Wednesday, November 27, 2013

best gifts post

i'm all about gifts people will use as opposed to things that will take up space in a limited environment. the days of trinkets are gone, people. who has room for that anymore?

i like ice cream and have been known to eat a pint in one sitting even (although not for a few years now), but it's not something that tempts me at the grocery store. i'm more of a cake/pastries person than an ice cream person. can you hear the qualifier approaching?

BUT. Steve's Ice Cream is really good and has a flavor called Salty Caramel that is so good i can't stop eating it. my husband and i bought some for the holiday and oops, it didn't make it. so i went to our local organic place and got another. i'm not a huge fan of caramel or vanilla ice cream either but in this setting, the salty caramel and sweet vanilla melt together to create a symphony of contrasting yet harmonious flavors and....well, you get the picture. it makes no sense on paper that i would be obsessed with this ice cream but here we are. who am i to question the ice cream gods?

they also make flavors called Bourbon Pecan PieNOLA iced coffee & donuts. if that wordy endorsement wasn't enough of a reason to try it, then i don't know what to tell you.

this blanket from Eddie Bauer is on sale and the warmest, lightest, easiest to store thing. i bought one that was half price ($60) to replace some old throws and it would make a fantastic gift! if i could, i would buy one for pretty much my entire family. it gets over 700 5-star reviews. 'nuff said.


for the technologically advanced people in your life, you can get them Grid It, $12.79 on Amazon. i'd like to get this for my husband sometime soon. it's great for travel but also just organizing all the little parts that go together for our modern world.


for the little ones, you might get them a toy by Green Toys, a fantastic toy company that uses all recycled materials to make their products which are durable, lightweight and fun. we got the submarine for my 1+ year-old son for the bath and he loves it. it's very well made and i can tell he'll be using it for years to come. the submarine is light enough that he can play with it easily and the water pours out the front and side in a steady, pretty stream which makes him want to play with it and watch it. great for washing hair and just having fun all around.

for the 1+ crowd i'd also recommend the board book, The House in the Night. it's a rhythmic story about, you know, a house...in the night. it's very soothing and pretty and heartwarming without being too saccharin. there are good children's books and then there are special children's books. this one is both.

for the cook in your life, this Joseph Joseph spatula is great. i use it pretty much every time i cook for all the reasons stated on amazon.

if you live in NYC, and have an anglophile in your life, go to Myers of Keswick for some British meat pies and/or bangers. they are delicious and hard to find in the States.

we had some sweet friends send us an order from Zingerman's online deli that was really delectable. it blows Harry & David right out of the water as far as gift baskets are concerned.

more soon as i think of them!

Saturday, November 16, 2013

what it's like to be a mom

thursday something happened that encapsulated what it's like to be a SAHP (stay at home parent) for me.

it was a relatively normal day with my 15-month-old son. we were having a good time but i was feeling a little more drained than usual. we had been busy and i really needed to have a little time to deal with myself or i was going to go, as my friend says, binky banky.

i'm blessed with a good sleeper. i know, i know. if you're a parent without one, you're groaning. i'm lucky in this regard and i know and i thank my lucky stars. i'm also a stay at home parent who has no help. i mean, no babysitters, no nannies, no housecleaners, no family nearby - i do it all. i plan meals, clean our apartment, order/buy groceries, make doctors appointments, research activities, sort through clothes, read up on development, make playdates and oh, take care of my son.

i'm married to a wonderful man who is very supportive and takes our son a lot on the weekends to give me a break. like i said - lucky. 

but all of this is The Disclaimer. because if you're a parent, you know that even if you're lucky in certain regards, you're still a parent, working, not working, with tons of support or not, it's really, really hard.

so we were toodling along in our week together and he all of a sudden wouldn't go to sleep during his normal nap time. he wasn't sick, there was no reason i could think of why he was screaming like a demon baby instead of peacefully drifting off with minor soothing from me, as he normally does.

i was so tired. not like, i need to sleep tired. tired like I NEED TWO HOURS TO MYSELF OR I'M GOING TO LOSE MY #%$@ING MIND tired. when i realized he might not sleep, i found myself going to The Dark Place. here was my thought process:

oh my god, he's not going to nap. he's going to scream and be exhausted and have puffy eyes and be wired and tired and cranky and i'm going to be dragging my body along like someone in the desert looking for an oasis just for one. drop. of. water. please please please this can't be happening. i'll do anything. i just need a little time for myself. is that too much to ask? 

i can't do this. i cannot do this anymore and i don't know anyone who can. why would anyone have more than one child? this is horrible. i have NO TIME FOR MYSELF. there's no room. there's no room for a haircut, my hair has been growing unchecked for months. i can't clean my house properly, exercise, talk to my friend for more than 5 fragmented minutes, go on a date with my husband, work on anything related to my self-expression, GO TO THE DENTIST. i have been ignoring a cavity for about a year now. (hmmm...i wonder how that's going to turn out?) there's no time and i can't do this without a break. i can't make meals for him unless i'm navigating a toddler who's emptying all my spices onto the floor while i'm trying not to pour boiling water on his head before i get to the sink. this is untenable. day after day after day after day of no relief! why did we do this to ourselves? we had a good life, we traveled, we saw friends, had new experiences - we left our neighborhood! every day!
he's still screaming. this will never stop. i will never have a break again until i'm too broken to care. all of my dreams are swirling down the toilet in front of my very eyes and all i can do is watch and try not to throw things out the window. you don't understand, universe - these naps are ALL I HAVE. there's no one relieving me, there's no spa day, no vacation. I NEED THEM OR I CAN'T DO THIS PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME CRY WHILE PUSHING MY SON TO THE PLAYGROUND IN HIS STROLLER. i don't want to look like a crazy lady, i want to be a happy, well-balanced mommy with love in her heart and fresh baked bread cooling on the counter. why why why does this have to be so hard all the time?! 

i checked on my son a few times during the hour that he stood up in his crib in his sleep-sack, screaming his little head off in protest of having to sleep (in between which he yawned, looked exhausted and closed his eyes for exactly one second). the last time i went in to comfort him i had *almost* resigned myself to the fact that we were going to have a horrible day and i should just accept that we would both be miserable and we would get through it somehow. when i lay him back down this time he did so peacefully. he was on his side facing away from me and looked up at me with this sly, slow smile, grabbed my hand in his little one and began to suck his thumb, holding onto me.

i thought, you are the most magical, beautiful, wonderful little being i have ever seen in my entire existence. i love you more than i have ever loved anything in this universe and i want to smell that baby smell of yours for the rest of my life even if you are simultaneously driving me to the point of total insanity on a daily (if not hourly) basis. there has never been a creature as delightful and lovely as you and i would do anything for you.

i left his room and he slept for 3 hours. see? lucky. then i did yoga and took a nice, hot shower. i'm sure all of this will happen again soon, but in a different way just to keep me on my toes. 

Sunday, September 22, 2013

ps echoes

yesterday at the playground i saw a woman who reminded me of my mom. she had grey hair and was beautiful, but not in a conventional way. she was watching her son play, patiently, calmly. she was relaxed and there was something about her ... i'm still not sure what it was. but i could see Mom again, as a person and not a figment of my imagination. i could picture what it would be like to be in her real presence again for a moment. to see her watch my son...it took my breath away.

i don't usually try to picture her much. it's too painful. i wanted to go over and talk to this woman, just chat with her, to be in her presence for a while. every few years i run into someone like that, who seems to have a similar spirit and i try to engage them in conversation. to get that feeling again, if only for a moment. but i was with a group of people, so i didn't.

so today my head is full of ghosts. it's been a rough week. time to go make dinner.

sunday

i'm tired.

a little sleepy too, but mainly just tired.

complain alert. i'm going to complain.

i'm grateful for the wonderful things in my life and maybe you can make it through this existence without having moments where you feel like you're going to collapse and you don't know what you're doing, but i can't.

i almost don't see the point in writing this, but i thought it might help clear my head. i'm just not sure what the point of all this is. what are we doing? why are we doing any of this? don't get me wrong, i have ambitions, desires...i have so many desires it's laughable. LAUGHABLE. some might call them delusions, but i call them desires.

and i'll continue to work hard and try to be fair, both to myself and to others, and attain what i want while enjoying The Present. but i'm just not sure what the point of all of this is.

maybe there's no point. the point is, we have to do something...i mean, we do have to do something before we die, why not build a life? a life full of meaning, whatever that is to you.

