Looking into the mouth of the beast

What happens when OTR is out of meds, or has PMS, or the Holidays are upon me. Up On Me.

OR is just in a funky mood given all 3.

Today my husband and I are getting a xmas tree and wreath. And cleaning our disgusting home. And I'm going through months of paperwork. And making cat hammocks. And the list is literally 3 extra large post its on my refrigerator... I won't bore you.

I have good things to look forward to in the coming weeks. I love xmas.

I also am reminded of things I don't love to think about over xmas. It's amazing how sometimes in life you have thoughts/ideas/subjects you don't want to ponder inextricably intertwined with things you love and want to think about, even foster. Forget the novel concept of the artist being a man who is holding two opposing ideas in his head (Fitzgerald), try having those two ideas make love to one another in your head. Now, that's trippy.

(I said "make love"... eewwww.)

Sooooo... Bernie Madoff's son hanged himself yesterday (?), apparently. Props to you, Madoff, for killing one of your children while in prison for 150 years. That takes a certain je ne c'est quoi.

And on a lighter note (wait, there's a lighter note?), I have learned how to make a few things using typing icons or key strokes or however you would say if you spoke English well (I copied the first two from an app) and am now trying to come up with my version of Rodin's Thinking Man which I just saw in person in San Francisco for the first time.

(\(\
( -.-)
o_(")(")    a bunny!

( 8^_(|)  a Homer Simpson!

     ?
  ( ->
 [    \"\   Thinking Man! By Roe-dan! No?
----- /  /
       \ >

Here are some cats playing patty-cake and their thought process vocalized by two dudes.

What started this engaging thought-process this morning? I am watching a mediocre Mel "Sugar tits" Gibson movie and heard this quote while the "Sexy Beast " star (love love) has a conversation with a doctor after clearly learning that he has less time to live than expected due to some ailment:

-No, I can't sleep. I fall asleep and then I jolt myself awake. There's something about the darkness... I don't like it.
-I'm not a counselor. I know you want to banter with me, but I can't do that. I can just give you the facts.
-Well, we all know what the fact are; we live a while, and then we die sooner than we planned.
"Edge of Darkness"

Ta da! I likes it. Becauses I'm morbid and find the darkness acknowledged relieving and funny (not a popular viewpoint, I've found... but mine, nonetheless).

'Tis the season!

To fall on your hands and knees in front of a bunch of yard workers on your way home from work holding a bunch of groceries and bottles of booze.

Sigh. I have made my customary xmas mixes for the impending holiday season. I celebrate Christmas even though I am not religious. I LOVE Christmas! Love love love. It reminds me of my family being all together and happy(ish)!

Here is the list of my "Classic Xmas" mix:

First Noel
What Child Is This?
Good King Wenceslas
We Three Kings
Silent Night
God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen
Handel's Messiah: Hallelujah
The 12 Days of Xmas
Sussex Carol
Carol of the Bells
Have Yourself a Merry Little Xmas
O Come All Ye Faithful
Ode to Joy
Good Christian Men, Rejoice
Sleigh Ride
Deck the Halls
Waltz of the Flowers
O Little Town of Bethlehem
Angels We Have Heard on High
Adeste Fideles
The Holly & The Ivy
Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
O Come Emmanuel

I have a "Funky Xmas" one too that I will share with you at some other point. I particularly enjoy recordings from Westminster Boys' Choir, St. Paul's Cathedral, Trinity Church Wall Street, London Symphony Orchestra.

And Judy Garland's "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" which I'm listening to right now. Nuthin like it.

I have to go sew something. Merry Merry!

Clown Time

We've all seen Christine O'Donnell's crazy-ass ad stating she's not a witch (um... did that need to be said out loud?).

???

I don't want to state the obvious, but this is total clown time.

Here's the ad for you to check out to refresh your memory:
Christine O'Donnell Ad

And here's the SNL spoof (of course):
SNL Spoof

And here's Elvira's spoof (hurrah):
Elvira's Spoof

Be afraid, Delaware, be very afraid. And guys, I'm really not a sorceress. And you're not the Sheriff of Nottingham, and he's not the Easter Bunny, and she's not Lady Guinevere.

Have a great day. [Poof!]

Post Secret & lovin la vida loca (god, did i just type that?)

Do you read Post Secret? Well, I do. Every Sunday I tune in to see what people submit as their secrets... I love it. I think it's fascinating what they choose to admit and how they present it.

Today I found one that read:

"My creative gifts are worth the mental illness I've suffered for them"

And I couldn't agree more. I have some trouble with reality sometimes... but there's no question I'd have this brain/heart again.

Making my own life.

I have a lot of trouble motivating myself to do things. Once I get an idea in my head that something needs to happen - look out! I will stop at almost nothing to get it done and get it done very well. But getting myself to care about things - how clean my apt is (actually I always care, I just may not clean it), waxing my eyebrows, paying the bills, exercising, putting away laundry... these things are difficult for me to do. I know, I know... nobody likes to do these things but it is like walking through cement sometimes to get them done. I think this is related to the depression I've been battling since I was about 13. I'm finally on medication for it and it seems to really help.

But even so, I wake up a lot of mornings and have to force myself to do things. Once I clean or wax or work out or organize I feel SO GOOD! And that's what I keep reminding myself... this is for YOU, dummy.

Today is a gorgeous day in NYC and I am about to clean up and vacuum so we can start the week with an apt that is neat so when we come home exhausted from work we can say, "Aaaahhhh, we're home" instead of "Oh god, what a mess." It might have something to do with the fact that my husband has been down with the flu for the week, leaving me to do all the cleaning/cooking/maintenance, and that both of us work a lot and have almost no down time. Hmmm..

And then I'm going for a bike ride. Watch me.

