red hook & a jellyfish

i've decided that i want to take more time to appreciate the little things in life. so i'll try writing them down here.

as we were leaving my parents' house yesterday i took a photo of the most beautiful hibiscus i've ever seen. isn't it gorgeous?! it made me want to grow them stat. i also love pale pink flowers with red streaks…there's something very evocative about that combination to me.

we had the rental car for a couple more days free of charge so i decided we'd go to red hook this morning. we hit the worst traffic on the way there- the damn draw bridge was up under the BQE - and i did the side roads thing along with about 3,000 other brilliant new yorkers and we finally made it.

we walked the red hook pier and lil p had the best time yelling and pointing out each helicopter, boat, and airplane we saw. then he watched the water crash onto the rocky little beach and screamed, "WAVES!" at each one happily. we saw a jellyfish. all in all, a huge success.

it would be nice to have a car so we could visit other neighborhoods easily but maybe someday! we had one today and it was great.

this afternoon we get to go celebrate a baby friend's birthday and i'm feeling very lucky for that.

already today has presented us with little gifts and i'm thankful.

fluidity

today was the day i left my parents house wondering if it would be for the last time or if i would visit again before it's no longer ours. i'm not looking for pity. it didn't hurt. should it have?
if you say good-bye long enough it begins to be another sentence. it begins to sound more like hello to something else. maybe that's what life is - moving through things and not stopping too long at any one station.
that was one of my homes. but i'm sitting in a more recent home. there were others before, and will be more. 
tonight when my husband, son, and i walked through the door to our apartment i said cheerfully to lil P: "look! we're home!"

little things

the wonderful thing about being a stay-at-home-mom who rarely leaves her neighborhood and is often home is that little things take on great meaning.

it's summer now in new york and i'm so grateful for my little life here. i loathe humidity and so summer is often a time i moan and groan a lot, but after this long, depressing winter with a 1.5 year old boy bouncing off the walls in my apartment, i'm much more inclined to enjoy the warm, soft air.

today, i'm grateful for my garden. it brings me a lot of joy. i've had a few iterations of it in the past four years we've lived here at our little castle in the sky and i feel like i've finally found a good balance of plants that complement one another and provide different functions. some plants are just beautiful and enjoyable to watch bloom like my lavender, rose bush, peony, japanese maple, and bamboo. other plants provide us with food and a little bit of a harvest- our herbs, tomatoes, fig tree, and new raspberry bush (see "raspberry shortcake"). we have fresh herbs all winter long thanks to our garden which is a real treat.
and lastly, there are plants that serve the dual function. those are pretty much our blueberry bushes. we have two now and they give us a decent amount of blueberries (you'd need quite a few to have a steady supply and then harvest for canning) and turn the most beautiful red colors in the fall.
i have found the most wonderful ground cover flower for next to and under other larger plants - portulaca. it favors dry conditions, which our terrace most certainly is. and that means i don't have to baby it with water. it blooms continuously throughout the summer. i discovered it our first year here and then for some reason decided it wasn't what i wanted. i tried other ones none of which worked that well and this year was at the nursery, saw some, and thought, "hey! my old friend portulaca!"

here's a photo of it blooming next to my lavender plant. in this photo is a shell from a beach in NC where my primary family and i used to take vacations. those beaches have the best shell collecting i've found on the east coast. i brought back a bag of shells years ago and just took them out for my son to play with. i've put a few in pots and i look at them, remember the good times i had with my family, and smile.

as i get older i realize life is filled with these moments of recollecting while at the same time making new memories. summers on the east coast remind me of my primary family. and all the while my husband and i are making our new family and enjoying these years while our son is small and at home with us. it feels so very precious. so fleeting.

we are going to cape cod this summer, to a town my parents and i used to go to, and i'm so excited to explore it with my new little family. it will be filled with memories of my parents which makes me a little nervous. but i think we will have fun and my son will be thrilled to play on the beach and in the ocean and lakes.

today, it's portulaca blooming on my terrace next to an old sea shell that filled my heart with love. and the thought of catching up on masterpiece mystery! the best!

best gifts post

i'm all about gifts people will use as opposed to things that will take up space in a limited environment. the days of trinkets are gone, people. who has room for that anymore?

i like ice cream and have been known to eat a pint in one sitting even (although not for a few years now), but it's not something that tempts me at the grocery store. i'm more of a cake/pastries person than an ice cream person. can you hear the qualifier approaching?