ambition, success, the ability to enjoy your life, putting food on the table, nurturing your family, adventure, love, money, power, legacy, spiritual awareness. whatever it is that makes you tick... do you ever just stop and wonder -- what the fuck am i doing?

miles davis' "so what?" just came on the radio. timing is everything.

i have much in my life that i love, more than most of the people on the planet, i'd imagine. i love my family, love where i live, i have things i love to do that i may just be lucky enough to do again one day if we can figure out a few logistics.

i think it was growing up listening to my dad address the Big Questions every week that made me ask myself these kinds of things since i can remember. it was his job to ask, why are we here, how do we do this better, what is our relationship to god (that one i don't ask myself much anymore), how can be better people...

i think it boils down to being a stay at home mom for just over a year with an active imagination and a strong yearning to engage in the adult world more. that's what i'll chalk it up to.

that and needed medication so my synapses can trap serotonin efficiently. never been very good at that.

i guess we do our best and then when Life kicks you in the gut and you're lying on the ground with the wind knocked out of you, you don't ask "what am i doing?" because really what you need to concentrate on is breathing again. walking again.

you get up and you get your breath back and start to walk, ignoring the pain in your ribs because the alternative is give up. and that's no fun. i've seen how that plays out too. hint: not well.

i suppose there are people who grow old enjoying their lives who don't end up in tragedy or personal disaster. that's a good goal. to live to a ripe, old age without committing seppuku (just learned about that yesterday) or driving everyone who loves me away with bitterness and madness....that's a good goal.

but i'll think more about that tomorrow. today, i'm tired.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

mo

good-bye, my friend.

last night as we were sitting and having a couple of drinks, trying to absorb the loss of our dear mo, my husband said, "Is that a full moon? Yeah, it is. Fuck you, Full Moon, I want my cat back."

i found his toy stuffed dinosaur and burst into tears, the one he brought and put on our bed so he could take a nap next to it. i saw his brother look for him and burst into tears. i realized we will never again sit outside on the terrace having a glass of wine while mo rubs our legs and hands back and forth in pure bliss at having our company outside. during story time with my son he would come and sit, butt to butt with me, back to back, and purr. i read my son stories tonight and no one came, there was no warm, slight pressure on my back, reassuring me.

he was the cutest kitten i've ever seen. and that's saying something. he was the happiest, most joyful animal i've had the pleasure of living with and loving. he adored my husband and would come on our bed and watch him get dressed every morning, waiting for the occasional pet as he walked around our room.

he peed on stuff when we went on vacation. it was maddening. the last time we went away he peed on our dining room table. he wasn't a saint, he was a cat. a cat who liked to have us around.

the night before he died, he sat at my husband's feet on the carpet, all paws tucked under his body, not moving, not looking for anything, just happy to be in his presence.

his brother is glued to my right hip as i type this. he's never lived a single day in his life without his brother. they would wash one another, nap together, play together, chase one another and spend nights outside together. he's so lonely it's heart breaking.

the lottery was $400 million the day after he died. i said to my husband, "i thought, 'would i rather have $400 million or have my cat back? and i realized, i'd rather have mo back'". my husband said, "i thought the same thing. yeah, of course i'd rather have him back."

we've lost two furry friends in the last month. our house is so much quieter, so much emptier. i keep thinking i see them both on the bed, around a corner, waiting for food. it's just one. one, lonely cat who doesn't understand where his buddies went.

the older cat who had been ill, while it was a real loss because he was my feline soul mate, he had lived a long, good life. but mo, he was young and vibrant and just fine right up until my husband walked back in the bedroom and found him dead on the floor.

these little creatures that people dismiss as lesser than humans... let me tell you, i have mourned more losing these two beings than i've mourned some family members' passing. they fill up our hearts and bring us joy and comfort every day.

i just said to my husband, "how am i supposed to cope with the loss of my cherished cats without the very beings that help me cope with loss?!". he replied, "i don't know". well, me neither.

i'm going to climb in bed tonight with my one remaining cat and snuggle and watch tv with a glass of wine. and try not to cry too much.


Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Shod with adamant


my friend, fellow ex-new yorker and roommate woke me by walking in my room, "get up. a plane just flew into the world trade center."
me, groggy, "what? on purpose?" i stumble into her bedroom where the news was on. we had gone swing dancing at windows on the world, lived in new york, started becoming adults in new york.

my brother was due to fly from nyc into san francisco, where i lived, that evening on american airlines. he'd chosen a later flight, thank god.

my mother had died two months previous and i was already in a grief-stricken fog.

i lost a lot in 2001. not as much as some, more than others. it's all tied up in grief, that time. i was losing the last of my girlhood. realizing what it meant to feel alone and afraid and truly heart broken. and what it meant to be strong.

i love you, new york. then and now.

Monday, July 15, 2013

Manifesto, in process

About politics, social issues, logistics- be loud, be strong, be willing to offend & look foolish to get what you want.

With loved ones, be gentle, listen, be kind, be your most generous self. When they act badly, know it comes from a place of pain, insecurity or hurt, and they need your compassion.

With yourself, listen. Above all else, listen. Give yourself the compassion you more easily give to others. Be strict, be fair. Know that you are in charge. No matter what happens, you are the boss of your life. No one else is responsible for your life, your decisions but you, even when things happen that are out of your control. Don't borrow trouble.

On fear, tremble. Pay enough attention to know when to be afraid and when to dismiss foolish thoughts of neuroses. Be afraid, feel the adrenalin and the clarity of fear. Then do what you're afraid of with your limbs shaking. Later you will know how courageous you were.

On dreams. Never give up, try not to get distracted. When you need a break, take one. Then get back to work. Never give up. Never listen to those who tell you all the reasons why your dreams won't work. It's just noise. Focus, take a step towards your dream each day, no matter how small.

On loss. It will consume you. Trust that the great current of nature will once again lift you up to the surface so you can breathe. When you need help, ask for it and know you are never alone.


Saturday, July 13, 2013

quiet moment

yesterday i did a great yoga/stretching workout dvd and at the end i was able to lie on my back, allowing my muscles to relax into the floor and my mind wander.

it was a beautiful moment. i don't have many moments like that and when i have them, they are precious.

i lay there feeling the burn in my muscles and the endorphins course through my body and pictured my chest cavity opening up to the world, the sky, beyond our atmosphere. this thought went through my mind, "i hope death is an orgiastic experience with the universe. i will go back to from where i came and i hope i am reabsorbed into everything."


Wednesday, July 3, 2013

echo

yesterday, as i was reading my son a picture book that we read a lot something exciting happened. he's 10 1/2 months old now. he was really, really tired when i was reading it with him, it was almost bath and bed time. (we have 3 cats, this is important.) i was flipping through the pages identifying what was on each page, "apple, balloon, clock, rabbit, keyhole, hill..."etc. and he was silently, but attentively, flipping the pages. and when we got to the page of a cat he said, "mwarrrahhahaam!" and flipped the page. i think it was his version of "meow". yay! he can tell what representations of real things are! he knows what a cat is!

and just now i was looking at photos of wellfleet, ma on cape cod where i went growing up with my parents. i have very fond memories of wellfleet and would love a summer house there. it's a *little* pricey but i still dream. there was a photo of a beach near where we used to stay, and a photo of the water close up.

and all of a sudden- SO CLEARLY i could see my parents. on the beach. dad getting ready to take the boat out to go fishing. mom reading a book, feet in the sand. i could FEEL them. as though those things are still happening...just happening very, very far away.

clear as a damn bell. i see you, mom and dad. i hear you, i feel you. a part of us is still on that beach. enjoying life together.