I dreamed about an ex this morning.

I dreamed about an ex and I want him outta my head. You know when you have a crystal clear dream of a time that has passe... sorry, had to pet two cats on either side of me... a time that has passed and it brings back a whole slew of emotions that you don't need to relive? Yeah, that's what's happening inside my brain this morning and I want it to go away. What happened was so long ago and water under the pro... sorry, cat in my lap... water under the proverbial bridge and I don't need to rehash it.

We loved each other for a little time and then shit happened and I acted like a controlling weirdo and he acted like a douche and it was over. And scene.

The best cutting board.

Bored?

No, I'm not. I am a domestic weirdo. I once was a girl who only had vodka & cheese in her fridge. Now I plan meals in advance - complicated meals no less - and wonder what are the BEST appliances to have in my kitchen so that I can A) save space; B) multi-task; and C) look cool. Probably in that order too.

I recently put all of our spices into these jars that I ordered on Amazon.com to save space in our tiny but modern kitchen drawers. They also look awesome. I literally just loaded a fresh cartridge into my label-maker and am about to label them. Yes, that is what I mean by domestic weirdo = OCD dork. Btw, we have over 60 jars of spices.

Blah blah blah - HERE'S why I wanted to write this post. And I have to make it quick, but I have the greatest cutting board since sliced bread (never understood that phrase) - I saw it online about a year ago and then went to visit my family and my sister-in-law (who knows all the cool gadgets and stuff) has one and she loves it and says she pretty much only uses this one even though she has several wooden ones as well...


THIS IS IT!


Joseph joseph makes some cool stuff, no? I also recently got a salad bowl as a gift from a friend and I love it! Super cool and useful.

So that is my domestic weirdo report. Chop, rinse, look cool and easy storage. What else does an ex-party-girl gone OCD wife need?

(Some fucking drugs!)

Who said that?

Chocolate & tea... together? Yes.

So my husband recently came home with a little tiny package of heaven. No... get your mind out of the gutter, I mean TEA, people.

Chocolate chai tea, to be specific. I didn't know such a thing existed. I am a big tea drinker and I have recently been drinking my own chai at home. I love the spice. Now chocolate chai is just what it sounds like - part chocolate powder, part chai tea. It isn't sweet - you have to add sugar to make it so, and a healthy dose of milk to lighten it up (at least the way I make it). It is sooo yummy and soothing.

I make it in a pot with loose tea and couldn't be happier. The brand we use is from a local place in NYC, but I'm sure there are many companies that make it.

Enjoy!

My favorite Grilled Cheese Sandwich

I just made my favorite grilled cheese sandwich and thought I'd share it with all of you.

Two slices, soft whole wheat bread
1/2 cup sharp cheddar cheese, sliced
2 Tbs unsalted butter
1 fry pan with lid

Put frying pan on med-high heat... put in 1 Tbs of the butter and let melt completely.
While that is heating put the sandwich together. After butter is melted, put sandwich in pan with lid and leave on med-high for 2 mins. Then turn down the heat to low-med & cook for about 2 mins or until that side is a nice, toasted brown. Flip sandwich, add 1 Tbs butter and cook on med-low heat (turn it up a notch) for 3 mins or until bread is toasted brown. Cheese should be oozing out the sides of the sandwich.

When the sandwich is cooked, put on a small plate and cut in half. Serve immediately.

It's simple. And it's pefect.

Cool Art I would like

Odd and wonderful.


Brooklyn Art!

"Meeting to feed the birds"... cute.


A squid attacks the BK Bridge on a tee shirt.

That's all.

A very NY experience.

Tonight I'm going to a friend's book opening party at a bookstore in Carroll Gardens. I am psyched to see her photography and the book and maybe get some free wine...?

I am BROKE. I don't even have quarters. I had to spend my paycheck on averting a small financial disaster and now have no money whatsoever. It will all work out in the end (hopefully) but for the moment I am... how you say? Cash poor.

I will meet friends at this opening and have a wonderful time, I'm sure, congratulating my friend and looking around at the Brooklyn Literary Elite and then come home to my lovely condo and eat cereal.

I have both lean and lush times in my life and I'm sure this will continue - but tonight is an oh-so NYC experience. Maybe someday I will not only live here, but flourish financially... THAT would be a coup.

Addendum to Preparing to Party - i.e., re-upholstering chairs.

I posted something about wanting to re-upholster my chairs and make new pillow cases before our housewarming party last weekend and - shocker - it didn't happen in time. I went to Mood in NYC to check out the lovely magenta damask that we'd chosen online and it didn't look right in person.

So it was back to the drawing board, so to speak, and I found a more modern fabric that I'm about to buy that is the "pop of color" we were looking for, should wear well and has a great design.

Richloom Trendsetter Mosaic

I also like Richloom Trendsetter Manhattan, but this won't supply the pop of color.

Fabric.com is a great place to shop for all kinds of ... well, fabric. I quilt and sew and love this website.

Ok - on to other projects like lunch.

Steam Clean Your Furniture - It Is Amazing!

Rug Doctor (a potentially x-rated sounding name... yes, I had to go there) is a miracle worker.

My husband and I have 3 cats and thus our furniture tends to look a bit ragged. We have some great pieces that have steadily gotten beat to shit over the last 4-5 years. I have a light yellowy-green chair upholstered in faux suede that I love but gets dirty... and it's gross. I have been embarrassed to have people over and notice that the arms and back are gray with dirt from my darling felines positioning themselves perfectly for snuggles and scraps of food.

My husband being the savvy person that he is, suggested that we rent a Rug Doctor. I was like, "Rent a what? You can do that?" Why yes... yes, you can.