BUT. Steve's Ice Cream is really good and has a flavor called Salty Caramel that is so good i can't stop eating it. my husband and i bought some for the holiday and oops, it didn't make it. so i went to our local organic place and got another. i'm not a huge fan of caramel or vanilla ice cream either but in this setting, the salty caramel and sweet vanilla melt together to create a symphony of contrasting yet harmonious flavors and....well, you get the picture. it makes no sense on paper that i would be obsessed with this ice cream but here we are. who am i to question the ice cream gods?

they also make flavors called Bourbon Pecan Pie & NOLA iced coffee & donuts. if that wordy endorsement wasn't enough of a reason to try it, then i don't know what to tell you.

this blanket from Eddie Bauer is on sale and the warmest, lightest, easiest to store thing. i bought one that was half price ($60) to replace some old throws and it would make a fantastic gift! if i could, i would buy one for pretty much my entire family. it gets over 700 5-star reviews. 'nuff said.

for the technologically advanced people in your life, you can get them Grid It, $12.79 on Amazon. i'd like to get this for my husband sometime soon. it's great for travel but also just organizing all the little parts that go together for our modern world.


for the little ones, you might get them a toy by Green Toys, a fantastic toy company that uses all recycled materials to make their products which are durable, lightweight and fun. we got the submarine for my 1+ year-old son for the bath and he loves it. it's very well made and i can tell he'll be using it for years to come. the submarine is light enough that he can play with it easily and the water pours out the front and side in a steady, pretty stream which makes him want to play with it and watch it. great for washing hair and just having fun all around.

for the 1+ crowd i'd also recommend the board book, The House in the Night. it's a rhythmic story about, you know, a house...in the night. it's very soothing and pretty and heartwarming without being too saccharin. there are good children's books and then there are special children's books. this one is both.

for the cook in your life, this Joseph Joseph spatula is great. i use it pretty much every time i cook for all the reasons stated on amazon.

if you live in NYC, and have an anglophile in your life, go to Myers of Keswick for some British meat pies and/or bangers. they are delicious and hard to find in the States.

we had some sweet friends send us an order from Zingerman's online deli that was really delectable. it blows Harry & David right out of the water as far as gift baskets are concerned.

more soon as i think of them!

what it's like to be a mom

thursday something happened that encapsulated what it's like to be a SAHP (stay at home parent) for me.

it was a relatively normal day with my 15-month-old son. we were having a good time but i was feeling a little more drained than usual. we had been busy and i really needed to have a little time to deal with myself or i was going to go, as my friend says, binky banky.

i'm blessed with a good sleeper. i know, i know. if you're a parent without one, you're groaning. i'm lucky in this regard and i know and i thank my lucky stars. i'm also a stay at home parent who has no help. i mean, no babysitters, no nannies, no housecleaners, no family nearby - i do it all. i plan meals, clean our apartment, order/buy groceries, make doctors appointments, research activities, sort through clothes, read up on development, make playdates and oh, take care of my son.

i'm married to a wonderful man who is very supportive and takes our son a lot on the weekends to give me a break. like i said - lucky. 

but all of this is The Disclaimer. because if you're a parent, you know that even if you're lucky in certain regards, you're still a parent, working, not working, with tons of support or not, it's really, really hard.

so we were toodling along in our week together and he all of a sudden wouldn't go to sleep during his normal nap time. he wasn't sick, there was no reason i could think of why he was screaming like a demon baby instead of peacefully drifting off with minor soothing from me, as he normally does.

i was so tired. not like, i need to sleep tired. tired like I NEED TWO HOURS TO MYSELF OR I'M GOING TO LOSE MY #%$@ING MIND tired. when i realized he might not sleep, i found myself going to The Dark Place. here was my thought process:

oh my god, he's not going to nap. he's going to scream and be exhausted and have puffy eyes and be wired and tired and cranky and i'm going to be dragging my body along like someone in the desert looking for an oasis just for one. drop. of. water. please please please this can't be happening. i'll do anything. i just need a little time for myself. is that too much to ask? 

i can't do this. i cannot do this anymore and i don't know anyone who can. why would anyone have more than one child? this is horrible. i have NO TIME FOR MYSELF. there's no room. there's no room for a haircut, my hair has been growing unchecked for months. i can't clean my house properly, exercise, talk to my friend for more than 5 fragmented minutes, go on a date with my husband, work on anything related to my self-expression, GO TO THE DENTIST. i have been ignoring a cavity for about a year now. (hmmm...i wonder how that's going to turn out?) there's no time and i can't do this without a break. i can't make meals for him unless i'm navigating a toddler who's emptying all my spices onto the floor while i'm trying not to pour boiling water on his head before i get to the sink. this is untenable. day after day after day after day of no relief! why did we do this to ourselves? we had a good life, we traveled, we saw friends, had new experiences - we left our neighborhood! every day!