Tuesday, June 18, 2013

next

6:30 am wake up, make tea, have cereal, check email
8:30 am take over watching baby, play, make bottle
9 am put baby down for nap, change into work out clothes
9:30 am do work out video, shower, receive delivered groceries
10 am have phone appointment, unpack groceries
11 am wash dishes & bottles, make orzo with pesto for baby
11:30 am baby wakes up, feed him brunch of orzo with pesto. he hates it despite having pesto before and having loved it. hmmm. feed baby strawberries and yogurt instead
12 pm print itinerary & directions for upcoming trip, play with baby, clean up from brunch, pack husband's lunch for next day: guess what? orzo with pesto for him!, put away baby's laundry
1:30 pm put baby down for potential (but doubtful) second nap, get ready to leave for baby/momma meetup and swim time, change clothes
2 pm get non-napping baby up, finish preparing for us to leave
2:20 pm leave for baby/momma meetup and swim time, call husband & friend quickly while walking
2:30pm arrive at baby/momma meetup
3 pm first time in pool with baby! he loves it! kick kick kick!
4:15pm leave baby/momma swim time & go home with very tired baby
4:30 pm feed baby bottle and put him down for second nap (please please), unpack diaper bag and stroller from meetup, do dishes, make another batch of orzo, this time with marinara for dinner, check email, change clothes
6 pm wake up tired baby & feed him dinner
6:45 baby play time while i clean up from dinner (orzo with tomato sauce a hit and orzo EVERYWHERE)
7 pm bath time
7:15 pm bottle and bed time for baby
7:30 pm check texts, email, relax, eat something, do something creative, do dishes, put away food, clean up toys, check laundry
9:30 pm check in with husband who is working late
10 pm write blog entry for the hell of it
10:15 pm read book in bed until i fall asleep

Monday, June 17, 2013

around

i've lived a thousand lifetimes already it feels. perhaps 1,000 is exaggerating. maybe three.

i'm a little lost, mom. and i need your help.

when does faith and perseverance turn into foolishness and self-delusion? are they the same thing until you succeed at something? is it like that saying, just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not after you?

i know what i want, but i don't know how to get there. and i don't know if i'm being stupid trying to fit a round peg in a square hole. as you may remember, i'm a bit strong willed. like someone else i know.

i think i can do these things i want to do, but i'm worried about the cost. the thing i am most angry with dad about is the cost. he was very successful. and what he did to get there (i don't know if it's what he had to do, but it is what he did), wasn't worth the end result. in fact, what he did to get there is what ultimately destroyed him. *cosmic justice is a bitch*

i know i have many choices along the way. i did a good thing- i picked a good partner in life. he's strong, he understands my fight, he supports it. but life is stressful and i see him suffer and i wonder what it's all for.

we could just move to another less-expensive city and both have decent, boring jobs that pay relatively well and live a good life, albeit a life neither of us want. but we could have things. things we don't have now and won't have for a while here, probably. like vacations. rest. help. we could hire help.

you taught me to go big or go home. yes, yes, you did. don't back out on me now. and you put yourself on hold when you had me. because you threw yourself into being my mama, and i'm eternally grateful. i don't want exactly that for myself. i want to be mama bear extraordinaire, but i want other things too. things that i hope my children will admire me for, or at least be impressed by my efforts.

but since i'm stuck in the house with a little being, it's hard to tell what to do. i wait and i clean and i cook and i diet and i work out and i take care of him, the little one whose presence has changed my life for always. he gets teeth i look at them and marvel at how startlingly beautiful they are. they are jagged and oddly spaced and when he smiles they pop out at me as if to say, we are working! this little body you made with yours is working, working hard! just wait! there's more! there's more than you could dream up!

so, this is a worthy task. so what if it takes all my physical energy in a day and most of my patience and all of my sanity? there are these eyes watching me, absorbing it all.

i need a guidebook, a road map- a sign telling me, no matter what you do, DO NOT TURN THERE. because i might just turn there. knowing my sense of direction (ahem), i will.

but maybe there's magic up ahead. and only the foolish and the brave get to experience it. god knows i am both of those. can you call out from where you are? can you smell my hair? i can see your hands, hear your shaky voice as you read to me. maybe you can send me a message. i'll be listening.


Tuesday, May 28, 2013

alternative baking

see? i stayed away for about 3 minutes.

then i had to share this thought/s.

i like alternative baking. some people fall into the if-you-aren't-making-the-real-thing-with-lots-of-butter-and-sugar-then-don't-bake camp. i understand that. but i like to bake with lots of butter and sugar and i like to make alternative stuff like vegan, raw, paleo, low-carb whatevers. because the fact of the matter is, i feel like SHIT after i eat baked goods.

one, i can never stop eating them after a reasonable amount. never. i will obsessively eat cookies, cake, pastry, pie, you-name-it until it's gone and do not get between me and the refrigerator. maybe it's because my mother didn't believe in feeding her little darling sweets, maybe it's because i have the alcoholic gene (yup, you heard me) and the anxiety and depressive genes- if you're predisposed to depression you crave things that provide you with more dopamine in your brain like cigarettes, alcohol, caffeine, chocolate, cocaine...this explained a LOT to me when i found out about this...but i digress- and i want to eat sugar all the time. i don't know. i don't know and it doesn't really matter.

here's what matters - i'm unhappy with my level of fitness and appearance and have been for quite some  time. truly unhappy. i exercise, i eat well, i monitor my calories and fat intake, i've lowered my blood pressure before yadda yadda yadda. BUT. if you put a dessert in front of me a switch flips in my brain and it's all i want.

one cookie? go fuck yourself. i'd rather not eat cookies than limit it to one or two. it hurts.

i eat until i feel a certain satisfying feeling and then i stop. it's always the same. the only way i have ever found to make this not happen is to keep all baked goods out of my home. i can go buy a slice of cake once in a while and eat it as quickly and greedily as i want and then i have no more.

but i love to bake. and other people love me to bake because i'm good at it. herein lies the conundrum.

so i turn to alternative baking and i'm still experimenting with what i like and don't like. i don't think i'll be making raw, vegan cheesecake again, although i'm glad i tried it.

here's the problem i have with alternative baking - don't call it cheesecake. don't call them brownies or truffles. if it doesn't have flour, sugar or butter in it it isn't a fucking brownie. sorry. it's something else. it might be delicious. but it ain't a fucking brownie.

i just saw a recipe for a gluten-free, grain-free, sugar-free, dairy-free, chocolate-free carob tuffle.
THAT IS NOT A CHOCOLATE TRUFFLE.
that's like saying New London, CT is like London, England because they're both called London.
NO.
one might be inspired from the other, but the reality is a far cry from the original.

anyway, i'm digging this grain-free baking thing. i'll let you know how it goes. but i'm not calling it cake without wheat, butter, or sugar. i'll call it something else.

notes on surgery.

1. make sure you make your nurses and doctors like you. i was exceedingly polite and charming (duh) and i think it helps.

2. make sure you get a prescription for heavy duty painkillers afterwards.

3. after surgery, whatever you do, do not ever, ever never ever sneeze. NO SNEEZING.

4. pick an online project and get lost in it because it's gonna be a while.

i had laparoscopic surgery last week and have been off my feet, as they say, since then. my husband is taking care of our son like a champ...i don't like the word champ. like a gladiator. like an adonis. (how does an adonis take care of a baby? i don't know. but i'd imagine pretty damn well.) like a...like a man who is a real man and takes care of a baby really well.

you see, now i have time for blog posts. i have lots and lots of time to post about what i'm doing. and thinking. any little teeny tiny thought skitters across my noggin...i better write that down! share that with the world! that's a keeper!

help me.
my butt hurts from sitting on it. i rotate from chair to a stroll around the apartment to the bed. i take a shower once in a while. i take a nap, i take a rest and compile recipes and photos of summer homes obsessively.

everything is perfectly all right here, ladies and germs. just another neurotic patient healing in the confines of her brooklyn apartment.

i finished watching "Cracker" which is a great show. the last two seasons are actually just an episode each and they are disjointed and strange...there's a huge 8 (?) year gap between the 4th and 5th season. not sure what happened there. some slapdash producing, perhaps?

anyway. i have to download photos off of my phone.

and do all the other things i can never do because i don't have the time.

i made a raw, vegan cheesecake. it's not cheesecake. its nuts. blended with dates and honey and lemon juice. it's tasty, but it ain't cheesecake.

ok! i'm going to sign off from my scintillating reporting. try to live without me. just try.

Monday, May 20, 2013

key lime cake, chocolate chip cookies, quinoa salad & cheddar jalapeno muffins = birthday picnic

i made the cake!
photo below. i added a layer of lime curd instead of frosting and frosting in the other layer.
the lime curd was great. i had extra whipped cream and frosting and an extra cake layer so please note the extra, sloppy cake in the background.
it tasted great.

it was a smashing success. one person told me to become a professional baker, and many others ate this cake even when they were not looking to eat a bunch of sugary stuff.

i served them at a picnic with these chocolate chip cookies from Joy of Cooking. a recipe from the 40s. it is, in my humble opinion, the best chocolate chip cookie out there.

and this quinoa salad which was yuuuuummy. it also got gobbled up.

but the biggest hit overall were these muffins. do not go another week without making these muffins. they were a huge hit.

tada!

it's foggy here in new york which means i'm happy snappy. i love fog and miss it so much. every foggy day here is a good for me.