This is THE BEST idea in the world. You can go to their website:

Rug Doctor Website

and click on "Rent Rug Doctor", put in your zip, et voila! We rented from Key Foods in Brooklyn and it cost $30/day. And you have to purchase the detergent yourself. I, of course, being the last-minute-Lucy that I am decided to do this the morning of our housewarming party and steam the back and arms of our couch (which is light blue) and my yellowish chair. We SOAKED them with the solution and vacuumed up the liquid as best we could and they dried within 4 hours? And looked AMAZING. All the stains on the sofa and chair were gone and they looked like new! No more embarrassment! No more sighing when I looked at them after regular vacuuming and wondering how people kept their furniture clean!

Now I know the secret... Rug Doctor. I'm going to rent it again soon to do our rugs and sofa cushions (didn't have time for those and you can see the difference between them and the frame which is clean).

Things to know: It will take a long time. You have to move slowly and really soak and vacuum the places with dirt and stains. And allow several hours to dry. However - it works. I am once again, a happy domestic weirdo.

Happy Steaming!

Cool!

THIS piece of art is super cool and very NYC looking.

I would like it.

So is THIS one. It tells a story.

Oooh! And Coney Island brings back Summer memories.

I love shopping for art. I have a lot of it but one can never have too many pieces of art, I guess. At least that's my working theory.

Preparing to party.

My husband and I are having our housewarming party in 2 weeks (as we planned about 6 weeks in advance) and I'm starting to realize that even though we are MOSTLY unpacked, there is still crap everywhere that needs to be sorted. We have four perfectly good dining room chairs with slipcovers that have been trashed by our cats. So I have decided to sew new slipcovers and coordinating pillow case covers for the pillows on our couch in time to display them all at our party. We have a lot of white, gray, dark browns in our home and we want a "splash of color".

So I was shopping on Mood's website and found this garnet damask fabric that might work and I'm really excited about it.

I'm thinking simple slipcovers (I hope I can copy the ones we have now by dissecting them and recreating them exactly... ahem) and a couple of pillow cases that use some of this fabric in them as well. Our home is very modern looking and I like the idea of throwing in some vintage style fabric to offset the cool, sleek colors and lines of our furniture. I love cool and sleek, but I also like a bit of character and quirkiness. Luckily, my husband is really interested in the style of our home as well, so I always consult him and he also liked this fabric the best. Lucky me!

Now I'm off to clean and eat something and go to the nursery for a lemon tree and move more stuff into our storage space. SO. MUCH. STUFF. (And yes, we've weeded out like 5 times.)

Vamos!

Colonoscopy.

I just had my first. Fear not, all is well.

The prep for those is DISGUSTING. Drinking that shite was one of the least pleasant tasks of this year so far... it tastes AWFUL. I finally realized that putting ice cubes in the glass (you're supposed to drink one 8-oz glass every ten minutes until the fluid is gone) and interspersing with sips of ginger beer/ale really helps. I actually threw it up at first it was so gross.

Moving on, once I got through that and the frequent trips to the bathroom (sorry, but this is the deal), it was just suffering through a day and a half of no solid foods and then nothing at all until the procedure. Not even water. That was hard.

But I had heard that the drugs they give you as anesthesia rock. And BOY do they. You only get to feel it for about 60 seconds before you're under... so as the anesthesiologist said, "I injected a small amount of medication to flush out your vein... you're going to feel it in a few seconds" I lay back and monitored my body. Sure enough, a few seconds later the warmest, most relaxing feeling in the world spread up my whole body. I said, "Cool. I can see why people are heroin addicts." He said, "Yeah... I've actually never had this." I said, "Really? Is it an opiate?" (Stupid question - I was high, people.) He said, "No, it's __________ [a long technical name I could never hope to remember]." I said, "NOT that I care about drugs" and could feel my consciousness beginning to fade. He looked down at me and said, "Here you go..." and I passed out.

I woke up what seemed like a second later in another room still feeling drowsy and cozy and one of the nurses was standing over me saying, "Hi there. You awake?" I said, "Is it over?" and she said yes, it was. She said, "You talked a lot" and smiled. I said, "Oh god, what did I say?" and thankfully they couldn't understand me. Then she offered me Oreos and apple juice and I grinned... FOOD! She said, "I thought you'd like that."

They couldn't have been nicer there and my dr was cool and sweet and clear. So all in all, it could have been worse. But if you have to suffer through one - get a ton of apple juice, ginger ale and have ice on hand. It will help.

A threat

I listened to a call-in show today on NPR about the resistance to building a mosque near Ground Zero here in New York. There are some people who believe it's dishonoring the memory of those killed on Sept. 11, 2001 to establish a religious center celebrating the same religion of those who executed the attacks on that crystal clear morning.

First of all, I have no idea what the loved ones of those who were killed have gone through. I can only imagine it to be a long, arduous road through grief, anger and loss. My heart goes out to all of the people who were murdered that day and their friends and families who I know still grieve their absence.

However, I have never quite understood the argument that some people non-violently celebrating their religion or lifestyle is dishonoring anyone. I know there are many deep feelings surrounding what happened on 9/11, but it seems to me that the terrorists win a bit if we aren't able to differentiate between people who practice non-violent Islam and Muslim extremists who wish destruction and chaos on the USA.

I personally hope we are able to welcome Muslims to worship near Ground Zero, to grieve those loved ones they may have lost on that day, and embrace the mutual sadness that would unite us. After all, the terrorists hope is to divide us with fear and hate, bringing us to a place where we are afraid to reach out to other people. That is what they are banking on - that violence and terror will begin to run our lives instead of our human desire to connect with other people.