he's still screaming. this will never stop. i will never have a break again until i'm too broken to care. all of my dreams are swirling down the toilet in front of my very eyes and all i can do is watch and try not to throw things out the window. you don't understand, universe - these naps are ALL I HAVE. there's no one relieving me, there's no spa day, no vacation. I NEED THEM OR I CAN'T DO THIS PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME CRY WHILE PUSHING MY SON TO THE PLAYGROUND IN HIS STROLLER. i don't want to look like a crazy lady, i want to be a happy, well-balanced mommy with love in her heart and fresh baked bread cooling on the counter. why why why does this have to be so hard all the time?! 

i checked on my son a few times during the hour that he stood up in his crib in his sleep-sack, screaming his little head off in protest of having to sleep (in between which he yawned, looked exhausted and closed his eyes for exactly one second). the last time i went in to comfort him i had *almost* resigned myself to the fact that we were going to have a horrible day and i should just accept that we would both be miserable and we would get through it somehow. when i lay him back down this time he did so peacefully. he was on his side facing away from me and looked up at me with this sly, slow smile, grabbed my hand in his little one and began to suck his thumb, holding onto me.

i thought, you are the most magical, beautiful, wonderful little being i have ever seen in my entire existence. i love you more than i have ever loved anything in this universe and i want to smell that baby smell of yours for the rest of my life even if you are simultaneously driving me to the point of total insanity on a daily (if not hourly) basis. there has never been a creature as delightful and lovely as you and i would do anything for you.

i left his room and he slept for 3 hours. see? lucky. then i did yoga and took a nice, hot shower. i'm sure all of this will happen again soon, but in a different way just to keep me on my toes. 

ps echoes

yesterday at the playground i saw a woman who reminded me of my mom. she had grey hair and was beautiful, but not in a conventional way. she was watching her son play, patiently, calmly. she was relaxed and there was something about her ... i'm still not sure what it was. but i could see Mom again, as a person and not a figment of my imagination. i could picture what it would be like to be in her real presence again for a moment. to see her watch my son...it took my breath away.

i don't usually try to picture her much. it's too painful. i wanted to go over and talk to this woman, just chat with her, to be in her presence for a while. every few years i run into someone like that, who seems to have a similar spirit and i try to engage them in conversation. to get that feeling again, if only for a moment. but i was with a group of people, so i didn't.

so today my head is full of ghosts. it's been a rough week. time to go make dinner.

sunday

i'm tired.

a little sleepy too, but mainly just tired.

complain alert. i'm going to complain.

i'm grateful for the wonderful things in my life and maybe you can make it through this existence without having moments where you feel like you're going to collapse and you don't know what you're doing, but i can't.

i almost don't see the point in writing this, but i thought it might help clear my head. i'm just not sure what the point of all this is. what are we doing? why are we doing any of this? don't get me wrong, i have ambitions, desires...i have so many desires it's laughable. LAUGHABLE. some might call them delusions, but i call them desires.

and i'll continue to work hard and try to be fair, both to myself and to others, and attain what i want while enjoying The Present. but i'm just not sure what the point of all of this is.

maybe there's no point. the point is, we have to do something...i mean, we do have to do something before we die, why not build a life? a life full of meaning, whatever that is to you.

ambition, success, the ability to enjoy your life, putting food on the table, nurturing your family, adventure, love, money, power, legacy, spiritual awareness. whatever it is that makes you tick... do you ever just stop and wonder -- what the fuck am i doing?

miles davis' "so what?" just came on the radio. timing is everything.

i have much in my life that i love, more than most of the people on the planet, i'd imagine. i love my family, love where i live, i have things i love to do that i may just be lucky enough to do again one day if we can figure out a few logistics.

i think it was growing up listening to my dad address the Big Questions every week that made me ask myself these kinds of things since i can remember. it was his job to ask, why are we here, how do we do this better, what is our relationship to god (that one i don't ask myself much anymore), how can be better people...

i think it boils down to being a stay at home mom for just over a year with an active imagination and a strong yearning to engage in the adult world more. that's what i'll chalk it up to.

that and needed medication so my synapses can trap serotonin efficiently. never been very good at that.

i guess we do our best and then when Life kicks you in the gut and you're lying on the ground with the wind knocked out of you, you don't ask "what am i doing?" because really what you need to concentrate on is breathing again. walking again.

you get up and you get your breath back and start to walk, ignoring the pain in your ribs because the alternative is give up. and that's no fun. i've seen how that plays out too. hint: not well.

i suppose there are people who grow old enjoying their lives who don't end up in tragedy or personal disaster. that's a good goal. to live to a ripe, old age without committing seppuku (just learned about that yesterday) or driving everyone who loves me away with bitterness and madness....that's a good goal.

but i'll think more about that tomorrow. today, i'm tired.