Friday, May 17, 2013

herman

once, i had a lavender cat who had thumbs named herman.
he was a scaredy-cat from a shelter and my other cat terrorized him. until he wouldn't come out from under the bed. i hope he found a good home. i took him back to the shelter when i was certain there was no hope.

i find the balance between remaining positive enough to be a constructive (ish) person and the draw of acknowledging reality as i see it (grim, dim, salabim) completely exhausting.

i don't like anything too positive - it feels like someone is spitting in my face by denying reality.

but sometimes i hear myself and think, oh JUST SHUT UP! everyone knows how shitty the world is and we're all just trying to GET OUT OF BED WITHOUT THROWING UP.

i already feel a little better. it's this pretending to be thankful and happy and brave and upbeat...it is fucking depleting. i am all of those things sometimes. but certainly not always.

so anyway, now i'm going to go make muffins. these muffins. don't those look yummy? my husband loves cheese. and spicy things. and it's his birthday picnic tomorrow. i'm also making a key lime cake. not pie, cake. i think it will be good.

everything is better with cake. i hope my husband likes it and has fun. our life is challenging these days and we don't get much down time. i'm hoping he sees how much i love him in this cake.

food = love. duh.

i'm really tired. i bet tomorrow i will see rainbows where i now see drizzle. because tomorrow is another day.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

an excellent article.

this is one of the smartest and most well-thought-out thingy's i've read in a long time. and it happens to coincide with my fervent desire to have americans respect our enemies as human beings. i'm not sure why this is so hard for people...so hard for them to understand, but it really upsets me deeply.

this piece articulates it very well.

it gives me a sliver of hope.