I think I can say with total assurance that the bravest acts in my life have included moving beyond the hate, anger, sadness and hurt to a place where I still FEEL those emotions, but recognize that that is not the place to set up camp. Bad things happen in life - America is a young country and we are not familiar with having war brought to our soil. There is no guarantee of safety, no matter how few mosques we have, how many clothes we take off at the airport when passing through security, how much racial profiling we may do... there will always be people who want to hurt us for who we are, how we live our lives and express ourselves. Sound familiar?

I feel that the moment we give in to hate and fear mongering and stop the difficult process of sorting out who is our friend and our foe (even within our own country, our own selves), regardless of race, nationality or religion, we become the terrorists. We become the people who are intolerant, hateful and exclusionary.

I'm not a particularly religious person, but I know what most world religions have in common: the advice to treat thy brother/neighbor/sister/friend/family as you would want to be treated. To work towards a peaceful coexistence, not a conflict-filled one. Only extremists preach violence and intolerance. In times of crisis we find friends in unusual places and people.

I hope New York City can pave the way with this new mosque for tolerance, acceptance, and friendship in a new world, no matter how scary that may be. Because I can tell you how scary a world without (religious) freedom is - and I don't want it.

Today

A shady looking man (homeless?) said to me, "I had no idea Miss America was in Brooklyn"... and I was secretly flattered.

Cute, environmentally friendly and very useful.

I am obsessed with these reusable towels (thank you, sister-in-law, who introduced them to me... me to them... whatever)!

They come in all kinds of cute designs and they are perfect for cleaning off counters, stove tops, fridges etc. They can get spills and just wipe things down - things that I often use paper towels for, but I realize this is wasteful and want to cut down on it. AND they're biodegradable.

Et voila! The fuckin Scandinavians, I'm telling you, everything I covet I eventually find out is Swedish. Maybe I should go to Stockholm! I hear they are tall there too...

Check these tea towels out too. LOVE!

Say hello to "Farewell"

It's time to call in sick to work and go to your nearest movie theatre that would be playing a foreign film to see "Farewell". It's a riveting spy thriller about a real life Russian KGB agent who decided to leak crucial information in 1981 to the French (and therefore got passed on to President Reagan).

I wasn't sure what to expect after reading a few reviews, and only as the movie ended did I begin to realize how great the movie is. The story is expertly told, the cinematography is great, acting, directing... all really good. It got compared to "The Lives of Others" which I can see... I loved that movie as well.

It's rare that I am deeply impressed by movies in the theatres. It's even more rare that that movie is American. This it is not... and you should definitely see it as soon as you can. It's probably the best movie I've seen since "Let the Right One In" (Swedish vampire movie) that Hollywood is now remaking (groan).


It renewed my faith in storytelling. According to some reviews, the screenplay is more romantic than the real life version, but I have no problem with that. I often prefer artistic versions of things anyway unless the truth is locked into the reality of a situation. I'm blathering.

GO SEE IT!

Robyn - Dancing On My Own

i'm obsessed with this song and video. i think i might dance to it tonight with a glass of wine.

A cool vid from my friend, Stacy.

THIS is a cool song.'

God spoke and the light shone down...

"Let there be Kettle Salt & Pepper Potato Chips... BAKED!"

I had some last night and today... and I'm here to tell you, they are fucking delicious! Haha!

All the taste, less than half the fat - bring it, Kettle, bring it.

Homemade Caprese, makin me a-crazy.

Soooooooo good.

6 feet tall and smells like dead bodies?

Me A FLOWER, Lois.

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/38376749

Garden Report: All is growing like mad. And very tasty.

Last night's Pasta Primavera with fresh zucchini and squash and a homemade marinara made from our homegrown tomatoes was... how do you say - DIVINE. I love yellow squash it was oh-so-buttery. Man, watering all those days has paid off into some yummy veggies. This is my first time dedicating myself to a vegetable garden so I'm extra excited.

We are having a heat wave in NYC right now. It's already 92 F outside and will get up to 94 ("but with the humidity it will feel like 103"). Ugh. I HATE heat and humidity like this. However, I am glad to see the sun and have my plants performing photosynthesis like it's their job.

Portulaca is a great succulent plant (aka "moss rose"), it is blooming like crazy now. I planted them in really sunny places on our terrace that will get sun most of the day. I highly recommend it if you have dry, rocky soil and want a bloomer without too much effort.

I bought some cone flowers yesterday and potted them along with some bushy little yellow flowers of which I can't remember the name right now. I am heading towards an English garden look on the terrace. I love love love my lavender. (I am partial to French lavender rather than English.) Last year's lavender is blooming like crazy this year! The one I bought this year looks great, but I know it won't bloom until next year. I love the breezy, airy flowers - it makes me feel like I'm in a field in the English countryside relaxing... and then I look over the side and remember I'm in Brooklyn.

Our hot peppers are finally appearing, although no sign yet of the habaneros they have grown a lot as plants and I expect to see them soon. We have yellow bell peppers and tons of different kinds of tomatoes. All the herbs are doing well - I cannot, for the life of me, keep cilantro going. I have tried twice and I give up. Curry, parsley, tarragon, chives, rosemary, chocolate mint (dear god, if you don't have it yet go get it now), sage, thyme, oregano... all of these are flourishing.

The challenge in weather like this is keeping up the water so they don't dry out and die. I'm having a lot of trouble with my cucumbers which I attribute to planting them in a too small pot. I will try transplanting to a larger one soon I think to see if I can rehabilitate the ones I have.

I have learned do not plant more than one zucchini or squash plant in a large pot. They will grow and produce much better when have tons of room to take over.

The peony plants are doing well but will not bloom until next year.

I am about to start composting (well, I have a full composter on my kitchen counter) and using that as fertilizer rather than the Miraclegro.

I think that's all for now. Any suggestions or comments are welcome!

