made with Black Beans, Sweet Potato, and Quinoa, topped with a cooling smoked chpotle yogurt.

Ingredients

• 1 teaspoon olive oil
• 1 small onion, diced
• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• 2 medium carrots, diced small
• ½ teaspoon turmeric
• ¼ teaspoon cinnamon
• pinch of nutmeg
• 1 teaspoon cumin
• 2 teaspoons chili powder
• 1 teaspoon Smoked Chipotle Tabasco sauce
• salt, to taste
• 1 can (15.5 oz) low-sodium tomato sauce
• 2 cups cooked quinoa
• 2 can black beans (15.5 oz), drained
• 4 cups low-sodium vegetable stock, plus more to thin if desired
• 1 large sweet potato, peeled and diced into small cubes
• For Chipotle Creme:
• 1 cup plain greek yogurt
• 2 teaspoons Smoked Chipotle Tabasco sauce, plus more if desired
• ½ teaspoon honey
• ¼ teaspoon dijon mustard

Instructions

1. Heat the olive oil in  a medium pot over medium-high heat. Add the onion, garlic, carrots and salt; saute for 5 minutes or until onions become translucent.
2. Add the entire can of tomato sauce to the pot. Next add the black beans, vegetarian broth, all spices, and quinoa. Bring to a boil; reduce the heat to medium, add diced sweet potatoes. Cover and simmer for 30 minutes, or until potatoes are tender. Taste and adjust the seasoning if needed.
3. Make the smoked chipotle yogurt combine tabasco sauce, honey, and dijon mustard in a medium bowl.
4. Spoon chili into bowls and add yogurt sauce on top. Enjoy!

616