Unburied: Tamerlan Tsarnaev and the Lessons of Greek Tragedy


antigone-580.jpg
“Bury this terrorist on U.S. soil and we will unbury him.”
So ran the bitter slogan on one of the signs borne last week by enraged protesters outside the Worcester, Massachusetts, funeral home that had agreed to receive the body of the accused Boston Marathon bomber Tamerlan Tsarnaev—a cadaver seemingly so morally polluted that his own widow would not claim it, that no funeral director would touch it, that no cemetery would bury it. Indeed, even after Peter Stefan, a Worcester funeral director, had washed and shrouded the battered, bullet-ridden body for burial according to Muslim law, the cadaver became the object of a macabre game of civic and political football. Cemetery officials and community leaders in the Boston area were concerned that a local burial would spark civic unrest. (“It is not in the best interest of ‘peace within the city’ to execute a cemetery deed,” the Cambridge city manager, Robert Healy, announced.) While the state’s governor carefully sidestepped the issue, asserting that it was a family matter, other politicians seemed to sense an advantage in catering to the high popular feeling. “If the people of Massachusetts do not want that terrorist to be buried on our soil,” declared Representative Edward J. Markey, a Democratic candidate for the U.S. Senate, “then it should not be.”
And so it went until late last week, when—due to the intervention of Martha Mullen, a Richmond, Virginia, woman who’d been following the story, a practicing Christian who cited Jesus’s injunction to “love our enemies” as her inspiration—Tsarnaev’s body was finally transported to a tiny Muslim cemetery in rural Virginia, and interred there in an unmarked grave. Until then, the corpse had languished for over two weeks—not only unburied but, in a way, unburiable. In one of several updates it published on the grisly affair, the Times quoted Ray Madoff, a Boston law professor who specializes in “what she calls the law of the dead,” about the case. “There is no precedent for this type of thing,” Madoff told a reporter. “It is a legal no-man’s land.”
A legal no-man’s land, perhaps, but familiar territory to anyone even casually acquainted with the Greek classics. From its epic dawn to its tragic high noon, Greek literature expressed tremendous cultural anxiety about what happens when the dead are left unburied. In part, the issue was a religious one: the souls of the dead were thought to be stranded, unable to reach the underworld without proper burial. (And without a proper tomb, or sêma—a “sign” or grave marker—a dead person could not hope for postmortem recognition, some sign that he or she had once lived and died.) The religious prohibition had civic consequences: refusal to bury the dead was considered an affront to the gods and could bring ritual pollution on the community. The right of all sides to bury soldiers who had fallen in battle was a convention of war; burial truces were regularly granted. In myth, even characters who act more like terrorists than like soldiers—for instance, the great warrior Ajax, who plots to assassinate his commanding officers but ends up dead himself—are deemed worthy of burial in the end. Which is to say, even the body of the enemy was sacrosanct.
This preoccupation with the implications of burial and non-burial haunts a number of the greatest works of Greek literature. The opening lines of the Iliad, the oldest extant work of Western poetry, refer with pointed revulsion to the possibility that the bodies of the warriors who died at Troy could become the “delicate pickings of birds and dogs”; indeed you might say that getting the dead buried—even the reviled, enemy dead—is the principle object of the epic’s grand narrative arc. Fifteen thousand lines after that opening reference to unburied corpses, the poem closes, magnificently, with a scene of reconciliation between the grief-maddened Achilles—who has daily defiled the unburied body of his mortal enemy, Hector, dragging it back and forth through the dirt before the walls of Troy—and Hector’s aged father, the Trojan king, Priam. In a gesture of redemption for himself as much as for the Trojans, Achilles finally agrees to release the body for burial. The gigantic epic ends not (as some first-time readers expect) with the Wooden Horse, or the Fall of Troy, but with the all-important funeral of the greatest of the Greeks’ enemies—a rite of burial that allows the Trojans to mourn their prince and, in a way, the audience to find closure after the unrelenting violence that has preceded. The work’s final line is as plain, and as final, as the sound of dirt on the lid of a coffin. “This was the funeral of Hector, tamer of horses.”
As for the Odyssey, it, too—for all its emphasis on its fantastical, proto-sci-fi adventures—reveals a telling preoccupation with this issue. The great adventure epic features an extended visit to the underworld, where, among other things, the flitting shades of the dead express anxiety about their own funerals (and where Odysseus learns how he himself will die, many years hence, “from the sea”); precisely at the poem’s midpoint, Odysseus dutifully halts his homeward journey—and the epic’s narrative momentum—to bury, with full honors, the body of a young sailor who has died in a clumsy accident, as if to say that even the most hapless and pointless of deaths merits the dignity of ritual. And in the work’s final, culminating book, Homer slips in the information, ostensibly en passant but of course crucial, that the bodies of the hated suitors—whose gory deaths we are, to some extent, invited to savor, given their gross outrages against Odysseus and his family—were duly permitted to be retrieved by their families for burial.
* * * 
But no work of ancient literature is as obsessed with unburied bodies as Sophocles’ “Antigone,” a tragedy first produced in Athens around 442 B.C.: the entire plot centers on the controversy over how a community that has survived a deadly attack will dispose of the body of the perpetrator of that attack—the body, as it happens, of a young man who had planned to bring destruction on the city that had been his home, who “sought to consume the city with fire…sought to taste blood.”
The young man in question is Polyneices, a son of the late, spectacularly ill-fated king Oedipus who, after a power struggle with his brother Eteocles, fled the city, eventually returning with an invading army (the “Seven Against Thebes”) to make war on his homeland. At a climactic moment in the battle, the two brothers slay each other, but the invasion is ultimately repelled and the city saved. In the opening lines of the play, we learn that the body of Eteocles, the defender of the city, has been buried with full honors, but, according to a decree promulgated by the new king, Creon (who is the young men’s uncle), no one, under pain of death, may bury or mourn Polyneices, whose corpse is to be left “unwept, unsepulchered, a treasure to feast on for birds looking out for a dainty meal.” (The particular horror, expressed from the Iliad on down, that humans could become the food of the animals we normally eat ourselves is noteworthy: a strong signal of a total inversion in the scheme of things of which the unburied body, the corpse that remains above rather than below ground, is a symptom.)
Creon, like the Senate candidate from Massachusetts, cares a great deal about public opinion, as we later learn; but it’s certainly possible to argue that his edict is grounded in a strong if idiosyncratic morality. When confronted about his rationale for enshrining in the city’s law what is, after all, a religious abomination, the king declares that Polyneices’ crime against the city has put the young man beyond morality—that while burial of any dead is a religious obligation, it is impossible to imagine that “the gods have care for this corpse,” that one might ever see “the gods honoring the wicked.” As he sputters his final line in this debate, you sense that he is acting out of a genuine, if narrow, conviction that evil men do not merit human treatment: “It cannot be.” (“It should not be”: so Representative Markey, apropos of the burial that offended the sensibilities of Massachusetts voters.)
But just as strong as Creon’s convictions are those of his niece Antigone, sister to both of the dead young men—Eteocles enshrined in his hero’s tomb, Polyneices lying naked on the ground, his nude, weapon-torn body exposed to the elements, to the ravenous birds. From the moment she appears on stage, outraged after having heard about the new edict, Antigone’s argument is for the absolute imperative of burial—indeed, for the absolute. For her, burial of the dead is a universal institution that transcends culture and even time itself: the “unwavering, unwritten customs of the gods … not some trifle of now or yesterday, but for all eternity.” (She mockingly asks whether these can be overruled by the mere “pronouncements” of Creon.) This conviction is what leads her to perform the galvanizing action of the play: under cover of night she goes to the desolate place where Polyneices’ body lies out in the open and performs a token burial, scattering some dirt on the body.
It is to this symbolic burial that a terrified soldier—one of the guards whom Creon had set around the body, to make sure no one would inter it—presumably refers later on, when he anxiously reports to Creon that someone has performed the rite. Enraged, Creon orders the man to go back and “unbury” the body: to strip off the thin covering of dirt and expose the corpse once more to the elements. It is upon his return to the foul-smelling site that the soldier discovers Antigone, who at that moment is arriving, and who cries out in despair when she sees the denuded corpse. She is taken prisoner, has her great confrontation with her uncle (from which I quote above), and, in one of the diabolically symmetrical punishments so beloved of Greek tragedians, is herself buried alive as punishment for her crime of burying the dead—walled into a tomb of rock, to expire there. (By not actually killing her, Creon, who has the master bureaucrat’s deep feeling for the small procedural detail, hopes to avoid incurring ritual pollution.)
There she does die—imperious to the end, she hangs herself, rather than waste away as anybody’s victim—but not before Creon has been persuaded of the folly of his policy. As often happens in tragedy, the persuasion takes its final form as a heap of dead bodies: not only Antigone’s but those of Creon’s son, the dead girl’s fiancé, who has slain himself over the body of his beloved, and Creon’s wife, too, who kills herself in despair at the news of their child’s violent end. The king who had refused to recognize the claims of family is, in the end, made horribly aware of how important family is.
“The claims of family” is just one way to describe what Antigone represents. The titanic battle between her and Creon is, in fact, one of the most thrilling moral, intellectual, and philosophical confrontations ever dramatized; inevitably, it has been seen as representing any number of cultural conflicts. Certainly in the play there is the tension between the family and the community, but there is also that between the individual and the state, between religious and secular worldviews, between divine and human law, feminine and masculine concerns, the domestic and political realms.
But perhaps a broader rubric is applicable, too. For you could say that what preoccupies Antigone, who as we know is attracted to universals, is simply another “absolute”: the absolute personhood of the dead man, stripped of all labels, all categories—at least those imposed by temporal concerns, by politics and war. For her, the defeated and disgraced Polyneices, naked and unburied, is just as much her brother as the triumphant and heroic Eteocles, splendidly entombed. In the end, what entitles him to burial has nothing to do with what side he was on—and it’s worth emphasizing the play is not at all shy about enumerating the horrors the dead man intended to perpetrate on the city, his own city, the pillage, the burning, the killing, the enslavement of the survivors—but the fact that he was a human being, anthropos. (This tragedy is, indeed, famous for expressing a kind of astonished wonder at what human beings are capable of, accomplishments for which Sophocles uses the ambiguous adjective “deina,” which means both “terrible” and “wonderful”—“awesome,” maybe, in the original sense of that word.) This is why, during her great debate with Creon, while the king keeps recurring to the same point—that Eteocles was the champion of the city, and Polyneices its foe, and that “a foe is never a friend”—such distinctions are moot for Antigone, since the gods themselves do not make them. “Nonetheless,” she finally declares, putting a curt end to another exchange on the subject, “Hades requires these rites.” The only salient distinction is the one that divides gods from men—which, if true, makes all humans equal.
* * * 
It was hard not to think of all this—of the Iliad with its grand funereal finale, of the Odyssey strangely pivoting around so many burials, and of course of “Antigone”—as I followed the story of Tamerlan Tsarnaev’s unburied body over the past few weeks. I thought, of course, of canny politicians eyeing the public mood, and of the public to whom those politicians wanted to pander. I thought even more of the protesters who, understandably to be sure, wanted to make clear the distinction between victim and perpetrator, between friend and foe, by threatening to strip from the enemy what they saw as the prerogatives of the friend: humane treatment in death. The protesters who wanted, like Creon, not only to deny those prerogatives to an enemy but to strip them away again should anyone else grant them—to “unbury the body.” I thought of Martha Mullen, a Christian, who insisted that the Muslim Tsarnaev, accused of heinous atrocities against innocent citizens, be buried just as a loved one might deserve to be buried, because she honored the religious precept that demands that we see all humans as “brothers,” whatever the evil they have done.
This final point is worth lingering over just now. The last of the many articles I’ve read about the strange odyssey of Tsarnaev’s body was about the reactions of the residents of the small Virginia town where it was, finally, buried. “What do you do when a monster is buried just down the street?” the subhead asked. The sensationalist diction, the word “monster,” I realized, is the problem—and brings you to the deep meaning of Martha Mullen’s gesture, and of Antigone’s argument, too. There is, in the end, a great ethical wisdom in insisting that the criminal dead, that your bitterest enemy, be buried, too; for in doing so, you are insisting that the criminal, however heinous, is precisely not a “monster.” Whatever else is true of the terrible crime that Tamerlan Tsarnaev is accused of having perpetrated, it was, all too clearly, the product of an entirely human psyche, horribly motivated by beliefs and passions that are very human indeed—deina in the worst possible sense. To call him a monster is to treat this enemy’s mind precisely the way some would treat his unburied body—which is to say, to put it beyond the reach of human consideration (and therefore, paradoxically, to refuse to confront his “monstrosity” at all).
This is the point that obsessed Sophocles’ Antigone: that to not bury her brother, to not treat the war criminal like a human being, would ultimately have been to forfeit her own humanity. This is why it was worth dying for.
* * * 
Sometimes, a less elevated instinct, a raw practicality, could lead the characters in Greek plays to a version of the same conclusion: that because we will all want to be treated like human beings at some unimaginably low moment—because we all die—we must treat the “monsters” thus, too. This, too, is a possibility worth considering right now.
It is, in fact, the point of the tart ending of another play by Sophocles—one he wrote about Ajax, the good soldier turned evil terrorist. At the end of this tragedy, written not long before “Antigone” was composed, a conflict arises over whether the body of the criminal should be buried. His enemies—Agamemnon and Menelaus, the leaders of the Greek expedition, whom Ajax had plotted to murder—insist, of course, that his body be cast forth unburied, like the body of an animal, “food for the birds.” (Again.) Yet unexpectedly, there springs to his defense a man who also had been his enemy. That man is Odysseus, who in a climactic confrontation with the two Greek generals—who are his allies and commanding officers—persuades them that to pursue their hatred after death would be grotesque. Rather typically for this type, the swaggering Agamemnon worries that to relent would make him appear “soft”; but Odysseus, wily as he always is, argues that “softness” is nothing more than justice—nothing more than acting like a human being. Then he makes his final, stark point, one with which, you suspect, even Creon wouldn’t argue:
AGAMEMNON: You will make us appear cowards this day.
ODYSSEUS: Not so, but just men in the sight of all the Greeks.
AGAMEMNON: So you would have me allow the burying of the dead?
ODYSSEUS: Yes; for I too shall come to that need.
Or, as Antigone put it, “I owe a longer allegiance to the dead than to the living, for in that world I shall abide forever.”
Daniel Mendelsohn is the author, most recently, of “Waiting for the Barbarians: Essays from the Classics to Pop Culture,” a collection of his essays for The New Yorker and The New York Review of Books, which was a finalist for the 2012 National Book Critics Circle Award. His other books include two memoirs, “The Lost” and “The Elusive Embrace”; a translation of the complete works of C. P. Cavafy; and a study of Greek tragedy. He teaches at Bard College.
Painting by Nikiforos Lytras, Antigone in front of the dead Polynices (1865), National Gallery of Greece-Alexandros Soutzos Museum.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Mom

Me: Do up your seatbelt.
Her: We're only going a few blocks.
Me: Accidents happen closest to home.
Her: Well, we better move! (laughter)
Me: (eye roll)

Me: Rich people don't have any problems.
Her: You don't know that. All people have problems, rich and poor. You don't know those people or what their lives have been like - don't judge them.