Any thoughts on growing beets in containers? My thought is they are not worth the effort - you only get one beet per plant, right? And they are not super expensive.

Thunder! Lightening! Very very frightening!

Not really that frightening. We have a tornado watch this evening which has been very exciting to watch from our new terrace. Oooohhhh aaaahhhhh.

It's on its way out to Long Island now. But there are more storms coming our way from the Midwest as far as I can tell which is fine with me. Get some storms in here and maybe some of the humidity will drop.

Tonight we are making pasta primavera and a caprese salad for dinner. We gathered some tomatoes, zucchini, and squash from our garden tonight. My husband is making his excellent marinara sauce with fresh basil and tomatoes. I'm boiling up some quinoa spaghetti or soba noodles (can't decide) and slicing veggies.

For a moment, we have natural entertainment and good food. All is well.

Pasta Primavera

Boil water with a teaspoon of olive oil in it.
Add noodles and cook until al dente.
Slice zucchini, squash, and sautee in small amount of olive oil. Salt and pepper to taste. Do not overcook. Veggies should still have a slight firmness. Remove from heat.

Strain noodles and put in large bowl.
Add marinara sauce (your partner's if you're lucky like me - add mushrooms, one thai chili, diced, kalamatas or capers and wine!) and stir.
Add veggies, another tsp of olive oil, grated parmsan & serve immediately!

Fuckin Friday.

(Begin "At Last" by Etta James).

Do you ever get an urge to hit the town lookin for cold beer, sexy men/women and piles of coke? Yeah... me too.

[George Bush expression & intonation ala Dana Carvey] "Not gonna do it!"

But hot DAMN it's tempting. Aging or no aging, sometimes a girl's gotta rock!

Sandal me.

Looking for a really comfortable sandal that is sexy and fancy enough for a wedding or nice restaurant? Look no further.

Clark Un.Crow

I have wide feet, size 10, am 6'2" and live in New York City. I walk a lot and have planters fascitis (i.e., painful feet after a lot of walking) - I have been looking FOREVER for sandals that look nice, have a small heel and are comfortable enough to walk around the city in. These are they.

They cost $110 and come in great basic colors. I wore them to my friends wedding in the woods of Maine and wear them around the city all the time. It's love at first wear.

I did get blisters on the inside of the balls of my feet the first time I wore them. I let the blisters heal and have never had any other trouble. I LOVE THEM.

Let Summer footwear be comfortable! And cute.

Learning to love the little things.

This is a half-baked thought/s. Recently I have noticed that I have become... less impressed with the world and more frustrated with how little seems to move towards... progress? There is still war. We are still in one. There was a giant oil spill. They can't clean it up. There is still rape and murder and slavery and torture and people who think they can tell others how to live... why these things should suddenly stop happening when they've been happening for thousands of years, I don't know. But it bothers me. A lot.

I have a friend who gets happy, really happy, about little stuff. She isn't as interested in the big picture stuff as I am, she doesn't feel it's her duty to seek it out and understand it (which is what I believe). And she's happy more than I am. About getting a really good sandwich, or sitting in the park on a lovely day. I used to love those things too. Perhaps it's because I want to apply myself to something in life in which I find meaning, perhaps it's that I am a depressive person and a cynic and consider myself a realist (which is exhausting). But regardless, I would like to have a few more moments in my life where I can appreciate the little things that happen all the time that are kind of wonderful. Otherwise I think I may go insane.

I don't want to be ignorant or a Pollyanna (and don't think I could be if I tried). I do consider it my duty to seek out information and truth even if it costs me something. Even if it costs me a lot. But I also want to be happy. And I haven't been very happy recently. And I'm tired.

And I think I should discover some of the wonder that the world has to offer. Because if you look for it, it's there. Just like the rape and the torture and the corruption and heartlessness. They both exist, simultaneously. The balance is curious.

Once bitten, twice shy.

My cat, the furry soul mate of my life, bit my finger soooo hard last night while I was sleeping. He actually BIT me. He's nipped at me for 13 years, but never really bitten me except once when I put my hand between him and another cat he was fighting (my fault).

He likes to bite my clothing, pull his head back and let it snap back into place in order to wake me up to get him food. He especially likes this with elastic things like the straps of my Summer nightgown. He was doing that... and then he sank his fangs into my finger. I gasped as I woke up in shocking pain, ran to the bathroom and saw blood dripping off my finger.

I'm still stunned he did that and really don't think he understood it was my finger. He adores me in his own psychotic way.

But I am a little nervous to go to sleep tonight. What if he does it again?

In the Woods by Tana French

I give this book 3 out of 5 stars. ***

In the Woods.



I was pleasantly surprised at first at her writing, and then I found it inconsistent and perhaps grasping at something it couldn't deliver. I continued reading it and was completely absorbed into this mystery (which is really 2 mysteries). I finished reading the book at 4am one morning, unable to put it down after convincing myself that the author would give me a payoff at the end, and was really disappointed.

I really enjoyed reading it, but the ending SUUUUCCCKKKKEEDD. I was mad. I know endings are hard and it's easy to criticize, but there is SO much build up during the novel - so many times the protagonist is reflecting back on what we are finding out and giving us teasers as to what's to come - and it falls completely flat. One mystery is never solved at all and the other is not finished, but turns sharply in another direction with little to no explanation/insight as to why it happened.

Having said that, I totally enjoyed being obsessed with this book for a little while. I hope her next one lives up to the potential.

Things I want but do not need

The ice orb!!!

Pasta & Parmesan Tool.



The Fresh Traveler.

The mean reds

I always remember how Holly Golightly in "Breakfast at Tiffany's" calls depression "the mean reds".

And that's where I am today. I'm also totally exhausted physically and emotionally. I hate feeling like this. I am trying to take it slow and not think too much.