She taught me that to be a perfect houseguest you should leave the place looking just a little nicer than how you found it. It is a lesson I try to apply to all areas of my life.

When I was nervous about how to talk to people I didn't know she gave me this advice:
When you don't know what to talk about, ask them a question about themselves. People love to talk about themselves and before long I'll bet you find you have something in common.

She taught me not to be afraid to ask questions, look stupid. It's how you learn.

Her: You should do one thing every day that you're afraid of.

When I was in college I went to the school where she taught learning disabled third graders to meet her class. I stood next to her slight 5'8" frame (I'm 6'2") and she beamed up at me and said to her class, This is my baby girl.
I still am.

She never gave up. Not ever. Not even when she should have.

After remembering many things my mind always goes to when she was dying and some of the things that happened, things that we both said or didn't say. I try not to focus on those. They are horribly painful memories and too layered and complicated for me to sort out. I try to remember the lessons about life, not death.

Here's what I remember most about you, Mom: You were my greatest ally, my strongest supporter, my toughest critic. You taught me what unconditional love is. You showed me. Every day for 27 years and 4 days. I miss you and I love you. Always.


Saturday, May 11, 2013

quinoa pancakes & a hangover, in my opinion

i was a party girl before i was a mom.

last night i ventured out to columbia university campus to congratulate a good friend of mine who just finished classes in her grad program for writing there. i hung out with a bunch of writers and poets and drank wine with her and her family. it was awesome.

but oops- i forgot to eat much yesterday and stayed out until 2:30am. i felt like i was 30 again. (see? some people would say 25 or even 20...not me. 30.) i even shared a cigarette with friends. it was like sex. it was incredible. and i do NOT miss smoking. blech.

i got to see my friend and her family and her writer friends and another friend who lives in south korea and i haven't seen in a few years. it was just a great night. a warm night in nyc full of energy and smart (young) people.

i feel like shheeeeeeeeeiiit today. my husband had to work so i took care of my son and if i may say so, i did a fantastic job given how crappy i feel.

part of the fantastic part was making quinoa pancakes. it seemed like a great idea. and they turned out well.

make some quinoa, and follow this recipe. couldn't be simpler. i used agave syrup instead of maple or sugar (lower on glycemic index), omitted the ground flax seed because i don't have any, and added one very ripe, mashed banana. they are so yummy my son gobbled them up as did i! i will make more and freeze them. no need to serve them with syrup, in my opinion.

i said, in my opinion.

Quinoa Pancakes

by Rachel Gurk on March 11, 2011 · 19 comments
I’m a big breakfast person. Well, I am now that I am a stay at home mom. I usually have two eggs, toast, fruit, juice and coffee. I’ll probably switch to egg whites (or at least 1 of each) when I’m done nursing and have to watch my calories more closely. Sometimes I’ll have oatmeal with ground flax, dried cranberries, fresh or frozen blueberries and toasted walnuts. So yummy. Lately I’ve been on an egg kick though. It is important for me to eat a big breakfast because sometimes I don’t get a chance to eat lunch until about 3pm. So when I came across this recipe, I tore it out because I knew it would be a good way to add protein to my breakfast. Also, it came with freezing instructions, helpful for hubby to grab as he is running out the door in the morning. My mom came to visit and made a version of these, and they were really good! I stuck a little closer to the recipe than she did. 
Quinoa Pancakes
adapted from Everyday Food magazine
1 cup cooked quinoa or brown rice (I used quinoa)
3/4 cup all-purpose flour
2 tsp baking powder
1 large egg, plus 1 large egg white (I used the pourable variety of egg whites)
1/2 tsp course salt
1 Tbsp  unsalted butter, melted, plus more for skillet
1/4 cup low fat milk (I used skim)
2 Tbsp pure maple syrup (I think my mom used white sugar but I gotta say the maple syrup is really tasty in this recipe)
2 Tbsp ground flax seed (optional, this wasn’t in the original recipe–I added it)
1) In medium bowl, whisk together quinoa, flour, baking powder, and salt. In another medium bowl, whisk together egg, egg white, butter, milk, and syrup until smooth. Add egg mixture to flour mixture and whisk to combine.
2) Lightly coat a large nonstick skillet or griddle with butter and heat over medium-high (I did medium). Drop by heaping tablespoonfuls (I used a 1/4 cup measuring cup) into skillet. Cook until bubbles appear on top, 2 minutes. Flip cakes and cook until golden brown on underside, 2 minutes. Wipe skillet clean and repeat with more melted butter and remaining batter (I skipped the wiping and skipped adding more butter–I was using a nonstick skillet. I’m sure the butter would have made it taste better, but it wasn’t necessary with the type of pan I was using). Serve with maple syrup and fresh fruit or preserves if desired. Makes about 12. (I doubled the entire recipe because I wanted to freeze some).
Freezing directions: Freeze cakes between sheets of waxed paper in sip-top bags, up to 1 month. Reheat in toaster.
Verdict: These are really, really good. They are different from your typical pancake because there is a little bit of a crunch from the quinoa. The pure maple syrup gives the pancakes a really nice flavor. I wasn’t sure how reheating them in the toaster would go, I was thinking that maybe the microwave would be better. However, I heated three of these in my toaster oven this morning, and wow! It was like they were fresh off the skillet because they were crispy on the outside and soft on the inside. Delicious.
Husband’s take: He used the toaster oven for these and he really liked them. However, he just told me “I prefer IHOP with chocolate chips and strawberries and whipped cream.” That’s my healthy hubby! No really, he is a bit of a health nut. When he wants to be. Aren’t we all?
Changes I would make: Next time I make these I’m going to try them with whole wheat flour, or maybe half whole wheat and half all purpose.
Difficulty: Easy. Just make sure you remember to make the quinoa in advance.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

a list of the best things in the universe.

hyperbole & a half's depression part 2.
this is a scarily accurate description of how i have felt (somewhere on this spectrum with a HEAVY accent on the HATE face sequence) for about 97% of my life.



and, of course, there's the God of Cake entry which is not to be overlooked. cake being one of my obsessions, i am a big fan of her interpretation of cake-vision.


i will update more to this list later. first i have to work out to release endorphins so i avoid massive depression. and no, i'm not joking.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

who would kill a monk seal?

this article in today's Times is riveting.

this is a perfect example of human complication. how science, culture, human emotion and accident all play into making this world of ours. incredible.

shakshuka with feta

as usual, i was perusing the Times Dining & Wine section and found this recipe for shakshuka. i'd never heard of it and it sounded simple and delicious. it was! i followed the recipe exactly and it turned out very well. oh, except i baked the eggs for about 15 mins because they jiggled too much at 7 and 10 minutes for my taste. then i burned my hand on the pan when i took it out of the oven. don't do that.

we ate it with truffle mushroom ravioli which was a little too heavy, next time i'll pair it with a vegetable or salad and it'll be perfect. this is a great recipe for brunch if you want impress people and have an easy time cooking.

Friday, May 3, 2013

celery potato soup & chocolate caramel tart

today we are eating healthily and need some comfort. so when i saw this recipe in the Times for celery potato soup with leeks and garlic i thought, that would be perfect. and it is. very easy to make, very delicious to eat.

i didn't bother with the bouquet garni, but threw in fresh thyme from our garden on the stem. i blended it with a hand immersion blender, didn't strain a thing, added some kosher salt, walnut oil and chives, also from our garden, and it was perfecto.

i bought a pre-made crust from the store and tried my hand for the first time at making caramel, which is surprisingly easy, as long as you know what you're doing a bit. this chocolate caramel tart from Saveur looks amazing. a friend once got a mini version for a dessert with sea salt on top and i could barely stop licking my fingers after eating it. the caramel in the pre-made crust is cooling overnight in the fridge. i will make the ganache in the morning, chill it again, add sea salt and serve it when friends come over tomorrow night. recipes this simple make me happy.

you do not need a candy thermometer to make caramel. it should boil for approx. 20-25 mins and turn the color of a copper penny but do not boil it so long it starts to smoke. (which mine totally did right before we whisked it off the heat.) that means it's burning and burnt caramel is no good, apparently. i tasted ours and it's fucking delicious so i'm not worried.

i'm really looking forward to tasting the completed tart and looking like a baking wizard.

that's right...WIZARD.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

3 things you can do to help your life and health

1. cook!

According to Michael Pollan, the author of The Omnivore's Dilemma and In Defense of Food, the number one thing you can do to change the food system in the US and to help you and your family eat better is to cook! He has a new book out called, Cooked: A Natural History of Transformation.

Well, we already cook all the time. It's hard to keep getting inspired, but I think this is one of the best things the internet can be used for. I just made this dish with artichokes, peas, and orzo over the weekend and it was delicious. It was too time intensive for my current schedule with a baby, but the end result was delicious and it fed over 6 people for a picnic, along with a sundry of other items we had.

I also can't rave enough about this garlicky broccoli recipe from the Times as well. I make it at least once a week and because of it, my husband and I eat a lot more broccoli. It's super easy to make and is just incredibly yummy.

2. stop using plastic bottles for water!

they cost too much and are a huge detriment to the planet. buy a reusable bottle and fill it up at the tap. tap water also has fluoride in it which will help prevent cavities for you and your children- not true of filtered and bottled water! Eating Well magazine suggests this Takeya bottle is a good one. I also use Camelbak bottles which are light and easy to use and BPA free.

3. grow your own herbs and food.

we grow our own herbs and some food each year. depending on where you live (climate, i mean), you can grow a bunch of different stuff. you don't need a lot of room, but you do need sun. and water. we have a patio and this year i've already planted our herbs. we will scale back the food we grow because i have a young child and don't have much time to dedicate to watering, but i'm still looking forward to fresh herbs all summer long. plus, i will freeze them so we have fresh herbs until the following spring as well. this way you know there are no harmful chemicals on your food and once established, your garden will save you some money on expensive things like fresh herbs.

my favorite things to grow are low maintenance, high-yield like tomatoes, especially cherry tomatoes, herbs, hot peppers (thai), zucchini, lettuces. this year we are doing herbs and maybe one tomato plant and that's it. we also have a fig tree and two blueberry bushes that i hope will produce a lot of berries this year!

yay, spring!

Saturday, April 27, 2013

sweetness

sometimes life is so perfect, for a moment or a few, that it pierces my heart. it is so dear to me- all my loved ones, the smell of just cut grass, dawn breaking on a spring day when all is quiet and peaceful, the birds chirping with promise and joy, the sun on the ocean of a lazy afternoon, the sound of crickets on a summer night, burning leaves in fall, a ripe strawberry, the memory of watching planes land with my father and brothers, my grandmother's lipstick on a teacup, holding my husbands hand as we walk through new york, catching lightning bugs as a child, the memory of my mother's hands and voice, the end of a cocktail party with my parents when we were satisfied and tired, laughing with my dearest friends...so much laughter, christmas morning with my mother, someone else's music floating in through my windows on a breeze, the caw of a crow in the distance...the mere thought of my son. my beautiful, beautiful son.

i feel its dearness and fragility and endless beauty and in the same moment i know i will say good-bye to it one day. it is both Right and heart-breaking.

i love so deeply, i am loved so well. at the end of all of it, that's all that matters. that's all of it.

just float, float with the fish.


Thursday, April 25, 2013

Vivian Maier

A woman is born in NYC, grows up in France, returns to the States and works as a nanny for about 40 years. While she is working as a nanny, she also take photographs. Thousands and thousands of photographs. And never shows them to anyone.

Finding Vivian Maier

Her photos are incredible. And I love how private she was. Especially in our celebrity culture now, to have someone who was so passionate about her work, so talented and persistent, and yet avoided the public eye...it's very moving to me.

To make art for the act of making it alone - I have a lot of respect for that.

I can't wait to see the documentary.

Article on Maier.

Coffee table book of her photographs.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

The Artichoke

i tend not to capitalize my typed words because a) i like the appearance of lower case letters better; and b) one of my shift keys is broken. but i will capitalize The Artichoke because it's one of my favorite foods.

so when i saw THIS in today's NY Times (again, respect), i thought, well, i'll pay homage to one of my all time favorite foods. the smell of a steaming Artichoke in my home continues to be one of the most comforting olfactory experiences in my life. the taste of the leaves and heart (it has a heart!) with melted butter, mayo, or a vinaigrette is so delicious i often have to do it in silence to bask in the joy.

my mother told me that her mother would serve artichokes when one of her children would bring home a date to see if they were sophisticated enough to know how to properly eat one. i hadn't realized, until then, that it was used as a weapon in class warfare. thanks, granny! 

now that spring is here, i see some of the tasty treats in our near future. i may even make 4 for me and my husband so i can really luxuriate in its wonder.

two great articles on parenting

i read a lot of articles on parenting written by women these days. i miss my mom and wonder what advice she would give me now in my life. i think this article by Elsa Walsh might be close to some things she would tell me.

this was a particularly useful quote for me:
"Learn how to manage conflict, because the greater the level you can tolerate, the more freedom you will retain. Making compromises is a healthy approach to living.
For a woman to say she is searching for a “good enough” life is not failure — it is maturity and self-knowledge."

i don't have a career at the moment, but i'd like one someday. and so i try to take notes from those who have already forged that path and have a family.

this is another good one on the values we have as American parents. the things we don't realize we value and therefore emphasize when parenting our children.

it basically says we, as Americans, value intelligence over other qualities and therefore try to provide intellect-growing stimulus for our kids all the time. i do find myself thinking this way sometimes, although i also really value a person's ability to interact socially with ease and grace as well, so i'm sure i'll emphasize that with my son (something the Italians value a lot which makes sense to me).

"Every society interprets its children in its own way: The Dutch, for example, liked to talk about long attention spans and “regularity,” or routine and rest. (In the Dutch mind, asking lots of questions is a negative attribute: It means the child is too dependent.) The Spanish talked about character and sociality, the Swedes about security and happiness. And the Americans talked a lot about intelligence. Intelligence is Americans’ answer. In various studies, American parents are always seen trying to make the most of every moment—to give their children a developmental boost. From deep inside the belly of American parenthood, this is so obvious it isn’t even an observation. It is only by looking at other societies that you can see just how anomalous such a focus is."

good food for thought!

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

best laid plans.

probably one of the most difficult parts of parenting a very little one is managing my expectations of what *should* be happening vs what is happening.

these darn babies, they have a will of their own, their own needs, desires, and ideas of what should happen at any given moment.

it's been a good, albeit frustrating, lesson on patience and ... i want to say fortitude. stay the path, take a deep breath, take twenty. don't freak out because there's cat shit on the floor for the third time today (old, aging cat = disgusting things you'd never thought you'd live with) and my son is screaming because he's hungry and had shots at the dr today and i'm also hungry and all the bottles are dirty and the washing machine is broken and i have three important phone calls that i've been trying to make during business hours for the past two weeks and he has no clean clothes and i had to dig pajamas out of the dirty hamper last night.

take a breath. take five.

after he has his bottle and burps and spits up on me and i calm him from squirming because he's impatient and TIRED of being held still and vertical in a vain attempt to minimize spit ups, he turns to me and breaks out into a huge, heart breaking smile. hello, dimple. hello new reason for living.

back to crying, squirming, cat is meowing for food, he spits up, rag falls to floor, phone is ringing...

it never stops. well, maybe for a few minutes but by that time i'm so fried i just sit in a chair and stare at the wall or tv or internet. a video of someone juggling socks? great. don't care, as long as it isn't taxing.

but the thing is i've grown really good at being like, well, shit, that didn't work. try again. or try it this way. try later. make a note. ask for help.

i have an old address on my driver's license. yes, i've lived in my apt for 2 1/2 years. i went to the DMV like a million years ago when we first moved in to update my address and they got it wrong so my new license never came and then i got pregnant and had a baby and there you go. now i want to take books out of the library and i need a current and correct license with which to do this.

fine. i go to the DMV website. find the online application to sign up for an online DMV account which is what i need to do in order to fill out the online form in order to update my address on file in order to fill out the form to update my license.
i enter all the information. i get a "this does not match our records on file" message from their website. so it looks like i will be sitting on hold with an earphone in my ear while i play with my son sometime soon.

take a breath.

i called a financial fund i have earlier today to ask a few questions. i want to transfer something, how do i do that? you fill out a form. (see a theme?) i go to the website. the form i need is not available on their website. i'll have to call back again during business hours.

sigh.

now 40 minutes of my unbelievably precious 90-120 minutes of "me" time has vanished and i still need to wash bottles, make dinner and clean and RELAX before tomorrow at 6:30 is here again.

off to make food! don't know what i'll make. i'll have to see what jumps out at me when i open the fridge.


Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Best baby books 0-2 years

I have spent a long time thinking about and experimenting with, as a nanny and a parent, which books are the most liked, most exciting, well-written and illustrated baby books for little ones. These are my favorites.
*This list is always under revision. Please feel free to suggest more!

ABC: A Child's First Alphabet Book by, Alison Jay - I also have 123 and Picture This. Her books are beautiful, imaginative and fun. My son loves these more than other board book we have. I'm not sure why it's hard to find them now.

A Sick Day for Amos McGee - probably my favorite children's book right now. About a gentle man who works at a zoo and makes friends with the animals. When he gets sick, they take turns caring for him. Very sweet and the illustrations are incredible.

Along a Long Road - this book is all about the incredible illustrations as a man takes a long bicycle ride through different terrain. It's a minimal story but the pictures are so good. Best for 2 years and up.

Baby's Numbers - Karen Katz - simple pictures for babies learning to count.

Baby Talk - of all the babies faces books (which they love), this one seems to captivate them the most. It has colored flaps that lift up and sideways which makes it more interactive.

Barnyard Dance - Sandra Boynton - a fun, energetic, rhyming book about dancing!

Beautiful Oops! - a great story about how a mistake leads to unexpected treasures. Encouraging and very texturally engaging. A great lesson for art and life.

Brown Bear

Bear Snores On - has a nice story about a bear sleeping through a little party in his lair.  You can use silly voices. Part of a series.

Blue Hat, Green Hat - this book is simple and funny. A turkey does something silly on each page. As they get older they will appreciate the humor.

Blueberries for Sal - one of my favorites as a kid. A story about a boy who goes blueberry picking with his mom...and wanders off only to run into another young thing away from its mother. Sweet and touching.

Cat at Night - probably best for 2 years +, but wonderful illustrations about a cat's adventures at night and how they see differently than we do in the dark. A great book that will be read a lot in our house in years to come.

charley harper's abcs

charley harper's 123

Corduroy - one of my favorites as a child, Corduroy is the story of a bear in a department store who desperately wants to find a home...and one day a little girl spots him...

Do Crocs Kiss? - a large, colorful, simple lift-the-flap book about what sounds animals make. Very entertaining for babies with the flaps and big animal faces and sounds you can make. See also: Do Cows Meow?

Do Mice Eat Rice? - a wonderful, rhyming story about eating different foods. It asks if different animals would eat different foods. It's a pleasure to hear and the illustrations are huge and funny and great.

The Dot - A touching story about a little girl who thinks she can't draw until her teacher encourages her to "make a mark and see where it takes you". It has a message that with a little support, you can achieve more than you ever thought. Made me tear up.

Dwell Studio: What's Inside? Neighborhood - once baby is old enough, there's a lot to look at and name in this book.

Eating the Alphabet - I'm really into watercolor illustrations...and food. So I love this book. I tried it out on my son a few months ago and he wasn't blown away by it. But I'll bet some babies would be.

Finn Throws A Fit - we just got this book as a gift, and it's hilarious and has the BEST illustrations! It's all about a little toddler who has a bad day, throws an enormous fit, and then can't remember what he was upset about. Great for kids and adults to read.

First Words - picture book with lots to look at.

Freight Train - a small board book with great illustrations and a simple story about trains. The kids learn colors as they read. A classic.

The Gift of Nothing - this isn't just a charming kids book, this is a touching, sweet look at love and how to care for someone. It's a great book all around.

Goodnight Moon - what's to say? The perfect good night book.

The Goodnight Train - this book is a simple ride on a train where everyone is getting ready to sleep and saying goodnight. The pace and rhyming lull you into a sleepy state.

Harold and the Purple Crayon

I Am a Bunny - retro Scarry illustrations and talks about seasons. Just a sweet little bunny enjoying the seasons.

Iggy Peck Architect - best for those around 2 years +. This is a hilarious story about a precocious young boy, Ignatius, who begins building things at a very young age despite being discouraged and it comes in handy one day in a crisis. Very clever and one of my personal favorites.

I Like Toys - concentrates on shapes.

Indestructibles books-** great for teething and chewers, watercolor illustrations and no words.

Jamberry - a lovely, rhyming book about a bear and boy finding berries for jam. Simple and pleasing with bright, colorful pictures.

Knuffle Bunny - set in Brooklyn and a great story with awesome photos and illustrations.

The Little Mouse, The Red Ripe Strawberry, and The Big, Hungry Bear - large book with great illustrations about a mouse who wants to hide a strawberry from an unseen bear.

Llama Llama Red Pajama - rhyming, funny story that teaches baby why Mama/Papa may not always be available.

Miss Rumphius - this book is a great treasure. Best for kids a couple of years older than 2...but I'm marking it anyway because it's such a beautiful story.

My Friend Rabbit - a very simple story about friends and getting into trouble; great illustrations.

The Napping House - like The House in the Night, this book is a rhythmic story about a house in which everyone is napping. It's a silly story about what happens when too many creatures nap on top of one another.

Now I Am Big - a retro styled board book with simple colors and illustrations, this is an 8-page book about how a boy used to be little but now he can do different things. My son really enjoys it. There is also one about a girl called I Can Do It Myself.

Olivia - the Olivia series is awesome. This is the first book of the series and it introduces Olivia, the sassy, energetic, non-conformist little pig who wins over your heart.

One Gorilla - the pictures in this book are amazing! And if your child likes monkeys, this is the one to get.

Otis - a wonderful story about a tractor and friendship. I love this story and can't wait until my son is old enough to listen to it.

Owl Moon - a beautiful, quiet story about a boy and his father going out in the snow to listen for owls. Probably best for 2 years +.

Peek-a-Who?- a small board book with holes in the pages so you can play peek-a-boo while reading. It's a very simple story good for young babies.

Planting A Rainbow - this might be best for 2 years + but the watercolor illustrations are amazing and it's about gardening and growing food. I'll be getting this for my son once he can understand what it's about since we garden and grow food ourselves!

Richard Scarry's Cars and Trucks and Things That Go - the ultimate in vehicle silliness.

Runaway Bunny - Margaret Wise Brown - this one i'm nostalgic for because it was a special one for me and my mother. It's about a little bunny who wants to make sure Mama would find him and love him no matter what shape he takes or where he goes.

Splish Splash- has texture on each page. It's simple but I like it.

Spring Is Here - a simple, beautiful story on seasons and nature. This is my personal favorite by Taro Gomi, whose books I love. I also really like My Friends/Mis Amigos, Mommy Mommy!, and Peekaboo.

Stone Soup - originally published in 1947 this is a story about a group of soldiers who outwit a village with their cunning. It's probably best for kids 2+, but it is one of my favorites.

Ten Little Ladybugs - a rhyming, counting down of ladybugs with 3D ladybugs to touch on each page, this book is very pleasing for kids learning to understand words. I think it may be out of print now but could probably be found at the library.

The House in the Night - a beautiful black and white illustrated book that, as a friend described, is like a poem. It's rhythmic and soothing. My son is not quite there yet at 11+ months, he still needs a faster page turning time. But i LOVE this book and I'm sure he will too as he gets older. Now that I know about this book, I will always give it as a shower gift. Beautiful.

The Very Hungry Caterpillar

There's No Such Thing As A Dragon - this was one of my favorite books as a kid. Great illustrations and I loved the idea that grown ups didn't believe the boy when it was obvious they were wrong. WRONG!

Time for Bed - a soothing bedtime story with great, magical illustrations. My son doesn't like it yet, but I think he will as he gets older and has more of a grasp on language.

Trains - a small board book good for young babies, this is a simple explanation and illustrations of what trains are, do and how they work.

Trains Go - great watercolor illustrations! A large board book. My son LOVES this book. You make the sounds that different trains make. See also: Trucks Go & Diggers Go.

What Does Baby See?

Where Is Baby's Belly Button? - Karen Katz

Where The Wild Things Are - Maurice Sendak - a treasure and a classic.

Wherever You Are: My Love Will Find You - good luck not crying while reading this to your child/ren.

Who's In The Farmyard? - a board book with holes and lots of sounds to make. my son loves this book, we keep renewing it from the library.

And last but not least here's a link to a list of the top best books to give someone at a baby shower which has most of the above books and many more great ones.