It's post-wedding mean reds. Not mine, of course, but a dear friend's.

Glad to be home though... but not necessarily ready to be back in life. I need a vacation with my honey. This year has been a doozy and I'm really fucking tired.

Back to Law & Order.

Crotchety old man

I had a fabulous time in improv rehearsal last night. We worked with a great coach who kept us on task and helped us through some scenes which was a huge help. I did a scene with my friend, Suzy, where she was my granddaughter trying to shave my face and I was a belligerent, crotchety old man who refused to do anything she asked. After making my initial choice to be a negative, cranky man I started to acquiesce to her desires almost immediately. Brian, our coach, stopped me and said, "What was your first line?" I said, "I can't do it". He said, "Do the voice." I said in a rasping, gravelly, snappish voice, "I can't do it!" and he nodded saying, "Stick with that."

The more I stuck with that - not wanting her to touch me, not finding motivation in the things she presented - the funnier the scene got. In my head I was thinking, Don't fight, don't deny your scene partner, don't be too negative (which is ironic), instead of realizing that my first choice was being positive and supporting my scene partner. If I start off saying, "I can't do it!" then my partner should know that whatever she poses to me I will respond by saying "no" in my cranky way.

It's not a very complicated scene, and it certainly could go many more places, but it was funny. And it was SIMPLE. We were able to play with it and have fun knowing what the structure was and not having to worry.

After Suzy and I finished the scene, we returned to the "back line" (where we stand waiting to enter a scene) and she said, "You have a lot of old man in you" and laughed. It struck fear into my heart at first, thinking of my sometimes hateful father (on whom I based the character), and then decided it was okay to mimic what I've seen in my life and it doesn't necessarily mean I'm destined to the same fate.

Amazing what our minds do to us even in the small moments of success.

Then I went to UCB and saw another member of our team compete with her other improv team in an improv-off called "Cagematch". She was hilarious. I love working with her and was so happy to get to watch her make her choices. The audience loved her. It was thrilling to know her personally and see people shriek with laughter at what she was doing.

Today it's cleaning and organizing and packing as we get ready for our New England vacation next week. We leave tomorrow on my birthday to head to Boston to visit a dear friend of mine who moved there in May.

I have lived in Boston and have many memories there, not all of them ones I wish to revisit. But I think I will stay away from the parts where I lived and spend my time having margaritas with my husband and friend. Boston is not my favorite city. In general, I find the culture repulsive, but I also love certain parts of it. I hope to show them to my husband someday and explain what it was like to live there without acid in my voice. The city is not all responsible for what I don't like to remember. Although the annoying frat boys, classism, gay bashings, racism, and general chip-on-shoulder routines that seem all too prevalent in Massachusetts are tedious and stupid. There are great things about the city like the architecture, seafood, city parks, theatre, music, and academia.

Then we are on to Portland, ME to visit a few friends and I can't wait. I love visiting Portland and eating my body weight in lobster, soaking in the sea air and cool breezes while sipping a fabulous cocktail that costs a fraction of what it does in NYC. If it sounds like I'm a tourist, that's probably because I am. People ask me where I'm from and I often have a hard time answering. I have lived on both coasts of the US for about equal parts of my life and different cities for differing amounts of time. I like change and adventure in that way. I get bored easily and don't like to feel trapped in a small place where I know everyone and everything. I prefer to be a bit of a stranger while still having very close friends on whom I can rely. So traveling to me is fun and interesting. I like my anonymity and one of the alarming things about getting older is realizing exactly how small the world is. I like to think I can disappear at a moment's notice. The fact is, I think that would be much harder than it seems.

But I'm not going to disappear (I hope) on this trip. This trip is about seeing loved ones and celebrating the changes that happen in our lives as move forward. No matter where you live, once you're in the presence of a good friend it all feels familiar.

I'm cleansing, I'm cleansing, I'm cleansing.

That's what I keep telling myself. It's funny, for the most part eating fruit and veggies is really pleasing... but about two hours after I eat, I'm really hungry. So I'm tired of eating peanut butter on crackers to get protein and tonight I've informed my very supportive and wonderful husband that we are having vegan burritos. Refried beans, black olives, orange and yellow bell pepper, salsa and avocado. I grabbed reduced fat sour cream at the deli and then thought, "No, no - that is not allowed!".

I just downed a bag of baby carrots and a bunch of hummus and feel much less panicky. I do think my body is happy with me. But man, I get hungry quickly.

My friend's wedding is coming up and I'm so excited! I've known her since I was about 3 years old. And I can't wait to go up to Maine and celebrate with her family. I'm close with her parents and love spending time with them which is rare.

We've been having a heatwave here on the East Coast which is supposed to let up tonight when it will go down to a cool 88F. Beats 100 tho.

And my birthday is coming up. I'm glad to say I'll be on the road for my birthday having a great time with friends. I could use it. It's been a long year and for the moment, we get a breather.

It's official. I stink.

It's 100 degrees F here today in the fair city of New York. And I ran around in the heat sweating like a pig (I'm not entirely sure how pigs sweat, but madames et monsieurs- i SWEAT), carrying bags from my local food coop (hippy) home to my air coniditioned apartment. I was dripping when I got home.

And I have recently switched to all natural deodorant instead of antiperspirant because supposedly it's the devil or something. I use this deodorant, to be specific. And usually it works pretty well considering that I am moist from May - October. But today... today I smell like a French peasant.

I am going to a wedding next week. In Maine. Outside. On a pond. What. the. fuck. Am I gonna do? Cave and wear antiperspirant? Or stand strong and own my body odor with tea tree oil on my side?

Only time will tell.

This is not me.

A guy threw up next to me today...

walking up the subway stairs at 34th street. Well dressed, young guy. Threw up suddenly with people all around... and kept walking. Like it never happened.

Like it never happened.

Vegan for a week.

So I have decided to go vegan for a week. My dear friend is getting married on a pond in Maine next weekend and I'm going to be there for the wedding, celebration, bbq etc. But before then I'd like to lose a few lbs and have my skin look refreshed... basically, I need to stop drinking and eating crap.

So I decided to go vegan for a week and see if I could do it. I have never identified myself as a non-meat-eater and drink milk like it's going out of style. I'm one of the few adults who actually drinks glasses of milk with relish. My husband is too.

I have read that consuming animal products may not be as healthy as we think it is. I'm sure for those of you who can eat fish and lean meats, whole grains, steamed veggies and all in moderation on a regular basis this drastic measure is not necessary. But for someone like me - i.e., a compulsive consumer on every level possible, it's hard to make myself stick to certain things. So I decided to "close the door" on a lot of the unhealthy possibilities and make it easier on myself.

So far I've had a lot of rice milk (which is higher in calories, sodium & fat than fat free cow's milk I discovered... hmph), oatmeal, fruit, salad and tempeh. And all of it was damn good.

I do also have to say that I feel... lighter. Not thinner, necessarily, but lighter. I don't feel bogged down in my system, at least not from what I've had to eat since Sunday.

I'll keep you posted. I may get four days into this, see a juicy burger and curse the very thought of vegan-ism. Until then, it's one glass of rice milk at a time.

Laura Mercier Lipstick in Peony - Love it

I am recommending that all fair-skinned ladies (and perhaps all different skinned ladies too) go to Sephora or somewhere they carry Laura Mercier's lipstick. I have a typical redhead's complexion (i.e., fair and freckly) and it is the first lipstick EVER to match my natural coloring, making it pop in a good way and not look too pronounced. It lasts well, is pretty and you can do two coats for more color or leave it looking more natural.

In short, LOVE IT.

Check it out for yourself!

Laura Mercier's Peony

Laura Mercier's Peony Gloss Stick on Amazon

A Popped Cherry.

I going to share with you the new cocktail my friend and I just made up. It's sooo good on a hot Summer day.

Vodka of your choice.
1 or 2 jiggers, depending on your tolerance/desires.
Organic cherry juice (I use Santa Cruz's Black Cherry), a few fingers' worth.
Seltzer.
1 tsp Chambord
Fresh chocolate mint**
(Frozen cherries as garnish, optional)
**There is such as plant as a Chocolate Mint plant. It smells and tastes like chocolate mint (more smell than taste). It is PERFECT in this drink. Go to your favorite nursery and ask for one.

This drink is what I will be having all Summer long. It's fresh and rich and feels like you're doing something good for your body instead of loading up on liquers and creams.
It is also good with vanilla vodka minus the chambord.

Happy sipping!

Hallo. Vacation, dreams & life.

I am sad that the World Cup is almost over. I'm not a huge soccer (football) fan, but I like the countries of the world coming together to compete and being represented. It's fun to see who roots for what team and why.

My husband and I just bought a condo. In NYC. It has been a long process of being in contract and ignoring it because it wasn't time to do anything, and then doing a lot a lot a lot of paperwork and dealing with different personalities to get things done. It is FINALLY over and we are home owners. It's a great feeling, but I will be more excited about it once I have a feeling as to what our monthly finances will be. It still makes me very nervous. Our new place, however, is really great. It's light and we have views of trees and the sky which, especially in NYC, is rare and luxurious and soothing.

Next week we are going to MA and ME to visit some friends and go to a good friend's wedding. I'm excited to take a trip and also reluctant to leave our new place. We still have crap in boxes and I want to get it clutter-free so when we come home at night it is organized and relaxing. Such are the pressing issues of my life.

I am going vegan for a week. Except I might eat some seafood in New England. But besides that, I'm going to try going vegan to see if I feel better. I would like to try a mostly plant-based diet... everything I read tells me it's great for you, and I have never ever ever thought of myself as a vegetarian, nevermind a vegan. But, if it makes my body feel good then I'm all for it for a short amount of time to see if it works.

I am exhausted today. I had drinks last night with two good friends who came over for the 4th. We had cocktails and went up to our roof to watch the fireworks over Manhattan which was fun. Earlier in the day some other friends came over with their two kids, 4 and 7 months, and their baby took a nap on our bed. While he was napping our cat, Mo, played kitty nanny and watched over him. It was very sweet. As soon as the little one woke up, Mo got up and went about his business. Animals always amaze me with their instincts and emotional awareness.



Now it is the beginning of the week before vacation. And there are a list of important things to do before we leave. I am greatly looking forward to getting away with my man - NYC can be taxing and draining and it's great to get out and see some nature, eat fresh food and just have a different pace of life. Plus we get to see some good friends and celebrate with one of my closest friends and her family at her wedding! That is super exciting.

Someday I would like a vacation bungalow near the ocean. I miss going to ocean (this is the first summer I haven't gone with my family in decades) and listening to it as I fall asleep. There is nothing that relaxes me more and I can come back to my life refreshed and ready to once again tackle the every day puzzles that constitute my daily existence.

Plus, it's fun.

I would like this place. Thank you.

What I have learned recently. And so on.

When growing zucchini, plant 2 in a couple gallon plastic pot. They get huge and if crowded, will not produce as large fruits. Zucchini are fruits!!! Right? Seeds inside? Whatever.

Plant them with plenty of room to grow.

Caterpillars eat leaves of plants and while they are cool looking and cute, you don't want them in your garden.

You must water herbs every day, especially when they are in direct sunlight for several hours a day.

When trying to lose a bunch of weight rather quickly (I hypothetically have a wedding to go to in July that I need to lose about 15 lbs for in 3 weeks), drink a shitload of water and eat lots of veggies and whole grains and fruit.

Here is my yes and no list as to what I will (not) eat while dieting:

YES
Lean meats (chicken, seafood, pork loin, ham, turkey)
Vegetables
Fruit
Multi grains (Quinoa, Millet, Brown rice)
Oatmeal
Yogurt
Skim milk
Low fat cheese (goat, swiss, LF cheddar, parmesan)
Olive oil
Butter (small amounts)
Beans
High fiber cereal
Juice (in moderation)
Alcohol (Hard alcohol, wine, Guinness, Amstel Light)
Unsalted, raw nuts (moderation)
Low-sodium broth
Canned veggies rinsed & soaked in H2O


NO
Pizza
Fast food
High fat meats (bacon, sausage, beef)
Starch (Pasta, potatoes, rice, cous cous)
Sugar
High fat oils
Pre-prepared sauces (Chinese, Thai, salad dressing etc.)
Deep fried anything
Dessert
Alcohol (Beer)
Liqueurs
Canned food
Frozen entrees
Salt
High fat cheese (brie, regular cheddar, blue)

Do not eat bagels every day for two weeks and expect to lose weight. No matter how fresh and delicious they are.

I am beginning to make homemade compost because I want my veggies and fruit to be amazing and everything I read says I have to have it.

Jon and I are trying to buy a place and might close in the next week or so. This is an incredibly stressful process. I love our new place to bits, but I am now without any funds and no job and am hungry all the time.

My favorite ice cream is cookies and cream. Just so you know.

I have to eat now. Something healthy. Tonight for dinner I'm making baked chicken breasts, quinoa, beet salad. Yeah! Bring it on.

On Gardening and Auditioning

Well, I bought a begonia today. There are only so many times I can walk by my local garden center eyeing a bring orange/pink/white begonia before i give in and buy buy buy! I planted it and it looks lovely. I have a shitload of veggies and fruits, but not too many flowers. Well, one lavender plant in bloom and the dahlias and peonies (drool) are not growing yet. Altho i did see a hint of a peony coming up in one of the pots... hurrah!

My point is this: Do not buy terra cotta pots for plants. I have a few terra cotta pots, strawberry pots (3) and herb trenches (my wording, 2). Other veggies are in plastic pots because they are huge and pretty flowers are in glazed ceramic pots. Glazed ceramic is the way to go if you have something that won't expand rapidly at the root. It keeps the plant more moist (terra cotta absorbs water so you have to water the plant more frequently) and looks much nicer. Plastic pots work well if you are planting something like tomatoes or zucchini - i.e., something that will grow rapidly and not be a showpiece.

Today I auditioned for a play in Manhattan. I did a cold reading and LOVED the character. I saw her clearly in my head and had a fun time reading the script with the woman who was cast in the lead protagonist role. Then the director asked me to read it again in a totally different direction and I don't think I did very well. It was so hard for me to switch my mental image of this person, I couldn't erase all of the characteristics I had planted (tie in!) in my brain. Sigh. Oh well. I promised myself I would be proud no matter what the outcome - and I am. I risked something and put myself out there for criticism and rejection, always a hard thing to do. And I did have some fun... that was my goal.

Now I get to vacuum, do a yoga video and do paperwork before cooking turkey burgers for dinner (along with a goat cheese salad). Hurray for the domestic life.

At least I have my already-blooming, brightly colored begonia in a pot so every time I look out my window I can admire the gorgeous flowers and feel a sense of pride in accomplishing something today.

Sleepy time

in pjs. Man, there is nothing as comforting as coming home when I'm exhausted, putting on my comfy pajamas and snuggling in with a good book or movie.

I can be pretty adventurous and wild, but there is nowhere like home. And home can change, but you know it when you're there.

G'night.

My therapist curtsied today.

My therapist made a particularly astute observation about a nightmare I had this morning. I gaped at her in amazement and revelation while I stood, ready to leave her office, and said, "Ohhhhh. Right." She looked at me smiled, curtsied and said, "See you next week."

That's all.

New travel site

There's this article in the Times about frugal travel and how difficult it can be to find the right site, nevermind the right price/ticket, for your trip.

The one I had not heard of before is ITASoftware.com which sounds interesting.

Other notables are:

SeatExpert.com
Kayak.com
cFares.com has rebates with a low annual membership
Vayama.com specializes in international flights

Good luck with all of that.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

If you are looking for a page-turner, start this series. I couldn't put it down - read till 4:30am one night to get to figure something out. My brother just read the next one in the trilogy and said it was good too.

Also just read The Piano Teacher. I liked it. I couldn't put that one down too. Which is unusual for me - I'm often bored by books and don't finish them. Just been lucky, I guess.

Crazy Town

is where I'm residing today.

Don't want to get into it, but suffice to say, today I've been horribly grumpy.

And my friend and I just watched "Up" by Pixar - and it's wonderful! Reminded me what's important.

If you need (or if you don't!), I recommend it.

PS

I really like it when the parents of the young child upstairs get up before I go to sleep. That doesn't make me feel like a total loser or anything.

I can't help it that I can't sleep! I even exercised today and it didn't matter!

Ugh. Valium might be in my near future.

Winter

It's here. Jess is staying with us until April which is amazing. Jon is working a lot. We get to go to Cancun this weekend which is awesome. I wish I didn't have a fear of flying, but hey, nobody's perfect.

I'm so tired. Why did I start this post? Because it had been too long, that's why.

Well, it's 3am at the beginning of a week and I better get some sleep or horrible catastrophic things will happen. I'm sure of it.

I'm just shy of dawn, people! Last chance for night sleep.

Bye.